Attachment to the spiritual father. About the relationship of a woman with a spiritual father

The spiritual father is obliged to pray for the spiritual child, he must monitor his growth, give him advice based on the Holy Scriptures and the words of the Holy Fathers, and he must be the main representative before God about his child. The confessor is responsible for the spiritual child to the extent that he obeys him. It is impossible to be responsible for a spiritual child when he does not listen to advice, he is not even a spiritual child then. The spiritual child must pray for the spiritual father himself, obey in everything that does not contradict the will of God, he must perceive the spiritual father as a teacher who helps to go to Heaven. If a spiritual child decides to go into conflict with the confessor, then one must understand that this is not a spiritual child, but a relationship of bickering. This is not a relationship between a teacher and a student, but a relationship of a debater who will never learn anything. Now many spiritual children consider it their personal duty to correct their confessor. Nothing good will ever come of such an approach. ( priest Daniel Sysoev)

When you go to ask your spiritual father about something, read: "Lord my God! Do mercy on me and inspire my spiritual father to give me an answer according to Your will."

Can an experienced layman be a mentor in the spiritual life?

The leader in the spiritual life for every Christian must necessarily be a priest - confessor, to whom one must resort not only for confession, but also for teaching.

Is it a sin to be jealous of a spiritual father?

Guard against addiction to a mentor. Many were not careful and fell into the network of the demon along with the mentors. Counsel and obedience are pure and pleasing to God as long as they are not defiled by addiction, and good deeds die with addiction.

One must love spiritual fathers, but do not forget that the spirit of the flesh is not far off.

Jealousy for a spiritual father is a grave sin. He pays little attention to you, and to another more - like a child, humble yourself. For this you will be more loved by the Lord and your spiritual father.

What to do if there are few experienced priests and it is impossible to get to them. Is it possible to ask for advice from a young priest, or is it better to rely on the Holy Books?

If the confessor himself did not experience virtue, then ask anyway, and for your humility the Lord will have mercy on you and keep you from all unrighteousness, but if you think that the confessor is inexperienced, that he is in vanity and that it is better to be guided by books yourself, then you are on dangerous path and not far from charm. There are many people who have been so deceived in their thoughts and have not succeeded because of their contempt for their confessor. They forget that the grace of the Holy Spirit works in the sacrament.

What to do if you see the shortcomings of the confessor and this confuses you?

It must be known that the enemy does not try so hard in monasteries and parishes as to break the connection between the spiritual father and the brethren and parishioners. To do this, he destroys the virtues of the fathers in the eyes of the brethren and parishioners, and increases and even invents their shortcomings, characteristic of our human nature. Most of the monastics are captivated by this temptation, although not all to the same extent.

The antidote to hostility towards the spiritual father is a frequent mental exercise in calculating the merits of the spiritual father and then giving thanks to the Omniscient God, who made you worthy to be under the guidance of His chosen servant.

Remember: whoever condemns the priesthood, he puts the sins of the priest on himself and will give an answer on the day of the Last Judgment of God.

Is it allowed to reveal to others the teachings of the elder at confession?

In general, do not tell anyone what you are talking about with the confessor. Don't trust anyone but him about your temptations. You will not get relief from stories, and you can only bring harm to another: they will listen to you out of curiosity, and then they will be tempted and condemn you. Keep all the commandments and instructions of the confessor in secret, and it will be good for you.

On the Benefits of Restrictions and the Danger of Substituting the Spiritual Life–Archimandrite Markell (Pavuk), confessor of the Kyiv Theological Schools, teacher of asceticism.

Photo: © Natalia Goroshkova/Orthodox Life

—Father, on the eve of Great Lent, we would like to talk about the benefits of abstinence and restrictions. Basically, fasting is considered as a gastronomic abstinence, but we wanted to talk about the abstinence of feelings and emotions. Let's touch on an old but actual problem.

The problem of falling in love with monks and clergy is not new, is it? It existed a hundred years ago, and earlier.

– This happened before, and today it is in the Church. For example, Metropolitan Nikodim (Rotov) recalled, when he was still a young hieromonk and served in one of the rural parishes, the girls directly plastered the windows of his house. They were wondering what the monk does in the evening. (Smiling.) Such was the temptation of a man. He had to ask the bishop to be transferred to another place.

Archpriest Gleb Kaleda in the book "Home Church" calls girls, women who are fond of monks or priests - rassophiles. He advises to resolutely fight this, to stop such relations, because they are not for the salvation of the soul for either one or the other side.

- What is the reason for such an unhealthy relationship?

“We all need care, special treatment, love. A priest - a shepherd by his calling and obedience - tries to give each person special attention, to delve into the problem, to help sort out the turmoil of family relationships and other issues. And such attention is often perceived in a distorted light.

Today, the problem of relationships is acute in many families. People can't build a house church right. And when they come to the priest with their questions, especially if the priest is young, attractive, they open their souls to him. The shepherd finds suitable words - and, willy-nilly, a person begins to get carried away by the appearance, beauty, voice, and various virtues of the clergyman. And this, in the end, leads to the fact that the parishioner ceases to rely on God, and relies solely on the object with which he is passionate.

– And he does not come to God in the temple, but to this clergyman ...

- Yes. And he seeks not communion with God, but communion with a specific priest. A catastrophe happens - the substitution of Christ, the substitution of spiritual life.

These relationships are built not on some kind of selflessness, but on exclusively spiritual human feelings. And the worst thing is that they are perceived as a purely action of the grace of God.

What examples are known from church history?

– Such a great saint as John of Kronstadt faced a similar problem. Around him formed a circle of lovers, mostly female. They ran after the priest in droves, they did not allow passage. It got to the point that they began to correlate him with Christ, and there were even people who wanted to crucify the saint.

What is fanaticism...

– A similar thing happened to Father Tikhon (Agrikov), a well-known confessor of the Trinity-Sergeeva Lavra. Fans were literally chasing him. Thus, the special services of the KGB also provoked him on purpose for the scandal. The priest had to hide from these women, who provoked him, did not give him the opportunity to do his own business, to serve.

This is a sensitive, acute, difficult problem.

Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky describes the story that happened to Hierodeacon Nil, a real resident of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra. In his cell were kept the personal valuables of one admirer, who helped him in every possible way, idolized him.

But there was a second ardent admirer. And one day, when the hierodeacon left for the service, one of these women remained in his cell, and at that time another came, who also had a key, and saw the first one lying in the bed of a monk. There was a scandal. One accused the other of stealing. There was a court. These events were leaked to the secular press, which naturally gave rise to great temptation among the faithful.

– Was Dostoevsky already a deeply churched person at that time?

- Yes. The turbulent youth passed, the revolutionary hobbies passed. Dostoevsky became an Orthodox believer of conservative views. He writes that the monk was deservedly booed at the trial, but he emphasizes that everything is the Providence of God: it’s good that this abscess has now opened up and Father Nil will no longer have to dissemble and lead a double life. He can repent or simply leave the monastery and serve in the world without deceiving himself or others.

– Probably, all the priests faced this in one way or another, especially the young ones.

- Undoubtedly. Father Gleb Kaleda advises: "Do not give a reason to those who are looking for a reason." If such temptations happen, then they must be stopped without delay and advised this or that parishioner to go to another church.

– It is important when the priest retains sobriety in this matter and does not fall into delusion himself. There are times when a monk maintains such a feeling among the parishioners and bathes in it. He enjoys the attention. A monk needs spiritual strength to get away from such a temptation.

– Today's difficult and unstable time leaves an imprint on all spheres of life. The struggle for the preservation of chastity is especially important today. You need to understand that everything begins at the level of thoughts, and imperceptibly a person falls deeper and deeper into this quagmire. Therefore, such inclinations should not be allowed in thoughts. You can't play with this like fire. Great is the responsibility of every shepherd for the souls he has destroyed.

- Disorder and chaos in the country brings disorder to the souls. People are losing ground. What was previously unshakable - fidelity, purity, today is ridiculed and devalued.

- Why is this happening? Why do many people feel lonely, including in the family?

It has to do with our inherent self-love. We think that everyone owes us, that the husband / wife must give special love, care. At the same time, each of us forgets that we ourselves should give love, and not wait for it from others, it is important to carry it to our loved ones and to the world, to sacrifice ourselves.

And where mercenary relations reign, a crisis sets in, total displeasure grows. There is no love there.

- Someone said that love has one verb - to give.

- Sacrificial relationships, self-giving can only be formed on the basis of correct faith in God, with an understanding of the highest meaning of love, and when faith is weak, then distrust that has arisen because of some trifles quickly breaks family ties and people begin to look for hobbies on the side.

– And they deceitfully consider this the highest love… Although, besides, there is an egoistic desire to receive attention from the priest to his person, to feel a special location.

It's charm, not love. If a person in love thought about the soul of a clergyman, she would not harm him with her unnecessary attention and unacceptable affection.

- Everywhere there is ossified egoism, we do not want to infringe on ourselves in any way. There are monks who lead a "glamorous life" worse than in the world ...

– It is difficult for a modern person to understand why to limit oneself. I recently spoke with a priest who serves in one of the most prosperous Western countries. He said: when he tells people that they need to fast, limit themselves, humble themselves in order to overcome this or that passion, they are offended and some stop attending the temple. People do not accept asceticism, although they agree that it is necessary to do good deeds, engage in social service, but only not deny yourself anything, do not limit anything.

The result is a large percentage of dementia and insanity. People who do not limit themselves in anything, who have no motivation to overcome themselves, for the sake of spiritual growth, often go crazy. Here lies the main cause of the so-called senile insanity.

– Asceticism is unpopular now, it is considered archaic. As a teacher of asceticism, how do you manage to tell young people about the need for it today?

– I am teaching a course on asceticism, the introductory part is the substantiation of the discipline, its functional significance. Orthodoxy is built on asceticism, this is the foundation of the foundations. But, I repeat, today it is more difficult than ever to talk about asceticism.

Nobody likes restrictions. To live and not strain is the credo of young people.

This false sense of self-pity, destructive in essence, does not allow a person to develop.

And if a person does not limit himself in anything, he will inevitably become cruel, indifferent, incapable of compassion, rejoice. And any relationship and his whole life then have an exclusively selfish character.

When a person ceases to distinguish evil from good, when he is fixated on his person, he becomes sick and dangerous to society.

Interviewed by Natalya Goroshkova

There are three things that are formed by an incorrect attitude towards spiritual life and confession: a state of irresponsibility, self-justification, expressed in the desire to appear as an innocent sufferer, when a person begins to complain instead of confession, and humility instead of humility.

It is precisely irresponsibility, the desire not to be responsible for one's life in any way, that often leads to the search for eldership. Many people, seeking the supernatural, are waiting for the elder to say something to them, to open them, to see clearly and show the will of God. And in the absence of an elder out of many priests, the parishioners are forcibly trying to make some kind of ugly semblance of an alleged eldership, to build alleged spiritual relations between an elder and a spiritual child. Instead of living a spiritual life, a person comes to a priest in order to fully charge him with all the responsibility for his spiritual life. And therefore, these endless priests, bless for this, for this, for the fifth or tenth, are not a desire to live according to the will of God, but a desire to never answer for anything at all.

Father Gleb Kaleda complained that now there is so much need for Christian service, but there is no desire to take on Orthodox Christians. It is better to take an unbelieving, unchurched person to the hospital to care for the sick, because it is often impossible to get anything from a believer. It is necessary, for example, that an Orthodox parishioner come to sit with the sick - she does not come: my father served today, I could not help but go.

And this is largely determined by who a person comes to - to God or to a priest. Relations between a priest and, roughly speaking, a child, or a flock, develop purely human: my father said, today my father is serving, I will go to my father.

When they try to use a priest to relieve themselves of responsibility for their spiritual life, confession turns into whining, into a constant complaint about how hard it is to live. Instead of repentance, self-reproach - blaming others. The person “confessed” in this way, they listened to him, and he becomes easier, more confident. No one else will listen to this, it’s hard, but the priest, as it were, is obliged - he has grace that obliges a person to bear the diseases of all people. So it is, but a person begins to use this to satisfy his inner egoism, replacing confession with complaints.

Another illness, when a person does not want to do anything spiritually, but justifies his spiritual laziness with the words I am unworthy or I am unworthy. Either I am weak, or I am weak, although in fact this is a proud and absolutely no need person. And it turns out that the one who is entrusted to live like a Christian, refuses his ministry, from all good deeds, from carrying his cross. Instead of what the Holy Fathers call humility of wisdom, humility is manifested: Forgive me, bless. Forgive me, sinner. Just a little, immediately in the legs - bang, - oh, sorry! Instead of doing something, changing, just words - we are sinful, we are unworthy, and the appropriate posture, the appropriate intonation, the appropriate dress code, everything is according to the model.

Every confession turns into a constant desire to evade life. For some reason, a person begins to be satisfied with some kind of amorphous lifeless existence, when he does not dare to take a single action, does not want to change anything, is afraid to truly live spiritually. This is a very convenient position when everything is answered and a false idea of ​​obedience, a false idea of ​​humility, a false idea of ​​repentance is formed.

Such a distorted understanding of spiritual life often determines the attitude towards the confessor, and sometimes this can form the confessor himself in the wrong attitude towards the entire parish - he begins to use such people. They turn out to be very well managed, on occasion they will make a scandal, they will go after their father with a mountain, etc. They are eager to become not a flock, but a managed herd, which should not have a shepherd, but a driver who will snap them with a whip and rule over them . It is enough for them to come to some authority, which may be, for example, a priest. But they do not want to go to Christ.

Another thing is when people are looking for a real spiritual life. Of course, in this case, the same problems may arise, because to some extent, every person is characterized by everything that I have just said. But at the same time, there is still an idea that there is a spiritual life, and, thank God, there is another way.

And here a moment arises when some kind of spiritual relationship is established between the priest and his flock, what we now call spirituality, when the priest is called a spiritual father, and the one who comes to him for confession is called a spiritual child. What it is, I cannot say. Who is a spiritual father? What is a spiritual child? How this happens is very hard to say. But some things you can try to describe.

Not everyone who comes to a priest even regularly is his spiritual child. Not every person who regularly confesses to a priest is a spiritual father. This is understandable. For this, some special, mysterious relationship must develop; these relationships, when they develop correctly, really enable the priest to become an elder in a certain sense, that is, to very accurately express the will of God and to this very extent take responsibility before a person for his words.

At this moment, of course, the priest is given something more than he is given as a person who accepts confession: he is no longer only a witness to repentance, but he can say something about a person that simply cannot be openly revealed to him as a person.

Man is the greatest mystery. According to the teachings of the Church, it is infinite and unknowable. Moreover, St. Maximus the Confessor says that when a person really unites with God and his deification takes place, he becomes not only endless, but also without beginning. And that's why it's very hard to say anything about anyone. To send someone to a certain place, to say what he needs and what not to, to give a blessing for some special life step is very difficult, it is almost impossible. And a priest can say this from God only when he himself is truly in God and when his relationship with his parishioner is also truly born in God. The miracle of such a birth must take place.

How it happens, when it happens, at what moment it is fixed, I do not know. It's impossible to catch. But there are some conditions that are necessary for this to ever happen at all.

A lot depends on the priest. First of all, he is required to love everyone equally, and very sober love. In what fullness it is present depends on the spiritual state of the priest, but he must always be ready to fully and completely take on everyone who comes to him. In addition, another very important thing depends on him - the gift of prayer, when the priest is ready to pray for his flock in such a way that this prayer really is the acceptance of a person to himself to the end. As long as there is no such thing, then serious spiritual intimacy is hardly possible.

Naturally, the priest is also limited in humanity, he is not able to love everyone equally or take on a very large number of people. Maybe he can take only one or two, and sometimes he cannot bear two. This is all very difficult and depends on how a person grows spiritually. Of course, when a priest is twenty-five years old and has just been ordained, he still cannot be a spiritual father to anyone, in principle he has no right to lead someone's spiritual life, to take responsibility for another person. Therefore, a very great humility and honesty is required from a priest in order to answer those who come to confession - I don’t know, I don’t know how, I can’t, I’m not ready. To the question, how, father, should I be, what should I do, he can quite calmly shrug his hands and say, “I don’t know.” It is the priest's right not to know, and it is impossible to demand from him an all-covering grace-filled knowledge of the will of God or of man himself.

And this is the duty of the visitor - not to expect anything from the priest as from a person, not to present to him for resolution those issues that he is obliged to resolve himself. The priest may not know this and should not, perhaps, know, he may be very mistaken here. Of course, one can consult, but we must always understand that we are consulting with a priest more humanly. If the Lord somehow interferes with our conversation in a way unknown to us, this is His intervention and it does not depend on the priest in any way. Therefore, when we communicate with you about everyday matters, believe me, all these are human advice, and they do not mean more than the advice of a very experienced person in this particular matter. And there is no need to create illusions about this and give it some special spiritual significance. The only thing is that when we ask for advice with the search for the will of God, then the Lord somehow controls us. But this we ourselves can do if we really want and truly seek the will of God.

The next very important point: if a person wants exactly spiritual guidance, he must first of all live a spiritual life. If he does not live a spiritual life, then what kind of spiritual guidance can we talk about at all? If a person does not seek constancy in spiritual life, does not constantly strive for salvation, he will never find any guidance. It is given only when a person is already on the way, when he has already overcome a rather serious path and does not know the way back, does not turn onto it. That's when spiritual guidance begins, then this person comes with a real confession and the priest understands that he came to him not as a merchant, not as a beggar, not as someone who wants to lay his cross on him and rest at the same time, but as a person who wants a spiritual life. And then the priest can start some kind of spiritual co-disclosure with him. A person begins to trust the priest with his spiritual life, that is, he becomes very frank with him. This does not mean that one has to specifically confess one's thoughts, this happens quite naturally, he simply reveals to the priest his whole life without concealment in the light of repentance. And from this moment such a spiritual action can begin, which, in fact, makes a person a child, and a priest a father, and which is called obedience.

What is obedience? The doctor inserts a phonendoscope into his ears and listens to his patient. This is what happens to a priest, such obedience. He listens very deeply prayerfully, constantly striving to know a person with the help of God, to know a person in God. Such obedience comes from the side of the priest.

When he is capable of this, it is necessary that a person be able to open up. When a patient comes to the doctor, he exposes himself, exposes his sore spots. And then the doctor listens to him. The same kind of thing happens when a person truly comes for spiritual healing. He knows how to open himself, to be very open, frank for the priest, so that he can listen to him carefully and deeply, deeply.

And in response to this, obedience occurs on the part of the flock. He carefully listens to all the words that the priest then says to him in order to fulfill it.

In ancient times, in contrast to our modern world, the understanding of hearing was very important, and people in the spiritual life perceived everything by ear. The disciples followed the philosopher and listened to him speak. People went to the synagogue, listened to how the Torah was read and the sacred text was explained. Scriptures were read only in synagogues, they were kept there, but they were not kept at home. Imagine how well the scribes and Pharisees could hear, who literally knew the texts of Holy Scripture by heart. And then people listened to the Apostles who preached Christ, listened to the Gospel in the temple. The gospel was also not kept in the houses, only in rare cases. There was a hearing of the Gospel, and people were attentive to what was said.

Now the whole world has switched to entertainment and perceives everything only through it. And this is the lowest state with God, when a person needs spectacles. Already in the first centuries, St. John Chrysostom and other Fathers spoke out against theaters and all sorts of spectacles, calling them a pagan offspring. And not only because these are pagan or immoral spectacles, but because this is a completely different way of perceiving the world. We all now perceive with our eyes, but we must watch how you listen.

Bishop Athanasius (Yevtich) in his lecture on hesychasm says very important things about hearing: “In the Old Testament, the sense of hearing is given more importance. The sense of sight was always emphasized by the ancient Greeks: everything around is beautiful, everywhere beauty, space All Greek philosophy comes down to aesthetics<...>Father Georgy Florovsky writes that this was also the case in Russian philosophy in the last century, even with Solovyov. Such is the temptation of aesthetics to make everything around beautiful.

Of course, this does not negate the meaning of vision in Scripture. But, for example, here I am giving a lecture and looking at you. Who is more attentive - the one who looks at me? However, you can watch and be absent. But if a person listens by ear, he cannot be absent. He is more concentrated when he hears. And so St. Basil said: “Pay attention to yourself.”

When a person knows how to listen by ear, this gives rise to obedience. A person is very attentive, firstly, to himself and listens to his confessor. At this moment of obedience, the relationship between the spiritual father and the spiritual child is born.

Outwardly, obedience is perceived as a clear execution of certain instructions. But in fact, obedience goes much deeper. Attentive hearing, deep penetration into you of a word that can make you different or warn you against some act, or give you an impulse for your spiritual path, should be perceived by such heart soil where there is no alternative. A person perceives this for himself very deeply, because he was listened to and he became open. He has provided himself to be understood, to be open, to show who he is, and this makes it possible to hear a true word about himself. Then the priest speaks no longer simply as a priest; at this moment, an element of eldership appears, such an eldership that was spirit-bearing.

It depends on the elusive things. Nobody can claim it. Nobody can bring it up in themselves. Nobody can say this about themselves. It is given by God at precisely this moment of obedience. And this gives rise to gifts that are then given to the priest in his spiritual care, which make the person shepherd and the person shepherding so close, dear, that the shepherd really perceives his spiritual children as something living and inseparable from himself.

It is almost impossible to say how this happens, at what moment, how these relations develop. This is a mysterious thing. They cannot be defined formally - I appoint you as my spiritual child, or I have chosen my spiritual father. This is not how it is done. Relationships are formed over long years of obedience, such a constant opening of oneself for obedience.

The priest's knowledge of who is standing in front of him, the trust of the one who comes to the priest, and give birth to spirituality proper, affinity of souls and trust. Because when there is no trust, when a person cannot trust himself, then there is nothing to talk about at all. Spiritual conversation turns into spiritual, intimate, psychological, everyday and everyday. A person thinks that he has taken a blessing, and now his life is happening according to the will of God. Perfect lie; The will of God has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Of course, not all people of equal spiritual level who confess to a priest become equally open to him, trusting or able to hear him. And the priest is not equally able to convey something to all people; there are certain obstacles. I don't know what they are related to. It's a secret. But I know one thing - if a person wants spiritual life, seeks spiritual life, then he can seek it and receive it only through obedience. It is not given otherwise.

Priest Alexy Uminsky

On October 19, a lecture hall was opened in support of the Friends of Charity Society. The first lecture for friends of mercy and volunteers in the conference hall of the First City Hospital was delivered by Archpriest Vladimir Vorobyov, Rector of St. Tikhon Orthodox University for the Humanities. He spoke about the elders with whom he was personally acquainted.

We bring to your attention the answers of Father Vladimir to the questions of the audience.

What if, with great respect and gratitude for the confessor, there is no mutual understanding with him, and there is a desire to move to another confessor, to whom you feel great closeness. It is not right?

What does it mean that there is no mutual understanding with the confessor? It might be different. It happens that people have such different temperaments and moods that they simply do not understand each other. This happens quite often in life. Confessors are, for the most part, not holy people, very good people, but not saints, so the mutual understanding that one would like to achieve may not be achieved. It is always easier with holy people, because in holy people temperament, character fade into the background, grace acts more strongly. So, it can be and can be that with another priest it is easier to establish contact, understanding.

I think that in a number of cases it is possible to speak frankly about this to the confessor and, with a blessing, one can go to the priest with whom there is contact. After all, the relationship with the confessor is very important for the spiritual life of a person. If it doesn’t work out with this confessor, but it can happen with another one, then from some formal prohibitions that you can’t change the confessor (and such an opinion is widespread among us), you can’t proceed from such prohibitions, it seems to me.

But the fact is that the confessor convicts you of some shortcomings, of some passions. It happens that the confessor is very busy, he does not have enough time, energy. And you take it personally: the confessor treats me badly. And if a person for such reasons goes to another confessor, then this is a big mistake.

If you ask your confessor: “Father, I don’t find mutual understanding with you, but I have full contact with another priest. Bless me to leave, "and he will say:" Of course, go and quickly! - This is not a very suitable way to solve the problem. In such cases, some kind of arbitration advice is usually sought. If you manage to find a spiritual person, an elder (now there are very few such elders), but you need to find a third person who can understand, and consult with him how to be. In order not to rely on your passions, your passionate spiritual movements, in order not to be based on them, otherwise there may be a big mistake. Communication with the confessor is very important. If you are very grateful to him, if he is very respected by you, if the Lord once brought you to him, then this is not just like that. And to break this connection just like that, because something has become difficult, is impossible. Difficulties do not mean that one must immediately run to another one, with whom it may be easier, or may not be. So one should not rush into such things, but one must be very careful.
But in principle, I think that such cases happen, and this is quite natural. And you can solve them.

Father, why did you visit different elders? Maybe something did not suit you? Did the elders have friends?

The elders have friends, I think, maybe. Why not. Saints had friends, even Christ had friends.
Why did I go to the elders? You know, I didn't travel much. I could well have visited many more contemporaneous elders. I could visit Bishop Athanasius (Sakharov). I still cannot forgive myself for not going to see him. I could visit many more wonderful elders. But I was always ashamed, I thought: “I have a spiritual father, he tells me everything, I have no questions that I could ask the elder, that I would distract the elder and load myself with myself?” That's why I didn't drive. And now I am very sorry, because if there is an opportunity to see a holy person, then never miss this opportunity. This is the most precious thing in life. Even just to see him, to look at him, to stand next to him is the most precious experience that will put everything else in place in your soul and life. That's why I went to the elders when I could. But I asked Father Vsevolod: “Can I go to Father Tavrion?” He blessed: "Yes, yes, go." He never showed any jealousy and did not think that I wanted to leave him.

I have not yet said about Father Tikhon Pelikh, whom Father Arkady and I also knew closely. He was also a wonderful old man. I had to communicate closely with him for a long time during the life of Father Vsevolod.

I think, if there is such an opportunity, then you need to go to the elders, only they should be real elders. There is no need to obey frivolous curiosity and act on the principle: where the people go, I will go there. So it is not necessary. But if it is known that there is such a holy person, then it would be good to see him.

How did you get to know the people you are talking about now? Did you look for them somehow? Where are the elders now?

For example, I saw the recently celebrated Elder Schema-Archimandrite Seraphim (Romantsov). This is the Glinsky Elder, he spent his last years in Sukhumi. It was a great old man, now in Ukraine they canonized him as a saint. How did I see it? Very simple. In the summer we went to the Caucasus on a trip, at the end we crossed the pass and went down to Sukhumi, and naturally came to the temple, and Father Seraphim stood in the temple and confessed. That's how I saw him.
I came to Father Tikhon when I was studying at the seminary and could not get to Father Vsevolod. And Father Tikhon then served in Sergiev Posad and it was possible to get to him. And I started going to him.
I don’t even remember how we got to Father Seraphim (Tyapochkin), whether on purpose or through passing. But I heard about him from my close friends and decided to go to him. I didn't have any questions for him. He arrived, and my friends happened to be there - his spiritual children. Then still young Natasha, now mother Natalya Boyarintseva, led me to Father Seraphim and said: “Father, here is Volodya. We've known each other for a long time." He looks at me and says: "He will be a priest, a priest." She says: “Volodya gave me spiritual books to read.” "Well, even more so."
Of course, for me it was memorable and meant a lot. I didn't have any questions, I didn't ask anything. But, of course, such communication is remembered for a lifetime.

And today, to whom would you advise to turn from the elders? Very necessary.

And today I don’t know who to turn to. Here, many turn to Father Eli. Father Eli is a wonderful father. But he is very sick and now it has become difficult to get to him.

Many now name some other elders. But I don't know them. It so happened that now I don't know anyone. Therefore, I can not send to someone.

Is it necessary to treat the confessor as an old man? Is it necessary to seek the advice of the elders if there is a confessor? And in what cases?

No, you don't need to treat your confessor like an old man if he is not an old man. You need to treat him like a spiritual father. It is very difficult and it is important to learn how to do it. The confessor, although he is not an old man, but he is given to man from God. And in our time, finding a real confessor is also not at all easy. If the Lord leads you to a real confessor, if you can become a real spiritual child, then this is God's greatest gift. If you have the right attitude towards the confessor, then the Lord will show you the spiritual path through him and perhaps will reveal the will of God through him, although he does not have the gift of clairvoyance. But it will open for you, according to your faith, this happens very often.

It really depends on how you feel about it. A confessor must be treated with love for the sake of Christ, and not with partiality. To treat a confessor with prejudice is a sin. This is not only unpromising, but also very dangerous. Some choose for themselves as confessors those priests whom for some reason they like better. Sometimes they choose young and handsome, or for some other reason. It is not right. The relationship with the confessor should be spiritual, not mental.

The confessor must be treated with trust, disinterestedly, i.e. don't expect to get anything from him. I don't mean money or gifts. Often we want to be in a church in a special position: if I am closer to the priest, I will come and be the main or the main one. This is also a profit. Relationships must be selfless. The priest must be treated with humility. The task of the confessor is first of all to point out to us our sins and shortcomings. It means hurting us. This can only be done when a person comes with trust and humility. So you come to the doctor, the doctor says: "You need an injection or an operation." And you believe him, and begin to suffer and suffer out of obedience - they prick you, cut you, do unpleasant procedures, because you believe the doctor and believe that he does this for your health. The same should be true of a spiritual father. Here the doctor says: "You know, you have a serious illness." Now they even tell the patient that he has cancer. Who is pleased? Suddenly you are informed that you have cancer. But the confessor also says: “You know, you have pride. You don't know how to behave, you behave in a boorish way. This is unpleasant to hear. But the confessor should tell us this. And we must accept it with gratitude, with trust, with a desire to improve. That's when it will be a real relationship.

And when you love to be stroked on the head, this is not a spiritual attitude, this is self-interest. We want the priest to only console, encourage and never make any remarks, and as soon as he says something unpleasant, it means the priest is bad. “Batiushka has gone bad,” is something we often hear. Previously, the priest was good, but now he has deteriorated.

If there is a confessor, then thank God. But if there is an opportunity to get to a holy person, to an elder, then I think a real confessor will not mind, he will definitely send you to him.

It happens that even a very good confessor finds it difficult to answer a question, to give some advice. It's really hard to say whether to marry this or not. They come up very often: "Father, bless the marriage." "For whom?" "That's for it." You think: “Oh, Lord have mercy! What will come of such a marriage! And everything is already set up for them, they have already agreed on the wedding. And the priest is in a very difficult position. And it happens that a priest cannot stand his temper and follows the lead of his spiritual children. He doesn't say what he has to say, he just can't refuse. This is bad. Being a priest, for your information, is very difficult. It is difficult to hurt a person, it is difficult to tell people not what they want to hear.

What should a spiritual child do in the event of the death of a confessor? My friend says that there cannot be several true confessors. And now she does not have a confessor, she goes to different churches. The idea that a confessor is no longer needed seems strange and wrong to me. Is it correct?

I think you are absolutely right. A person can have several confessors during his life. I had several very good confessors.

When should you go to the elder, and when to your parish priest?

The parish priest is already the third category of priests. They are quite different. It is one thing to be a confessor, another to be a parish priest. Not every parish priest can be a confessor. A confessor is a spiritual father, that person to whom your heart is open, who knows you, who constantly prays for you and suffers from your illnesses. He stands before God for you. He takes responsibility for you, he doesn’t just tell you: “You can’t do this,” he painfully searches for the right path for you. And the parish priest may not be interested in you at all. These are different things. So which one is better to go to? Better to someone who takes you seriously.
If there is an opportunity to go to an old man, to a real old man, then this is good.

If there is no spiritual father, but you need to solve a serious issue, who can you turn to for spiritual advice?

To a spiritual person, to a spiritual priest. It is necessary to look for such, the most experienced. You need to pray, you need to ask around, so that you can be shown a sensible, experienced confessor who can advise, and you can go to him. If suddenly there is no one near you ... I remember asking my elder, what to do if there is no one to go to at all, as, for example, during persecution. He said this: “Pray better and then start doing what your conscience tells you, try to renounce all passions and think about how to act according to your conscience. And start doing. And pray. If something works out, then there is the will of God. And if you pray, you start doing something and nothing happens, then there is no will of God.” The idea is very simple - if you sincerely from the bottom of your heart, from the bottom of your heart with contrition, with repentance, with humility pray, ask and try, then the Lord will definitely show you. It will indicate simply in the circumstances of life. It won't leave you in a state of disrepair. We think that everyone has died, I am the only one left and will die. No, the Lord will not leave.

How to get to the elder, who is currently accepting. And how not to be mistaken. Usually they talk about the dead. This is very interesting, but I need advice now. There is no one to turn to. There have already been sorrows from wrong advice.

This problem has always been and always will be. I can only tell you one thing from my own experience. I, too, in my youth heard a lot about different elders and saints. These were the years of Soviet power. And there was no one around me. For many years I did not have any confessor and I did not know where to go. I was a believer, but I didn't even know which temple to go to. At that time we were very scared. And our parents scared us, they said: “If you go to church now, they will kick you out of school, from the university, or maybe they will put you in jail.” So we were afraid, the priests were not trusted, because there were informers among them. From a young age, I began to pray: Lord: "Give me a spiritual father." And then he asked, as I now understand, very boldly: “Show me an old man from whom I can learn Your will. I want to do according to Your will. Whom should I ask?" And I separated the spiritual father and the elder. And I prayed for so many years, and only then, after dozens of years, I realized that the Lord literally fulfilled my request. I also had a spiritual father, and there was an elder who wrote to me: “Such is the will of God.” And the Lord did not give me some kind of elder, but exactly the one I asked for, who revealed to me the will of God.

God is merciful. If we seek and ask with all our hearts, if we ask for good things, if we want to do really well, arrange our lives spiritually, then the Lord will surely answer. Maybe not right away. Maybe you need to pray, work hard. But there is no need to doubt it for a single minute. But if you have such a desire, I am deeply convinced that the Lord will not leave you unanswered.

It's not easy, and rightfully so, it's not easy. If it was easy, we wouldn't appreciate it. There is a saying: "What is easy is given little value."

Is it possible to go to the elders and have a desire to confess to the elder. Because they are great prayer books.

This question is posed in my opinion a little lightly. Such a good desire may be good, but you no longer understand what an elder is.

An elder, in the sense in which we spoke today, is first of all a very tortured person. We once said to Father John Krestyankin: “Father, there is absolutely no time to pray.” And he replies: “What kind of prayer is there - you talk and talk all day, and then you can do only one bow for tomorrow. No prayer." There is no energy or time left. The elders are exhausted to the last extreme, the elders do not confess, they have no time to confess. They answer shorter and faster if you get to them. And to confess - with their confessors.

How to know the will of God. I can't get married?

You need to pray. You need to look for the will of God, ask around.

Are there elders in Russia now like Seraphim of Sarov or the Optina elders?

I don't think anyone can answer this question for you. Because who the Monk Seraphim of Sarov is, people understood many years after his death. He was canonized only after 70 years. And that was by the direct will of Sovereign Nicholas II, and the Synod was against canonization. Right now, when the whole world honors St. Seraphim, when so many miracles have happened, now we know who he is.
There is such an image: in order to see the mountain, you need to move far enough away, but it is not visible up close. Being close to the elder, very often you do not understand who is in front of you. It is known that the elders have very difficult cell-attendants or cell-attendants who do not understand who is in front of them. And they literally torture their elders. And then time passes and it turns out, that's what a saint was. God does not immediately reveal the holiness and greatness of such ascetics. Maybe time will pass, and we will find out that we lived next to a great saint - Father John Krestyankin, for example. Or someone else. But now it is impossible to answer this question.

Does every Christian need a spiritual leader?

I think everyone should have a spiritual guide. Another thing is that not every person wants it. If a person does not want to, then it is impossible to force such leadership on him. He simply will not obey, he will not want someone to control him, command him. He is a free citizen of a free country! And if a person sincerely seeks spiritual life, then a leader is needed.

What the elders said or advised when a person is in grief: poverty, difficulties in his personal life, problems with people around him. When grief presses from all sides. Humanly speaking, there is no need to wait for improvements.

They always said: be patient, humble yourself and pray.

Do elders have a hierarchy?

Hierarchy is when you are the director, you are the deputy director, and you are the head of the department.
There is no such hierarchy among elders. But, of course, there are greater and less great elders.

If you cannot fulfill the blessing, what a terrible sin it is.

It happens in different ways, depending on what kind of blessing. In fact, a real blessing is one that can be fulfilled.

Is it possible to treat a spiritual father as an elder, or is this a mistake?

If he is not an old man - this is a mistake.

Archpriest Vladimir Vorobyov

Photo by Ekaterina Stepanova
We thank Nina Gordeeva for help in deciphering

I'm a little worried about your attitude towards me. You get carried away and are ready to attribute to me such good qualities that I don’t have at all. This is harmful to you and in the future can serve as a cause of unnecessary grief for you. Don't get carried away. Be calm and even in your relationship and ask the Lord and the Mother of God to inspire me or someone else to tell you what is useful for the salvation of the soul, for what does a person mean?

There is religiosity, closely confused with aesthetic, sentimental, passionate emotions, easily coexisting with selfishness, vanity, sensuality. People of this type are looking for praise and a good opinion of their confessor, their confession is very difficult, as they come to confession to complain about others, cry, they are full of themselves, easily blame others. The poor quality of their religious exaltation is best shown by a slight transition to irritability and malice. People of this type are further from the possibility of real repentance than the most hardened sinners.

Women very often strive to arrange such spiritual relations with the priest that will imitate some kind of common life. This is not necessarily falling in love, but it is some kind of spiritual comfort. They begin to demand that the priest pay attention to them, to talk to them, to communicate:
- And why didn't you ask me about something, why did you pass me by, why do you talk to that one for a long time, but to me briefly? And why are you so harsh with me, I'm indifferent to you?
Such experiences and feelings always mean that a woman has a spiritual relationship with a priest, not a spiritual one. She is looking for in him not a confessor, but compensation for her unsettled spiritual life. There may not yet be love, but there is always some partiality.
Attachment, generally speaking, is not bad, it is quite natural to love your spiritual father, this is normal. It even should be, and such love can be very strong, even the strongest in a person's life - love for a spiritual father. But the nature of this love is important. It must be the love of a daughter for a father. It must be spiritual love, for the sake of Christ. Love that sees in the priest a God-sent teacher of spiritual life. When you want to humble yourself, learn, obey, when there is a willingness to endure even harsh teaching, a strict reprimand, when there is faith that the confessor loves you, prays for you, thinks, and at the same time does not owe you anything, is not obliged to lead with you "pleasant" conversations or something like that. Such love will be both good and fruitful. And spiritual relationships, especially where resentment against a priest begins, are spiritually fruitless and harmful, they mean charm.
Charm is a Slavic word, "flattery" is translated into Russian by the word "lie". Charm means self-deception. A person thinks that he is on the right path, but in fact he is on the wrong path.