Intimate life of the wife. Intimate life of spouses About what causes sexual cooling in a man in marriage

From the point of view of Islam, the intimate life of spouses and the mutual satisfaction of physiological needs are a natural phenomenon inherent in man by nature. The first wedding night It is considered a good deed on the wedding night that the groom presents sweets (honey), permitted drinks (milk), spices to the bride and treats her to them. It is Sunnah for a husband to put his hand on his wife's forehead before entering into an intimate relationship and say the following prayer: هِ “Bismillah, barakallahu likullin mina fi sahibihi” (“In the name of Allah. May Allah make us blessed for each other! "). It is also reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) recited this prayer:َها عَلَيْهِ "Allahumma inni as'alyuka min hayriha wa hayri ma jabaltaha alayhi, waa'uzubika min sharriha washarri ma jabaltaha alaihi” (“O Allah, I ask You for everything good from her and good from her offspring. I also seek protection from You from her evil and the evil of her offspring!”) (al-Bukhari and Abu Dawud). A charitable deed on the wedding night is the performance of the Sunnah prayer by the spouses in two rak'ahs and the reading of the following prayer: اَللّهُمَّ ْ فِيَّ. اَللّهُمَّ اجْمَعْ بَيْنَنا ما جَمَعْتَ بِخَيْرٍ وَفَرِّقْ بَيْن َنا إِذا فَرَّقْتَ إِلى خَيْرٍ “Allahumma barikli fi ahli wa bariklyahum fiyya. Allahummajma baynana ma jamaata bihairin, wafarrik baynana from farrakta ila khayrin ”(“ Oh Allah, bless me in relations with my wife (husband) and her (his) in relations with me. O Allah, establish good between us and separate us in separation kindly!") (Abu Shayba). Immediately before approaching, it is always advisable for the husband to read the following prayer: بِ الشَّيْطانَ ما رَزَقْتَنا "Bismillah, Allahummajannibna shchaytana wajannibi shchaytana ma razaktana". (“In the name of Allah, I begin. O Allah, delivered Satan from us and delivered Satan from the child that You will give us!”). And if conception occurs later, then Satan will not be able to harm the child (al-Bukhari). Imam al-Ghazali (may Allah sanctify his soul!) writes that at the time of ejaculation it is recommended to read the following prayer to yourself: Alhamdulillahi llazi ha laka minal mai basharan, faja'alahu nasaban vasyhra, wakana rabbuka qadir” (“Praise be to Allah, who created man from a drop of water and made him offspring and kinship. your Lord is the Almighty." It should be noted that spouses on their wedding night need to pay great attention to each other so that sexual intercourse between them takes place in a natural way, and they receive mutual satisfaction. To do this, you must follow the following recommendations: 1. The husband should not rush in the process of defloration of his wife. To overcome her embarrassment, he should start slowly and gently. A husband should talk to his wife, joke, caress, kiss her. In a word, he should achieve reciprocity. After all, the stronger the excitement, the stronger the health of the unborn child. In addition, it will have a beneficial effect on the body of the spouses themselves. According to Islamic marital etiquette, the husband should always create this prelude to intimacy through words, kisses, and love games. 2. A spouse should not be insensitive, cold. Pushing the husband away leads to bad consequences. 3. The husband should not be afraid of something or be afraid to approach his wife and get close to her, because she wants to see him confident and ready to meet her that night. The fear or embarrassment of the husband will further embarrass the wife. 4. Spouses need to help each other in the process of rapprochement and complete it without negative emotions. 5. If the spouses failed to get close on their wedding night, then this is not at all considered weakness and impotence, and one should not make a tragedy out of this. In some cases, it is even approved. Perhaps one of the spouses was shy or worried, which could interfere with the process of rapprochement. The young will still have a lot of time to get to know and get used to each other. It is customary for some peoples who profess Islam to demonstrate the consequences of sexual intimacy to the relatives and friends of the husband after the wedding night. This process is a remnant of local customs and has nothing to do with Islam, and moreover, is prohibited by Sharia. Ethics of intimate relations First of all, it should be noted that after each sexual approach, you need to wash the genitals. One of the scientists said that if a man does not wash himself after getting close to his wife and as a result of this he will have stones (i.e. stones in the organs), then let him blame only himself. If the spouses repeat sexual intercourse, then it is advisable for them to perform at least a small ablution, as before prayer. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If one of you wants to repeat sexual intercourse, then it is better for him to perform a small ablution between two approaches” (Muslim, Abu Dawud). According to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him!) ablution before sexual intimacy increases sexual activity. But it would be even better for the spouses to swim after each sexual intercourse, as this can also affect the health of the unborn child. If the spouses, whose full ablution was violated in the process of intimate relationships, want to eat or sleep, then they perform at least a small ablution. It should be noted that eating without a full bath is an undesirable act. Performing a small wudu after breaking a large one is considered optional, but it is an imperative Sunnah. God-fearing people in this case commit it. The most appropriate is bathing before bedtime. On this occasion, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him!) said: “You can sleep, and if you wish, you can perform a small ablution” (Muslim, al-Bukhari). And in another legend it says: “After you perform a small ablution, you can sleep, but do not forget about the upcoming full ablution” (al-Bayhaqi, Muslim). According to legend, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him!) sometimes performed a small bath before going to bed, and sometimes bathed. But it should be noted that even if a small ablution was performed at night, bathing in the morning is still obligatory. There are obligatory and recommended actions of a full ritual ablution. Let's try to explain them. Obligatory actions of ritual bathing are: 1. Intention (niyat): when bathing, it is done mentally. It is desirable to pronounce it aloud. The intention is made when the water touches the body: "I intend to perform the obligatory ritual bathing, in the name of Allah." 2. Removal from the body of various substances that prevent contact of water with the body, such as glue, varnish, paint, resin, dough, dirt under the nails, etc. 3. Thorough body wash. When bathing, water must necessarily wash all parts of the body, including the bases of the hair, the navel, folds, etc. If the intention is missed or some part of the body is washed without it, it is necessary to start bathing again, together with the intention. Recommended actions of ritual bathing: 1. Before bathing, it is recommended to wash your hands three times. 2. If impurities remain on the body, especially on the genitals, it is advisable to wash them off. 3. Before bathing, it is advisable to perform a small ritual ablution. After performing ablution, the genitals can no longer be touched with the palm of the hand, otherwise, small ablution will be violated. 4. After ritual bathing, it is recommended to douse yourself three times, starting from the head. Wash the right side of the body first, then the left. 5. When bathing, it is good to turn towards the Kaaba (i.e. qibla). Obligatory bathing must be performed under the following circumstances: 1. After intercourse, regardless of whether there was a discharge or not. 2. Women after the completion of menstruation and birth cleansing. 3. With wet dreams (i.e. when ejaculation occurs in a dream). 4. When semen is released. You should refrain from bathing in cold water immediately after sexual intimacy. Here we want to note that a man can refrain from ejaculation in the vagina with the consent of both spouses. However, it is more expedient not to do this, as this negatively affects the replenishment of the Muslim community. And its replenishment is one of the goals of marriage. Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Marry fertile women so that I feel pride in front of other prophets of your large numbers.” The tradition also states that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "You can ejaculate to the side, only everyone who should be created before the Day of Judgment will still be created." Another reason for not wanting this is that a man who ejaculates outside the vagina can leave a woman unsatisfied. A husband can get close to his wife using various positions and techniques without restriction, but with one known condition - to exclude anal intercourse. Allah Almighty said in the Qur'an: The meaning of the verse can be conveyed as follows: “Your wives are a field for you, where you grow the crops of your offspring. Walk on your field as you wish: using a standing posture, sitting, lying down, on your side, behind ”(2; 223. Tafsir al-Jalalayn). This verse was sent down to refute the lies of the Jews, who claimed that a child is born oblique if a man performs sexual intercourse by approaching his wife from behind. Thus, sexual contact can occur in any positions, but only in a natural way. As Muslim legal scholars say, it is undesirable to copulate on three nights of the month according to the lunar calendar: on the first night of the month, on the night in the middle of the month, the last night. The companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him!) also spoke about the undesirability of this, ‘Ali, Mu’awiya, Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with them!). Scholars note that Satan is present during the encounter on these nights, and that the devils copulate at the same time. Some scholars note the preference for copulation on Friday night and Friday afternoon, considering this the most favorable time. After the completion of sexual intercourse, spouses are not recommended to get up, it would be good to lie on their right side for a while, which will have a beneficial effect on their health. A man can have sexual relations with a pregnant wife whenever he wants and until she gives birth, if there are no diseases such as amniotic fluid discharge, etc., in which the doctor forbade intimacy. Pregnancy is not an obstacle to copulation, which is also confirmed by modern scientific research. However, a man should pay more attention to his wife and treat her very carefully. It is especially necessary to be careful in the first and last months of pregnancy. He must choose a position for intercourse that would provide the woman with peace and rest and would not harm the fetus. A husband should not put his wife in a difficult, uncomfortable position, especially in the last months of pregnancy, since her burden is already heavy, and she can get tired very quickly. If there is a desire to have a child or, conversely, for some reason, pregnancy turns out to be undesirable, then the following recommendations can be followed, based on the physiological characteristics of the woman's body. Most women have a menstrual cycle of about 7 days (section I). Scientists say that for such women, the days from the 13th to the 16th inclusive, counting from the onset of menstruation (section III), are the days during which the probability of becoming pregnant is high. From the 8th to the 12th day inclusive from the start of menstruation (section II), as well as the last two weeks before the start of the next menstrual cycle (section IV), are the safest days for those who do not want to conceive. At the same time, it must be borne in mind that on days from the 10th to the 12th inclusive (IIa) and from the 17th to the 20th inclusive (IVa), the probability of becoming pregnant is still sufficient. For any woman, regardless of the duration of menstruation, the beginning of the tuhra period (the time when a woman is clean), i.e. the days following immediately after the end of menstruation, and the end of tuhra, i.e. the last days before the next period are the days with the least chance of getting pregnant1. Sharia prohibitions in intimate life First of all, we want to note that a husband is allowed to look at his wife's entire body without restriction, but it is indecent to look at each other's genitals. This is also stated in the hadith narrated from Aisha: “The Messenger of Allah died. He did not see my organs, and I did not see his organs.” (Ahmad) It is desirable that the spouses cover themselves during the rapprochement with something. Scientists say that the degree of shame in the unborn child largely depends on this. During sexual intercourse, it is important that no one is in the room, even a small child. The genitals of the spouses must be covered from everyone. Spouses are not recommended to talk directly during intercourse, as scientists note the danger that the child may be born dumb. Spouses are forbidden to tell anyone about their intimate life and reveal its secrets. In order to strengthen good relations and in order to achieve the pleasure of Allah, respect and love from others, they should try to strictly keep family secrets and everything that they trust each other. It is indecent to reveal the secrets of marital relations, neither during the period of ‘iddah, nor after a divorce. A godly man wanted to divorce his wife. He was asked about the reason for the divorce, to which he replied that a reasonable person would never reveal family secrets. Some time after he divorced, he was again asked about the reasons for the divorce. The ex-husband replied that she was already a strange woman for him, and that he did not care about her and the past life together. This is how pure and beautiful relations between spouses, even between former ones, should be. A husband is forbidden to have anal sex with his wife. This is evidenced by the following hadiths: “Allah on the Day of Judgment does not look at the one who has committed anal intercourse with his wife” (Ahmad, Abu Dawud), “Cursed be the one who performs anal intercourse with his wife” (Ibn Maja, Ahmad). Anal intercourse is unnatural, perverse and destructive to the health and soul of a person, it also leads to impotence. Sharia prohibits sexual intercourse during the menstrual cycle and postpartum cleansing. Also, a man is not allowed to touch and enjoy what is between the navel and knees of his wife during the days of menstruation. The wife, in turn, is forbidden to allow her husband to touch these places, even if he wants to, or to touch her husband herself with these parts of the body. There is a verse in the Qur'an on this subject: The meaning of this verse can be conveyed as follows: “They ask you (O Muhammad!) About menstruation and the possibility of sexual intercourse with wives during this period. Tell them it's a time of trouble for women. Move away from them and do not touch them until their bleeding has passed and they are cleansed ”(2; 222. Tafsir al-Jalalayn). If, nevertheless, the husband touched these parts, then he must repent. And if the spouse during this period, by mistake or through forgetfulness, committed sexual intercourse, then he also needs to pay a ransom (kaffara) for what he did, giving it to those in need. If the discharge was red, then you need to pay one dinar, and if it was yellow, then half a dinar. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) commanded us this way, but this is not an obligation, but a recommended action. In addition, medicine has proven that relationships during menstruation lead to various diseases, and a woman even to infertility. Scientists say that it is possible to conceive a child with leprosy if the husband has sexual intercourse with his wife during menstruation, until she bathes after cleansing. At the same time, a man is allowed to be with his menstruating wife and do everything else, except for the above items. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said about this: “Do whatever you want, except for sexual intercourse” (Muslim, at-Tabarani). After the woman is freed from the menstrual cycle, she must wash herself, then perform a full ablution, after which intimate relationships are allowed according to Sharia. The benefits of moderate sexual intimacy and the harm of their abuse In the intimate life of spouses, the regularity of sexual contacts is of great importance. Too long abstinence, as well as frequent and irregular contacts, lead to significant disturbances throughout the body and especially the functions of the genital organs. With regular sexual intercourse, thoughts that overcome a person go away, he gains vigor, calms down, his excessive anger is suppressed. In addition, as scientists note, it helps with melancholy and many neuropsychological diseases, giving vigor and expelling the “heaviness” accumulated due to the seed from the brain and heart. It also helps with kidney disease. Prolonged abstinence from sexual intercourse, as well as their excessive frequency and disorder, due to the peculiarities of the anatomical structure of the male genital organs, leads to dysfunction of the urinary system (kidneys, bladder). Sometimes in men, due to a long cessation of copulation, there is an accumulation of semen, a decrease in sperm activity and a decrease in the ability to fertilize. Of course, with frequent and irregular contacts, there is a violation of the rhythm of sperm production, which leads to dysfunction of the genital organs. Frequent copulations in summer and autumn are more harmful than in winter and spring. According to scientists, as far as possible, it is best to refrain from frequent sexual intercourse for someone who suffers from diseases of the respiratory system, the cardiovascular system. For a man, the way of intercourse, when the woman lies on top, is harmful, as is standing intercourse, which weakens the body. Feeling the need to excrete feces or urine, as well as immediately after exercise, exertion, strong emotional experiences, one should not have sexual contact. Favorable time for rapprochement of spouses You should not approach each other on a full stomach, since after a meal there is a physiological redistribution of blood in the body, i.e. its large accumulation in the vessels of the intestine, and, accordingly, the blood supply to other organs decreases. Sexual intercourse on a full stomach is a lot of physical activity, which, if there is a shortage of blood, can lead to an attack of angina pectoris or fainting. You should also not get close after the complete and comprehensive digestion of food, because this is also harmful and difficult for the human body. For some, the auspicious state for approaching is at the beginning of the night, and this is the most suitable time for them, both for the reasons mentioned above, and because this is followed by a long sleep, and strength is restored again, and in women during sleep semen is retained. in the uterus. One should copulate only with healthy lust, which is not caused by a look, thoughts, itching or burning, but only by an abundance of semen and an overflow of the sexual organ, i.e. human physiology. All this contributes to a healthy state of male power. The best time for balanced people is when a person, having copulated, after a certain period of abstinence, feels satisfied, and all his feelings are aggravated. Many Muslim scholars believe that a husband should have sexual intercourse with his wife every four days. However, the needs of the wife must also be taken into account, since from the point of view of Islam, spouses have the same rights to sexual intimacy. Author Muhammad Hajiyev al-Inchi

What gives us sex? Sex, family relationships and a woman's attitude towards herself are three interconnected things. When there are improvements in sexual life, a woman discovers a new world, forgets her old attitudes and becomes happier. Therefore, her attitude towards herself also changes, and hence her attitude and behavior with other family members. In the same way, when relationships in the family become warmer, sex happens better and more often. Well, when a woman works on herself and becomes more confident, relatives also read it. This has an impact on family and sexual life.

• 8 out of 10 marriages fail because of problems in sex;
• complexes related to intimate issues, every third woman has;
• pleasure from intimate life is received by about 20% of women around the world;
• people go to the dentist 200 times more often than to a sexologist. Although problems in sex appear more often.

Lack of initiative

Some women, for various reasons, cannot achieve orgasm. Because of this, they begin to think that something is wrong with them, they worry about this, there is a tightness in relations with their husband, and this cannot but affect intra-family relations.

One of the reasons for such thoughts may be that the husband wants initiative from the woman, but she cannot give it(complexes, is influenced by old attitudes from childhood that “women do not need this”, etc.). Immediately connected and another installation: "Guys just need this."

Yes, in a man's brain, a larger area is responsible for sex than in a woman's, and when you deny your man sex, he perceives this as a refusal in himself. You don’t just say “sorry, I don’t want to today, I’m very tired”, you say “I don’t need you anymore, go away”. Of course, this is very embarrassing. In addition, sexual energy has accumulated, but there is nowhere to throw it out. Then scandals and nit-picking over trifles can begin.

Well, a couple of times a month a man will endure a rejection without much loss. But what if you have to refuse him more often? Is it possible to have sex through force? No, you just need to understand why you do not want this and change the situation in your favor.

Sex during pregnancy

Often, men, due to some kind of prejudice, do not want to have sex with a pregnant woman, fearing to harm the baby. Or after pregnancy, a woman is perceived by him, and by herself, only as a mother. While remaining a woman and a wife.

The problem arises when, after a long break, the couple no longer wants to have sex. Looks like no, and you don't need to. We need to fight this, discuss it and find solutions together.

How to criticize your husband?

A man in his entire life can not be told by a single woman that he is doing something wrong in bed - this is considered extremely harmful to his self-esteem. In fact, it is possible and necessary to speak (in a mild form, of course). Nobody can read minds, so if you know exactly what you want, tell your man directly about it: “do this and that”, “I need a long foreplay”, etc. If before you were silent, and now you finally decided, you can give some logical explanation.

For example, a gynecologist told you that after thirty a woman's hormonal background changes, and her preferences in sex may change. Your man is still right, he is still the best, but now he has the opportunity to become even better. In the end, everyone is fine.

In fact, in bed a man is more important than a female orgasm. Then he feels like superman. So let him give you pleasure and be a superman.

Why is there no desired effect?

First, the issue may be education. A woman is supposedly a mother, mistress, public figure, but not a lover. As a child, your parents ask you to go to the kitchen when the kiss scene starts in the movie; they say women don't need sex at all; prohibit any manifestations of sexuality in puberty and so on. At school, this topic is also taboo, so if one of the peers knows something, that he will learn it in the yard, from the same ignorant ones.

Secondly, the problem may lie in lack of information. A woman has no one to discuss the problems of sex with and there is nowhere to learn about it. Meanwhile, advertising promises: "Buy this dress - everyone will want you", "Visit this beauty salon - all the men will be at your feet." She buys, visits - but there is no sense. And there is nothing to say about sexologists and sex coaches: “Well, what am I, some kind of crazy, go to a sexologist!”.

Thirdly, as mentioned above, tension in the relationship also adversely affects the sexual interaction of the couple. Women, of course, multitask, but at the same time they cannot be angry with a partner and want him. Here it is necessary to break the vicious circle:

quarrels and conflicts -> decreased desire -> monotony in bed -> rare sex -> quarrels and conflicts -> …

Fourth, maybe boring. Who will run into the bedroom when every second knows everything that will happen there? Yes, no one.

The birth of a baby

The birth of a child is the happiest time in a couple's life, but it is during this period that quarrels and mutual recriminations often begin, in particular those related to sex. This can happen for several reasons:

1. A woman forgets that she is not only a mother, but also a wife. Under the influence of hormones, she is completely immersed in caring for the baby, forgetting about her husband.
2. Fatigue accumulates, lack of sleep and anxiety due to the baby overcome. There's no sex here.
3. The husband is an adult, he should, it would seem, understand that the baby constantly needs attention and care. But in fact, a man more often does not rush to help his wife hard, but tries to regain her attention, being capricious.
4. There are changes in appearance. Someone is worried because of the weight gained, someone because of a change in the appearance of the genitals. As a result, a woman begins to be ashamed of herself and cannot be liberated.
5. Prohibition of sex after childbirth. It usually lasts about two months, but the longer there is no sex, the less you want it.
6. Discomfort during sex after childbirth. This can be dealt with by starting slowly, focusing on foreplay, trying new positions, using lubricant.
7. Fear of getting pregnant. You can not be afraid of an unplanned pregnancy by choosing, together with a specialist, such a method of protection that a woman will trust.

All this can and should be fought, because when a mother is happy, the child is happy. And a mother who has a strained relationship with her husband will not be happy. And the first thing you should do is discuss this with your husband. And then together you will certainly find a way out

Conclusions:

1. It's never too late to change the situation! Even though you have been married for 30-40-50 years, it is never too late to take action and return passion to the relationship.
2. The first results will appear quickly. They will be small, but pleasant.
3. All women can experience pleasure. And at least 5 different types of it!

Intimate relationships in the family depend on many factors that, taken together, can strengthen or weaken the sexual relationship of the spouses. The frequency and quality of intimate relationships depends on many factors - the state of the body, internal desires and external factors. And, what is most curious, the intensity of the sexual relations of the spouses depends even on the time of year (in the spring, as we know, sexual desire is increased and intimate relationships among the spouses are on the rise), on the climate, lifestyle, people's nutrition.

The vital activity of a person is subject to a certain physiological rhythm, all the functions of the body either increase or, on the contrary, decline. The same periodicity is observed in the sexual sphere and affects intimate relationships in the family.

Sexual problems between husband and wife

The largest Russian scientist I. I. Mechnikov said that there is a lot of disharmony in the sexual relations of the spouses. In his opinion, even the fact that sexual sensuality in men develops much earlier than in women often leads to discord in the family. At that moment, when the sensuality of a woman reaches its peak, in men it already begins to subside. This disharmony of intimate relationships has always led to turmoil in the family and has been one of the causes of divorce. And, having mastered sexual literacy, spouses can establish intimate relationships in the family, thus eliminating the disharmony of sexual relations or significantly reducing it, thereby discovering for themselves a new facet of family happiness.

To achieve harmony in intimate relationships, young spouses often do not succeed immediately. Only after some time, the features of character and temperament, habits of each other are recognized in order to feel calm and confident in private and to cast aside all doubts and suspicions about the correctness of any actions and deeds. It also takes time to get to know the erogenous zones in order to stimulate them during intimate relationships between spouses.

How to achieve harmony in sexual relations?

One of the necessary conditions for sexual harmony is the equal active participation of spouses in sexual relations. In order for intimate relationships in the family not to become a cause for contention, the desire of both partners to give each other maximum pleasure is necessary. If one of the spouses or both try each only for themselves, and the other serves only as a means to achieve pleasure, then there will be no real, full-fledged, intimate relationships in the family. With caress and sensual tenderness, sexual relations begin and must end with the same.

A man in intimate relationships is more active than a woman in most cases. And the technique of sexual intercourse largely depends on his actions. However, many of the men do not pay due attention to this side of sexual relations. They almost do not stimulate the erogenous points of the spouse and proceed directly to the act when the woman is not yet ready for it. This indicates a complete lack of sexual literacy and, as a result, the spouse does not have sexual relaxation from such sexual relations.

Conditions necessary for sexual harmony in the family

Before each beginning of an intimate relationship, the mood should be good, upbeat. A man should not start sexual relations if the spouse does not want it. But, if a signal of readiness is received, then it’s up to the spouses. There can be no advice here, but one thing is clear, a husband who is not able to understand the feelings of his wife cannot be called a husband, but bears this title only formally.

Each time, before starting a sexual relationship, you need to correctly assess your condition, both physical and psychological. If both spouses are tired after work, then foreplay and kisses may be useless. It will not be possible to cause the necessary excitement, and such intimate relationships will not bring anything good to the family, only a feeling of dissatisfaction.

The situation during intimacy is very important. And imperceptible, at first glance, interior details can both increase and decrease desire. For example, if a woman is accustomed to intimate relationships in the dark, then bright light can have a retarding effect on her. Also, unexpectedly revealed episodes from the life of one of the spouses before marriage, his rudeness, unaesthetic actions can cause alienation and disrupt the normal sexual relations of the spouses. The complete seclusion of the spouses is important for intimate relationships in the family. They should not be disturbed by children or other adults. Otherwise, sexual intercourse will not bring satisfaction and may cause disorders of sexual function and the nervous system.

The onset of an erection in men and arousal in women is facilitated by tender words, which are accompanied by mutual caressing each other. The most effective are stroking and massaging parts of the body called erogenous zones. Kissing different parts of the body increases excitement, the desire to possess each other increases, erections in men increase. In women, the clitoris swells, blood rushes to it, the entrance to the vagina is moistened with mucus secreted by special glands. It is believed that with insufficient hydration of the vagina, a woman is not ready for sexual intercourse.

Then comes the frictional phase of sexual intercourse. During this phase, frictional movements irritate special nerve endings, increasing sexual arousal up to orgasm. Irritations coming from erogenous areas reach great strength. In this stage of intimate relations, the actions of the spouses are to a large extent reflexive. And some men and women in such moments of sexual relations may manifest rude cruel actions in the form of bites, slaps, for men - rude words and caresses. Such actions have been and remain the subject of investigation by psychiatrists and psychologists.

In intimate relationships in the family, a young husband is often not familiar with the psychology of a young girl and the technique of sexual intercourse and does not satisfy his wife, which can lead to moral dissatisfaction of the husband himself, up to the appearance of signs of impotence. Also, many women, due to their upbringing, remain passive, believing that a man should play an active role in the sexual relations of spouses. And this upbringing leaves a certain imprint on her actions in the first years of marriage. A young girl almost always restrains her desires. And the task of the young husband is to understand, comprehend and embody the desires of the young wife, thereby taking a big step towards harmony in intimate relationships in the family. And this is important for creating a happy family and finding family happiness.

About intimacy...

Delicate question. My husband and I are baalei teshuva and we have been married for a year. Tell us, please, what exactly is forbidden in intimate life and what is undesirable; usually undesirable, but necessary in case one of us needs it; what is recommended?… To be honest, I even feel somewhat shy when it comes to the attention of the opposite sex. But here - it's a HUSBAND! I personally feel that intimacy between husband and wife is so important that if anything can enhance it, then that's just a plus! But I know that my husband is very afraid of breaking something, and I just can’t ask him about it, because. I don't know if this is possible or not. Thanks a lot!

What should be the true attitude towards sexual relations between a man and a woman? What about the fact that we are used to indulging in love without thinking about whether it is good or bad? I intuitively understand that there should be no bestial attitude, but I don’t know how to explain it. Where can I read more about this?

I am ashamed and uncomfortable writing about this, but I want to understand how to relate to this. I returned from the mikveh, and my husband is sleeping. I kindly woke him up, and he got angry that I was disturbing his sleep and that he would not be able to study tomorrow. I cried all night. I am very hurt and sad. And this is not the first time. It's not that he's unwell, sometimes he lashes out at me, and not always at the right time. Is that how it should be?

Answered by Rav Asher Kushnir

Since the pain and crying of wives reaches the Throne of the Creator, but, as a rule, it does not reach husbands, we will try to expand this topic, and, perhaps, by accidentally reading these lines, he will wake up...

Usually when young baal teshuva, let's call him Abrasha, is going to build a family, then he, like everyone else, will face many trials in his future married life. But one of them is special. The fact is that Abrasha does not start this life from scratch, but drags her past with her, where a lot has already accumulated. There are wild experiences, obscene fantasies, selfish desires ... What to do with them? There are those who do nothing. teshuva did, but not in all areas. That is, in this specific area, life continues without changes and without a head ...

And there are those who, on the contrary, like Abrasha, feeling that the past, like dirt, clings to and pursues them, wanted to cleanse themselves, went to study in yeshiva and plunged into mikveh Torah. And then it may happen that he suddenly begins to see everything connected with intimate life as forced violence against himself. Abrasha came from a world where everything was permitted and there were no boundaries of decency, and now he needs to move into the world of holiness, where everything is forbidden. And if you ask Abrasha where such an understanding came from, he will confidently point to quotes from the Talmud and Midrash, warning how much one should beware of bodily lusts ... Abrasha really wants to be holy right away, as tanaim And amoraim.

But, unfortunately, it is little known that everything related to intimate relationships in a Jewish family is not recorded anywhere! This is the Oral Torah, which is passed down from generation to generation, and every bride and groom hear about it the day before their wedding from special mentors. And what is written can, as a rule, lead to misconceptions.

Moreover, unfortunately, many of those who instruct with baalei teshuva before the wedding, without consulting the big rabbis, they emphasize not what is allowed, but what is forbidden. They try to protect the purity of the future family, but at the same time they do not take into account their inner world, where a colossal rise in spirituality has already prompted them to see intimate relationships as a forced sin, and their wife as its source.

And, as a rule, in many families they did not even receive such instructions. Therefore, they build their relationship, relying not on the commands of the Torah, but mainly on the basis of intuitive desires and general considerations. And to ask whether it is a shame, or there is no one, or male pride does not allow ...

How does the Torah see the relationship between husband and wife?

It is said in the treatise Yoma (54, 1): “... when the people of Israel came [to Jerusalem] for the holidays, they opened the curtain [Holy of Holies of the Temple] in front of them and showed them kruvim[male and female image], which were close to each other. (RASHI comments: kruvim- stuck together, holding and hugging each other, like a husband wife). And they say to them: You see, your relationship with Gd is as precious as the relationship of a husband and wife. Therefore, it is called the Holy of Holies of the Temple, that place in which the essence of the connection between the people of Israel and Gd is manifested - bedroom"(Mlahim bet 11:2).

Said in the book Zohar(Vayikra, Kdoshim): “…God ​​rests and abides only in the one… When [a person] is called one? When they [together] are a man and a woman, and he is sanctified by the highest holiness, since his intention to sanctify himself. And look, when a person is in union - a man and a woman [as] one whole - and intends to sanctify himself, as it should be, then he is a whole person and is called one, without defect. From these and numerous other sources in the Torah, we learn that it is in this very bodily deed that there can be the presence of the Creator, holiness and purity.

And not a single person in the world would have come up with such an idea if the Creator had not revealed it to us. No one, except G-d himself, could show a person the path to the most spiritual through the most corporeal and in the place where a person can turn into an animal, give him the opportunity to become an angel.

Moreover, this act must be accompanied by a natural awakening of the passion of the body and the joy of the soul. As Chazon Ish wrote at the end of Igeret Hakoidesh: “... in the connection in which Not there will be great lust, love and desire, there is no presence of the Creator.”

This is a completely different, revolutionary view of intimate relationships. After all, the one who came from the world of permissiveness is more afraid than any religious Jew of every manifestation of lust, so he can easily come to the conclusion that the path of the Torah is the path of asceticism and evasion of ties with his wife, and in this he sees that holiness, about which sages write. But if you turn to the Torah and study it carefully, it turns out that holiness ( kdusha) is achieved precisely in a bodily act, but ... in accordance with all the rules, details and boundaries that Gd has established, and not “husband”. You just need to find out...

So, the first thing to be deeply understood is that the Torah considers intimate relationships with a wife as husband's religious duty! It sounds a little strange, but it's still not that hard to understand. Once one of the husbands put it well. I will retell his words according to the rules of censorship:

“Before the wedding, my thoughts revolved around the girls all the time. And I was ready to give all my attention to my future wife ... But you won’t believe it, as soon as I got married, all this disappeared somewhere. This is not something that does not pull at all for his wife, pulls, but somehow a burden. I, as a rule, get tired, there are enough worries, somehow it’s not up to her ...

Without entering into a discussion of the nature of this phenomenon, let us summarize. When a young man marries, the Torah obliges him to be responsible to his wife in three areas of relationships: he must feed her, clothe her, and undertakes to observe the rules of intimate life, called mitzvah- "she". RAMBAM in the Mishneh Torah ( Ishut, 14, 7) establishes: “It is forbidden for a husband not to observe the mitzvah “she”, and if he violated and avoided this, in order to upset her, he violated the prohibition of the Torah ... ". The Shulchan Aruch also establishes the law (Even Haezer 76:11).

It turns out that the command of an intimate relationship between husband and wife is not given to the husband at his personal discretion and mood, is not related to his desire (opportunities are taken into account), but speaks of the obligation that the Torah imposed on him. That is, this is not a forced act that distracts from the service of G-d and the fulfillment mitzvot, and this is itself mitzvah, and this is the manifestation of service to G-d!

It may be worthwhile to understand why the laws of the Torah so strictly command a husband to take care of his wife's bodily needs. Let's go back to the beginning of Creation. After Adam and Eve sinned, they and the whole world were cursed by God. The first woman was cursed, at first glance, with a strange curse: “And your desire for your husband, and he will rule over you ...” ( Bareshit 3:16). The question is, where is the curse? Is passion for a husband a curse? And for whom is it created? RASHI comments on this as follows: “Lust for a husband is for intimate relationships, and despite this, the wife will not be able to directly express this to her husband, and he will rule; everything will come from him, not from her.” Explains the MAHARAL in GurArie: "This is a curse, she is drawn to her husband, but she cannot demand openly." And even in our advanced age, this curse remains on the modern woman. That is why, if a husband does not pay intimate attention to his wife, the sages consider this for her as torture.

Unfortunately, many husbands assume that when he returns home tired, after a busy day of school or work and study, his wife will understand his desire to rest and gain strength the next day. Well, does she really not understand that the Torah is above all? Dear husbands! Your wives do not forgive you, do not understand and do not accept (except for exceptions to the rule). For them, it's torture. The Torah regards this as torture. The same Torah that you learn. Therefore, sages consider the evasion of conjugal duties as a crime, as a gross violation of the laws of the Torah.

General components of a mitzvah.

So, the husband is required to observe the mitzvah - she. As already mentioned, it is not customary to describe in detail what is transmitted orally, but a few necessary requirements can be briefly mentioned.

Since the desire of a wife for her husband is natural and has been invested in her since the time of Chava, the husband is only required not to spoil this desire with his inattention, rudeness or anger. And if the wife does not have such a desire, the husband must check what he has already done and correct it. And not only “do not spoil” the wise men oblige the husband, but to show special attention and love before the action itself. Moreover, it is obliged to do it all day, otherwise it will violate the components mitzvah. (See BACH na Tur, Orach Chaim, ch. 280, for the words: "Be careful in performing the mitzvah ona").

And what to mention that the day the wife should go to mikveh should be a special day in the family. This is the day of the wedding and the renewal of all relationships. How important it is to create a romantic and intimate atmosphere in the house, turn off the phones, buy or cook something that can enhance intimacy and love. Rav Eliyashiv establishes that the husband is obliged on this day to protect himself and not be tired and nervous, so that, God forbid, not to cancel mitzvah.

Therefore, the husband, who fell asleep that night, is considered by the Torah as a criminal, who at the same time covered up his egoism with “righteousness” ...

The sages obligated the husband to know what was in a woman's heart, but considering that sometimes not all husbands can do it, they did not leave the frequency and number of marital relations either in the power of his "holiness" or in the power of outbursts of his lust, but determined each according to his kind activities.

On the one hand, they warn that husbands should not be with their wives, like a “rooster with a hen”, not every day and not many times. And, on the other hand, in our time even “talmid haham” as “working”, that is, twice a week. That's how the law lays down MishnahBrura (Biur Halacha, Ch. 240), and so writes Rav Moshe Feinstein (Even Khaezer, part 3, 456). Stipler, in his letter, pointed out that "who wants to limit himself once a week, and not two, is close to violating the prohibition from the Torah." Twice this is the norm, but if the husband notices that his wife smiles romantically and dresses up so that he pays attention to her, then the husband is obliged to respond accordingly. This is in addition to the normal obligations.

And the holiness that Abrasha is so looking for is, as always, in another place, in the most complex, in the purity of intention with which the marital act takes place. The sages establish that the pleasure of the husband comes by itself, therefore it is not the purpose of the marital act. Therefore, if the husband is not eager to fulfill mitzvah more often than necessary, and will set himself entirely to care for the pleasure, satisfaction and joy of his wife, then this will be the main part of holiness.

As you can imagine, there are many more details that cannot be mentioned here. This is the Oral Torah, the laws of which every Jewish husband is obliged to find out exclusively from mentors competent in this area.

How many problems between husband and wife in intimate relationships, and as a result, in spiritual relationships could be avoided, and trips to sexologists and family therapists could be saved if they did exactly what the Creator commands.

What the Bible Says About the Sins of Debauchery Between Husband and Wife

Holy secret of intimacy. Who would not want these minutes to be as pure as possible, pleasantly sharp and meaningful for both. Everyone, up to a certain period, different for each person, understands that intimate relationships between the sexes, namely between spouses, are something unusual and unknown, like experience. And that makes it irresistibly attractive. But even here the enemy has crippled hearts and thoughts, feelings and desires. Today we have an unbridled perverted concept of the relationship between the sexes. The world is being corrupted by lusts, not by needs.. Subsequently, everyone has their own distorted knowledge, and the same distorted experience, about sexual and marital relations. It is not customary to teach family, and even more intimate relationships, in accordance with the instructions of the Holy Scriptures, in which the will of the Creator is expressed.

How can two people know what is pure in their relationship and what is not. Today, the understanding of the purity and sanctity of relationships has been lost. Perhaps not everyone had it before. But progress has taken its toll. Great corruption has come over the whole earth. It did not pass by those who consider themselves in the congregation to be believers, but at home they are Sodomites. Many people say: "EVERYTHING is pure between those who love, everything that is pleasant and acceptable for them!" Is it so. I would not have known the answer to this question if I had not entrusted my discipleship to our Lord Himself, Jesus Christ. And He teaches in all spheres of life to have His, God's, vision.

“Therefore God gave them over to shameful passions: women their replaced natural use unnatural; like men, leaving natural use female gender, inflamed with lust for each other. "

I think everyone understands the word "natural"? Eating by mouth is natural. Anus (booty) - unnatural. It is natural to have sexual contact with the help of the corresponding organs. And with the help of organs intended for another use, it is unnatural. As laid down by the Creator, so it happens in nature. Neither a cat, nor a dog, nor a cow would think of having sexual contact in a different way than it was given during their creation (with the exception of animals that are corrupted by man or possessed by unclean spirits).

Why were sexual relations created?

Argument 1: TO PROCESS,

All nature, consisting of two sexes, has relations between the sexes in an unperverted form, through certain members and parts of the body - for breeding. This is a wonderful mating season, which is NOT for entertainment and satisfaction of sexual instincts operates in their members. They give life, are fruitful and multiply during this intercourse.

Video about the miracle of the origin of life

Argument 2: TO LOVE AGAPE.

For a person, except for procreation, it is also for the manifestation of agape love, which gives, and not seeks itself, when two enjoy the unity of the spirit and the merging of bodies and souls, and give love to the other half. This is especially true in the first year of their marriage. For this, the groom was not even taken to war. I understood: God commanded to do this, so that the family would be established and the merging of two into one whole would occur at the maximum on all three levels, giving also an heir - a child, the beginning of the strength of the father and the first fruit of their unity in love.

Argument 3: SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS INTENDED BY THE CREATOR ARE ONLY FOR MARRIAGE, AND ONLY IN KEEPING THE LOD IMMAINT, CLEAN.

Conceived by the Creator in the act of creation, sexual relations between spouses are only for marriage, and only in keeping the bed clean.

Distortions (perversions) are unacceptable in the act of merging in the love of husband and wife into one whole, conceived by God the Creator. God has given these relationships a high purpose, not to satisfy perverse, depraved profligates. If we eat food and put food in the mouth, and not in the anus or the female genital organ, it is only because the Creator intended it to be so. And no one would think of such a thing. God created us with just such inclinations. These organs are designed exactly for this, “what” the Creator put in them. They, against the instinct laid down by God for procreation, do not go. And people, created in the Image and Likeness of God, have sunk below the animals.

And if, instead of organs intended for childbearing, seeking pleasure in this perversion, a person uses another organ that is not intended for this? That is an abomination before God and to the destruction of that soul. The demon of debauchery took possession of him. If this were not so, then you can eat booty, etc. But everyone understands that this is madness. So it is in sexual relations - it is madness to defile the lips with perversions. The lips with which we glorify the Creator and God, with which we turn to Him in all difficult moments of life.

Can the pure come out of the impure? Can a Holy God accept impure, defiled prayer from such lips. Unless he accepts the prayer of sincere repentance for the sin of debauchery, in which these sins are blotted out by the sacrifice of Christ. Similarly, anal intercourse is a rough, dirty, depraved act. These sins - the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah - the madness of debauchery, in the so-called "oral sex", And also in the so-called. "anal sex" - specific homosexuality in the family. That is why God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah for these sins. The letter to the Romans deals with this issue. It is precisely by these acts that the madness of these unfortunates is revealed. It is said in the message that the natural use of the male sex by women and the natural use of the female sex by men, the madmen have perverted into unnatural. And this is to their death.

It is written in Scripture how God speaks to a person and offers to choose: blessing and life - or curse and death. Why should you perish, says the Lord. Choose life and blessing. But you chose death, says the Lord. .

A believer, even in his thoughts, should not have such a sin: depravity in the family .. And there is one standard, a role model: Jesus Christ. Ask yourself the question, doing or wanting to do this or that: “Would Jesus, Lord, do it. How does God Himself view my desires? And you will get an answer: specific and clear. I received it in this matter in a relationship with an unbelieving ex-husband: all further questions and desires to participate have disappeared. And I always get it, every time, if I am not clear about something.

I will also say that relationships in marriage, where the Creator Himself teaches to build these relationships and fills them from His Source — they are wonderful! They are amazing and beyond words! And when I turned away from benefits with “advice” on how and in what perspective the body should get the most pleasure, I firmly knew: “The Lord will always give me instructions on what and how to do in these relationships, because He, like no one else, knows how to make relationships wonderful between two people who sincerely want to learn how to love. And nothing happened. in the first marriage. There was no ground on which to build. There must be unity and one goal in the family, and following this goal. Otherwise, this is not a family, but at best a collective farm. And the collective farm (collective farm) does not make anyone happy.

But in marriage by the will of God, I learned about what the Lord gave me knowledge even then. I saw in practice how wonderful the relationship in the Lord of two who have become one and rebuild their lives from the "ego" - to the life of "agape". This is a fascinating and very interesting process of creative creativity under the guidance of the Creator. In this process of discipleship, God reveals a new world to a person, and also reveals in a person his potentialities and abilities hidden in God, removes all the dirt and rottenness of sin from the heart. It also fills the heart, and soul, and body, and life with light. But only a person who has been born again and has trusted in everything to the Father and God is able to understand and appreciate this. A person will not understand until he is born, fed and instructed, growing up (remember the life story of Mowgli). Everything is the same in the spiritual life: the birth from Above of our spirit, in its nourishment by the Word of God addressed to it personally, and in its subsequent growth.

Where does intimate life go? Part 1.

Where does intimate life go? Part 1.

Hello, dear readers of the zuit.ru blog! What does the lack of sex between husband and wife lead to? Proximity , family and love are inextricably linked. In a previous article on this interesting topic, I wrote about an amazing experiment, as a result of which the spouses had an excess of sex. Check out: " intimate life.100-day marathon!”

And what happens in a family if there is no intimacy between husband and wife? And, most importantly, no one is trying to figure out why this is happening, because the wife is silent on this topic, like a fish. The husband does the same.

The couple live together, but they just act like roommates or housemates, they don't even kiss or hug because they think it's superfluous.

Why is this happening and what to do? One option is to go to a family psychologist or a sexologist.

Unfortunately, the mentality of people does not allow you to gather strength and go to a specialist for a consultation. Basically, everyone is trying to find the answer on the Internet, so you can read a few tips on what to do if there is no intimacy with your husband (wife).

Some time after the wedding and the birth of children, the relationship between the spouses changes. There are families where the husband and wife do not even look into the eyes, because they have completely moved away from each other. Very often they sleep in separate rooms, if the living space allows it, and do not discuss their problems.

Why did this happen and where did the sex go?

Imagine a situation where a baby is born and mom takes him to bed to calm him down. The child cries, sleeps badly, and dad has to go to work in the morning. In order to get some sleep, he temporarily moves to another room. As you know, there is nothing more permanent than temporary.

The child grows up, but remains to sleep with his mother, displacing his father completely. This attitude becomes the norm, and sex disappears, which is understandable.

In nature, this can be observed in small birds, in whose nest the cuckoo threw an egg. When the cuckoo hatches from the egg, he will use an interesting tactic: he throws his neighbors out of the nest and is left alone in the care of foster parents.

In this case, when dad goes to another room and stays there every night, he is pushed out of their family bed by his own child.

This is due to the fact that young spouses simply do not know what can come in the end when a mother takes a crying baby into her bed to calm him down.

If conflicts and quarrels occur in the family, then this also leads to a restriction of intimate life or even to its complete absence.

For example, spouses meet for sex no more than once or twice a month, and the process itself takes a couple of minutes, no more.

Both accumulate resentment and even anger at each other. The deterioration of relations is also greatly influenced by the financial situation of the family, for example, debts or problems at work.

The wife and husband do not talk, the stress accumulates and gradually increases, which leads to an even more strained relationship.

There are even such families in which there is no intimacy between husband and wife for several months. Due to a whole range of problems, the wife becomes very unhappy, which affects not only the husband, but also their children.

Lack of physical intimacy leads to loss of intimacy and understanding. The spouses cease to be friends, and each begins to live, as it were, on his own. They gradually move further and further away from each other.

As a result, one of them begins to spin the thought that the relationship has come to an end, love has disappeared, and it's time to leave. But I feel sorry for the children, for their sake we have to endure and pretend that everything is fine.

It is simply impossible to call such a situation in the family normal, because the love that connected two people and gave birth to a child cannot just take and suddenly disappear.

Of course, if you got married or got married for love, and not "to spite the conductor."

How to get married so as not to regret it, read here.

Why did the relationship between two loving people deteriorate and what should be done so that the former feeling of falling in love with a spouse returns?

Let's see what you can do if your family has a similar situation.

First, we need to speak frankly with each other.

When a conflict begins in a family, and there are many of them, because there are always reasons for them, the wife resorts to an interesting tactic: she deprives her husband of sex. Due to fatigue and frequent quarrels, she simply has no desire to do this.

A husband without sex accumulates tension, because he just needs it, he is so arranged. As a result of all this, the conflict between the spouses only deepens, but is not resolved. And in the end, no one wins, because the relationship continues to deteriorate every day.

Due to the lack of spiritual and physical intimacy, an emotional emptiness accumulates inside a woman, her hands drop, she hardens and scrolls through various thoughts in her head that do not have any positive impact.

Because irritation, resentment, anger and a desire to punish a spouse settle next to them. Thoughts rush in her head, gradually growing and increasing the size of grievances to universal proportions.

A man most often simply remains silent so as not to swear once again.

What does he feel? Yes, imagine that men are also quite sensitive creatures.

He considers himself useless, is, as it were, in a trap. After all, his wife does not understand him, does not notice, does not listen, completely devoting herself to children. But he is also a man, he needs sex and quite often! In the soul of a man accumulates anger and resentment towards his wife.

When asked when was the last time you had sex, you must answer:

“There hasn’t been a last time!”

The husband hardens and becomes rude, he is ready even for treason. But not necessarily he will do so, he will endure in silence.

Meanwhile, quarrels continue, and they occur out of the blue, becoming stronger and stronger.

Therefore, if the person with whom you connected your life and had children is dear to you, urgently conclude a truce.

You probably know how the Indians smoked the peace pipe. They all sat in a circle and smoked this pipe in complete silence. Each of them took a few puffs and passed them on to the next. This is exactly what you will need to do.

Do not smoke, of course, because it is a very bad habit that affects health. And just network nearby and talk.

Both spouses need to agree that the conflicts have remained from that day in the past. There is no need to remember old grievances anymore. It is recommended from now on (and it is mandatory) to stop talking rudely to each other.

Forget about clarifying the relationship with raised voices and various offensive words and insults.

Why is it so important?

The fact is that the wounds that you inflict on each other with the help of words do not heal for a very long time. This is especially true for women, because they love with their ears and hate, respectively, also with their ears.

A wife can twist in her head for a long time the words that her husband expressed to her. Add your emotions to them, which gradually grow like waves in the ocean, rising higher and higher, until a real storm breaks out from such negative images. And there is already close to the tsunami.

Mental wounds take a surprisingly long time to heal, and the insults you inflict on each other only increase these wounds and prevent memory from healing them.

The first step towards the establishment of the former relations will be precisely the truce, which you conclude by mutual agreement.

A truce is a mutual agreement to stop calling each other names, criticizing, speaking in raised tones and releasing various barbs.

When spouses experience anger or resentment, they close individually. At the same time, the woman is afraid, because immediately a frightening thought settles in her head that she is no longer loved.

Then the whole meaning of family life is lost for her and even a horror of the future appears. In addition, the husband sometimes raises his voice, demanding something from her. From this, the woman becomes even harder, and the thought of ending the relationship seems to her more and more reasonable.

But it’s also not sweet for a man, because he’s trying his best, but no one has consulted with him for a long time, they don’t ask him anything, why he sees the futility of his efforts and the complete meaninglessness of everything that happens in the family.

The offended wife not only deprived him of sex, but now lives according to some plan of her own, without informing her husband of anything.

Before calling a woman a bunny, think about whether you have enough cabbage and whether a carrot will let you down.

When family relationships become tense, spouses can not only yell at each other. They often begin to apply another form of punishment for their grievances: silence.

At the same time, both hold back their negative emotions, live in constant stress. If a person drives these negative emotions deep into the heart or soul, stress begins to accumulate, anger appears.

Any showdown turns into a dispute about who is right and who is wrong. This, as you understand, does not lead to a resolution of the conflict, because mutual accusations will not return love.

As soon as the husband and wife conclude a truce, anger and resentment recede, and instead of them, a spark of the normal relationship that was in this family before, before understanding disappeared with intimate life.

The couple came to an agreement to leave everything in the past and start over. What to do next? Read about it in the second part of the article. You will learn how to return normal relationships to an intimate life ( sex) returned to normal.

latest news on e-mail, so as not to miss valuable information.

Three temptations in marriage

Ultimately, the purpose of marriage is to overcome it - to overcome marriage, not to turn it into an idol, to look at it as a means to lead you to God. Love in marriage is not canceled, because God's love does not cancel love for people and our love for each other, does not cancel either marital love or love for children, but on the contrary, makes human love stronger, stronger, cleaner, healthier, makes it truly perfect.

Today we will talk about some of the more practical issues regarding the problems a person faces in marriage. We know that there are three passions with which we are called to fight - the main ones that fight a person and from which other passions are born - love of glory, that is, selfishness, love of money and voluptuousness. Why do we think so?

From the teachings of the Fathers of the Church and from their experience, and most importantly from the holy life of Christ described in the Gospel, it is clear that the devil fought against Christ with the help of these three temptations. The first is the temptation of selfishness, love of glory, conceit and pride: if you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, - he says to Him (Luke 4: 9). The second thought - the thought of voluptuousness - we see when the devil offers Christ to turn stones into bread. And the third temptation is the love of money, when the tempter offers Him the riches of the whole world. Of course, Christ rejected all these three temptations and thus defeated the devil. The same three temptations arise before every person - selfishness, from which all other passions are born, as well as the love of money and voluptuousness.

On the other hand, we also have the three charisms, the three highest virtues of the Holy Spirit, namely faith, hope and love, they go together. Faith is the basis on which hope and love are based, just as selfishness is the basis from which all other passions are born - love of money and voluptuousness. Similarly, a family man striving for perfection in Christ will have to struggle - like every striving Christian, whether a monk or a layman - with these three great and main passions.

The first passion, as we said, this is selfishness. How does it manifest itself in practice? What does it mean? The word itself gives us the answer - “selfishness”, that is, everything revolves around our “ego”: “Only me and no one else! I think so, I think so, I want it that way, I like it that way, I want it to be like that!” All this, naturally arising from the egoistic disposition of a person, does not allow a selfish person to fall in love strongly, does not love. The reason is that he cannot overcome himself, he is closed in his egoism, in his individualism. A selfish person can neither love nor humble himself. And how can he reconcile himself when he is an egoist - he cannot even admit his mistakes, because he always justifies himself in everything.

Recently I heard an American proverb that says: "If you want to understand another, walk a couple of miles in his shoes, and you will understand him." That is, in order to understand a person, one must go down to where he is. Or rise if he stands high. It is necessary to understand another person, to see how he grew up - his age also matters, and even the difference between the sexes: a man and a woman are not the same thing: he has one psychology and another for her, one biology for him and another for her. Age also plays a role. It's one thing - a person at 20, and another - at 30, 40, 50. A person who grew up in one environment is different from one who grew up in another. Even where we come from matters. Yes, it has been noticed thousands of times. The place in which a person grew up also matters: in what city, in what village, under what circumstances.

In order to be able to communicate with another, you need to understand him, put yourself in his place, become one with him. The proof of this is Christ. Christ could save us while in heaven. He could have saved us by sending the Gospel here, or in some other way. Nothing is difficult for Christ. He, however, did not. He absolutely, completely became a Human like us, so that - just after we were powerless - he could save us. So that we can connect with Him and show us the true way of fellowship. He became Man for us.

To communicate with his wife, a husband must understand how his wife thinks - if he does not, he will never be able to communicate with her and he will always think of his wife in his own way. Similarly, a wife, if she fails to learn how a man thinks, to understand what a man wants, what he expects from his wife, how he wants his wife to treat him, she will never be able to communicate with him. The same applies to children and our parents.

Selfishness is one of the most significant factors that destroy marriage, and we see this every day around us. Selfishness breaks every connection of a person: with God, and with himself, and with the people around him, and even more so with his companion, life partner and with children.

How to deal with selfishness? Humility. In monastic life, humility is instilled through obedience, and in marriage, through cutting off one's own will. With this, a person begins - to cut off his will. You go to do something - you sacrifice what you want yourself, you do what the other person tells you. You sit down to listen to him, take time for him to tell you what he wants to say, and even if it seems funny and insignificant to you, it cannot be considered funny - you must take it seriously, because for another it is serious.

If you don't learn to humbly accept the other person's arguments and realities, then you will surely cut off all possibility of communication with him. Cutting off the will - and in the smallest, for example, to do some housework, to fulfill one's duties, to give up one's convenience at that moment, to overcome all these "I think so", "I want it to be so."

Yesterday I was asked the question: what happens to the upbringing of a child when one of the parents says one thing and the other another. Well, what's going on? We have two selfish parents who will eventually spoil their child, because neither of them humbles himself to say: “My husband also has the right to raise a child!”, “My wife also has a right to raise a child. I'm not the only one who knows how and what to do." For example, the mother said something about the child. The husband should not immediately refute this and at any cost demand that the wife agree with him.

As we have already said, the father behaves differently, and the mother has a different behavior and place in the child's psyche. When you disagree with another person and think that only you know everything and you alone can speak out about raising a child, then you are undoubtedly humiliating your partner. And the other will either shut up, or, if this is a husband, take a newspaper and say: “Educate him yourself! If you want me to bathe him, call me!”

Or maybe they will start screaming, swearing, etc., and chaos will begin in the house ...

Following selfishness, we are faced with the love of money. When we hear this word, we think that it is about the love of money. However, the love of money is not only that.

Why is the love of money a sin? After all, we all have money - and you have money, and I have money, and the Church has money, and the monasteries have money, and Christ had money. The problem is not money. Money in and of itself is not a bad thing. Bad greed. What does it represent?

I remind you what virtue is the second - hope. The first is faith, and in connection with it we said that the egoist cannot believe because he believes only in himself. He believes in himself - only he is alone, and no one else! An egoist, in essence, is an unbeliever. He is unrepentant, closed in himself, selfishness does not allow him to do anything.

And not only on money, but also on our knowledge: “I rely on my knowledge, on my strength, I am something, I have power, I have a position, I have education, financial well-being.” It is a sin to rely not on God, but on your own strength, on your money, on your fortune, on your knowledge, on your abilities, on your beauty and everything else, because this steals your heart from God and sticks it to something. otherwise. You hope that you are so beautiful or so beautiful that you don't even need to look at anyone around. A lot of young people want to see you as their wife, but you reject everyone because you think that a fairy-tale prince will come and ask for your hand. You read a lot of such fairy tales, remember?

How does this interfere with marriage? It interferes, because everyone closes in their own affairs. You see today that in every second family, spouses spend money separately, and every month they sit down together and take stock. I advise them to hire an accountant to sort it all out and not swear which of them spent more ... One pays for water, another for electricity, this one for gasoline, they calculate everything and pay like that. Few people step over this - so that everyone manages money and at the same time does not feel fear in front of another person. They go to buy a house and are afraid:

You will write half the house on me!

So that tomorrow they, more than aspirations, do not get divorced and the other does not take the whole house for himself. As if that's the problem - who gets the house when they get divorced...

This mentality is “my things”, “my time”, “I will go with my friends”, “I have a friend too”, “I have my own plans”. Exactly this my and there is something that binds me to different things. In monasticism, this is overcome through non-possession: you have nothing, you are not allowed to have absolutely nothing, not even ten lire.

How is this dealt with in marriage? through common property. Everything we have at home is ours, in common. The apostle says that we have no power even over our own body - even I myself do not belong to myself. In one text of St. John Chrysostom it says: “Why do you constantly talk about mine and yours, when my body does not belong to me, but to you, and your body does not belong to you, but to me?” . One belongs to the other; there is no "mine" and "yours".

You see that common property was a hallmark of the early Christian Church, because people then had hope in God and they did not hope for anything else. We do not have hope in God, we rely on our own strength: "I must do everything, I must be in time everywhere, I must achieve everything, I must do it." You often hear:

“How can I deal with everything? How much longer do I have to break? I owe everything!”

Our elder hegumen told us about a woman from his village who said:

“I still have so many things to do, and I haven’t gone around the village yet!”

How does trust in God disappear? When we think that we must do everything, think of everything, organize everything so that everything is perfect, but inside of us the thought gnaws that everything depends on us.

Relax, leave it to God! Do what you can and have hope in God!

Get out of it, get rid of this suspicion that comes from lack of hope. You start building your marriage, and instead of building it in the hope of success, you start considering the chances of failure. However, this is already a mistake, this is already a failure. You make a start, but you don’t learn that in marriage you don’t have your own: you don’t have your own space, you don’t have your own time, and you yourself don’t belong to yourself, but to another person.

Even in relation to your child. Mother says:

Is yours son, yours daughter, not our child, and especially if her son marries, then it begins! The daughter-in-law hears this: "My son!", - and begins to rage.

He also says: “My mother!”

The daughter-in-law hears this, and the war begins. Because it her husband, that is, even she did not overcome the feeling of ownership: “Yes, this is my husband, which means not your son! That's why she's not your mother!"

And a lot of such offensive words follow.

So this commitment to mine, yours and to anyone else - a truly great temptation in marriage, this is a destructive factor, and this is overcome through common property, through the common use of things with overcoming our attachment to what we consider our own - place, time, opinion. I know couples who fight over the football team. Yes. They fight over the party, over a lot of other things, and one disagrees with the other. All these are manifestations of the love of money, this passion, an all-encompassing passion that cuts off hope. The one who cuts off his hope in God is overcome by stress, he exhausts himself, overworks himself.

Next comes lust. Of course, in monasticism they struggle with it through virginity and chastity, complete abstinence in relation to the flesh. In marriage, it also needs to be fought - a family man cannot be voluptuous, because voluptuousness destroys marriage. Why? Because the voluptuous person looks at the other as an object, not as a person. Yes, there is a blessing on a certain carnal relationship with another person, it also has a specific goal - the birth of children, but it is not one. That is, this connection has God's blessing and the blessing of the Church, given in the sacrament of marriage.

But voluptuousness cannot be the purpose of marriage. Why? Because at the moment this voluptuous impulse cannot be satisfied to the extent that one imagines it. Because the other person, of course, is also a person, and he may not always have the same disposition as the first one: he may get sick, tired, he may have a different mood at the moment. There are different periods in marriage - the period of pregnancy or the absence of one of the spouses, the period when a person is ill or experiences a spiritual crisis, when he does not have such a disposition, and age itself also affects. It's all true, isn't it? A person grows up, and many things change. And if a person does not learn to overcome his voluptuousness, respect another person and look at him as a person, as an image of God, as a Divine vessel, as a temple of the Holy Spirit, then he will humiliate his companion, consider him unnecessary, and the marriage bond will fall apart.

Our tradition bears witness to how revered it used to be. We see how people were careful to approach the sacrament of marriage pure and blameless, they had, so to speak, a well-known philosophy of purity before marriage. Their relationship was sacred. Today, people have stooped to the point where they watch films with depraved scenes, the most vicious scenes, copy them and humiliate themselves and the other person next to them. This abolishes the sacred bond that God has blessed in marriage and destroys the basis on which true fellowship between two people must develop.

Those of you who are married and have experience know that in this union, the person is essentially striving to preserve himself as a person and cannot agree to become an object, cannot stand it. The connection must be the result of love between two people. Communication is not an end in itself. Fornication is a sin because there is no personal connection with the other, the other here is just an object, an object for satisfying passions, and nothing more. This is nothing but a humiliation of the image of God, because although the other person does this and receives a reward, although he does it because he wants to, he does not cease to be the image of God. And you must not insult and humiliate the image of God, even if the other does not understand this.

I said to some educated young people who, unfortunately, went to all sorts of night dens, where there are dancing girls and who knows what else they are doing:

Well, how do you stand it - to go look at these girls, how they dance naked, go around the tables, do a lot of things, don't you feel sorry for them? Are you really such an animal that you don’t even feel pity for this person you see in front of you?

This girl can be anything, it doesn't matter which one she. What is here You? Do you really not look at this man as an icon of God, as a man whose life has turned into hell, since he has come to the point where he does such things while working in this cabaret? Don’t you think, even for a moment: what is happening to him, in what state is the soul of this person, if he has reached such a point?

The Fathers of the Church saw such people and wept, realizing the difficulty such girls were in. There are many examples and stories about how ascetics and saints went to such dens to bring these girls out of there, because they could not watch how the icon of God turns into scum in the hands of the devil.

There are amazing stories. So, Saint John Kolov went to one such place and paid to be let in, sat on the couch of a harlot and wept, and she asked him:

Why are you crying, abba?

What harm has Christ done to you, my child, that you have come here? What do you blame Christ for coming here? I see, - he says, - Satan in your face. Your face is God's image, and you have become an instrument of Satan.

So, if you get to the point where you do not see the image of God in another, but look at him as an object of desire, then you have failed. Marriages are destroyed because of this. Why? Because we enter into marriage trained to look at the other not as a person, but as a gender: "man", "woman", "handsome man", "beautiful woman", and a host of other things. But how many years will this man and this woman be together? Well, let 10-15 years, and then? A neighbor will become good, she will become good, I don’t know there, an employee or a colleague. Because your goal was originally pleasure, voluptuousness - that was the goal of your marriage. Now you are already accustomed to another face, for you it no longer has that charm and beauty that it had before. If so, then you have already fallen. You haven't learned to see the other person as a person, and that's why a lot of people in a marriage right now go to the point of quarreling, kicking out, and hating each other.

From the experience I have as a spiritual guide, I tell you that I have seen couples, and especially wives, who literally hate their husbands because they consider them rapists, animals, because they look at their wives that way. Of course, the wives are also to blame, because at first they allowed themselves to be looked at in this way. You should have first put him in his place and taught him to treat you right. But when a person is young, his attitude to everything is superficial and it is not easy for him to act maturely. However, you cannot remain the vessel and thing of another person all your life, there will come a moment when your “I” will rise up and push the other away.

So many problems arise in relationships between people. While, on the contrary, if a person is chaste and looks at another person, at his wife, at his companion, as an icon of God, as a co-worker of God, as a temple of the Holy Spirit, then he understands that this relationship, marital connection, sexual connection - a blessing, and she is a joy, a haven that God gave, so that he would have a certain joy in difficult moments on a family path. But if you stay in the marina and turn the sexual relationship into an idol, then you have ruined your marriage.

There are people who make a good start and to a ripe old age are truly in love with each other in the right sense. Respect each other. And one never mocked the other from any point of view, neither from the spiritual, nor from the bodily, because whoever mocks bodily, he mocks mentally at the person who thus breaks down and turns away from the other person. Man is not only a body, but also a soul. It is very hard to look at spouses who are completely disgusted with each other, because they walked on the wrong path. One wanted such things that are absurd, because his only goal is voluptuousness, and the other rightly or wrongly rejected him, because "he does not ask me if I am alive, if I am dead, if I am comfortable, if I am offended ! The only thing he's interested in is sex. Nothing else. That's why I don't want it. I do not accept it, I can no longer be a thing for this person!

This proves that a person cannot limit his relationship and love to voluptuousness. Therefore, he should learn chastity and abstinence even in marriage. Of course, there are times when people should abstain: when the wife is pregnant, she cannot have marital relations, when someone is sick or has other reasons why he cannot have an intimate relationship. And here the Church educates us: there is a period of fasting, abstinence, when there is a ban on all this, a period preceding marriage, the purpose of which is to accept the other as a person, and not as flesh. And all this teaches you to live and perceive another person chastely.

When we start our journey with chastity and abstinence, we move forward because our relationship with another person is right. Then the love of God sustains our life, and our relationships and affairs take on a sacred character.

The intimate life of a wife differs significantly from that of a man, and this is precisely the source of family problems for most couples. Sexual life is one of the main aspects of a relationship, and it needs to be given no less attention than other aspects of living together.

1. Sex is important.
2. The female orgasm is an achievable goal.

Sex is important

It would seem that in modern society the veracity of this statement is beyond doubt. But for some reason, this is not the case in family life. Experiencing love during courtship, couples experience feelings of delight, joy, there are usually no problems in sex, or they are attributed to nervousness, stress and shyness.

In marriage, this approach begins to creep out sideways. What the couple neglected in the candy-bouquet period comes out: somewhere the wife lied about her addictions in order to please her husband, somewhere the husband was careless about intimate caresses. On top of that, fatigue, stress at work, new responsibilities associated with the emergence of a family, problems do not allow a woman to relax and enjoy normally. And it turns out a situation where a man and a woman move away from each other. She doesn't like sex, she doesn't enjoy it, and he feels chilled and gets angry at best, and at worst goes on a drinking binge.

And all because none of them started a frank conversation and did not want to pay attention to their partner.

The intimate life of a wife is not like the intimate life of a husband. Men, because of their physiology, perceive sex and experience orgasms differently. Conditions are not important to them, long caresses are not necessary. Physiologically, it's just a burst of excitement followed by an orgasm. The stronger sex usually prefers active and fast movements in sex, and foreplay is not required at all. Men don't have orgasms all the time, but they do happen regularly.

For women, for pleasure, a combination of many factors, both internal and external, is important. On the one hand, she should be calm, tuned in to sex, nothing should worry her (neither dirty dishes, nor problems at work or with children), she needs to be confident in her man. On the other hand, women need more time to get pleasure, so sex of 2-3 minutes will not bring even elementary pleasant sensations. Distractions are also children or adults who can suddenly enter the room, fear of getting pregnant, pain (especially as a result of sudden movements of the husband during sex).

Of the two partners, it is much more difficult for a woman to achieve orgasm. If the wife's intimate life is constantly going according to the "male scenario", she does not experience an orgasm at all. Therefore, she becomes cold, aloof, often perceives sex as a duty and can even avoid it under various pretexts.

The female orgasm is an achievable goal

It would seem that the requirements of men and women regarding sex are diametrically opposed. However, a compromise can be found.

First, the husband must understand what exactly matters to the wife. Most women need a quiet home environment, as well as foreplay for at least 10 minutes. During this time, she will relax and begin to enjoy. The movements of a man during sex should not be fast and sharp, at least at first, he needs to pay attention all the time and give caresses to his wife.

Secondly, the couple needs to find those poses and caresses that will fully satisfy both partners. A woman needs to be frank about her preferences and not be afraid to give enough caresses to her partner.

Yes, if a husband wants his wife to have an orgasm on a regular basis, he needs to show attention, endurance and care for his partner. Yes, it will take some effort. But the reward compensates for all the concessions: both will get the most out of intimate life.

Almost all couples sooner or later come to a state where intimate life becomes more boring and monotonous than it was at the beginning of the relationship. Passion fades, and the spouses believe that nothing can rekindle the flame between them.

Some families take this quite calmly, as a given that does not interfere with building happy relationships further, and some couples begin to panic, believing that now they will have to look for a new partner for sex either within the family (love on the side) or get divorced altogether. In this article, we will consider the causes of the fading of passion, as well as ways to solve this problem.

Phases of love

At the very beginning of a romantic relationship, a woman and a man are absolutely immersed in each other. The passion between them boils and rages. Then, after some time, relationships acquire a deeper meaning, and intimate life becomes more familiar and routine. With the birth of children, family life moves to a new level.

New worries are added, and intimate life changes its rhythm and quality. Spouses are well aware of each other's desires, they can give pleasure to their partner. As a rule, both husband and wife are quite calm about new experiments and pauses in their sexual life.

When the children grow up, it would seem that there is time to remember yourself, your desires and immerse yourself again in the sexual component of marriage, without being distracted by other problems. However, the spouses are faced with such a problem that the quality of their intimate relationships has noticeably decreased, and their emotions have significantly diminished.

What to do in this case? Is it possible to engage in an intimate life with a former passion or come to terms with the extinction of mutual attraction?

Three component concept of love

First you need to understand what passion is. The American psychologist R. Sternberg proposed a three-component concept of love. According to this concept, the main components of any relationship are intimacy, passion and devotion.

• Intimacy is a person's need for intimacy, warmth, trusting relationships, the desire to share their innermost with someone.
• Passion is that raging energy that pushes partners to each other, provokes them to get closer and have sex soon.
• Devotion is the ability of partners to be faithful to each other, to protect their relationship from external circumstances, preventing them from collapsing.

When all three components are equally present in a relationship, this is love close to perfection. Intimate life in this case does not fade with time. Crises of family life do not bypass such relationships, but they are easily overcome, bringing additional experience and further strengthening the marriage. Such ideal love happens in life, however, unfortunately, it is quite rare.

Love

The most common standard of relationships that most couples come to is love-friendship. In this model of relationships, components such as intimacy and devotion are fundamental, while passion fades into the background. This model is quite advantageous, since the extinction of passion is a normal, natural phenomenon. Much more important is trust, respect, devotion and willingness to share joys and sorrows with a partner until the end of their days.

It is in this format of relations that the couple has every chance to live a happy family life. When there is confidence in your feelings and the feelings of your partner, the desire to go through life hand in hand, when your goals and values ​​​​in life coincide - is this not happiness?

Is it possible to engage in intimate life fully and efficiently in the format of love-friendship relationships? Of course, it is possible, but passion in such a relationship can either flare up with renewed vigor or decline at different periods of life, and these fluctuations do not prevent spouses from being happy in marriage.

Whatever models of relationship you are in with your partner, it never hurts to diversify your sexual experience. What are the ways to do this?

• You can discuss the current situation with your other half and add romantic evenings to your family life schedule. They will tune you in a certain way, strengthening mutual attraction and bringing you closer to your partner.
• You can sign up for erotic massage courses. Having mastered several interesting techniques, you can significantly expand the range of emotions you get from having sex, which will undoubtedly affect your intimate life in the best possible way.
• To make your partner look at you with new eyes, awakening dormant emotions, you can radically change your image. Eg. you can lose weight, change your hair style, change your clothing style, etc. All these activities, if they improve your appearance, will help you refresh your senses. However, you should not, for example, cut your hair short if your husband is crazy about your long curls, or lose weight to the point of exhaustion if your partner cannot stand skinny women.

Intimate life during menstruation

Many couples wonder if it is possible to live sexually during menstruation. Since in this article we are talking about passion, it is in a fit of it that partners sometimes have sexual intercourse during menstruation. What do gynecologists say about this? They warn of the possibility of getting an inflammatory process in the female organs as a result of the ingress of pathogenic bacteria, as well as the risk of developing endometriosis. On the other hand, not everyone shares this view. It is impossible to answer this question unambiguously, everything is very individual here.

Thus, intimate life during menstruation is an undesirable phenomenon, but if you succumbed to passion, then do not reproach yourself, most likely nothing terrible will happen.

What should you strive for in a relationship?

Many men are wondering how to diversify their intimate life with their wife. And it is right. You should always strive for the best. Also, women ask themselves how to diversify their intimate life with their husband. When the desire is mutual, it means that everything will work out for you. It is worse when one partner is interested in this issue, while the other is already satisfied with everything. In a relationship, you need to strive for mutual understanding. If you learn to negotiate with each other, to meet your partner halfway, your relationship will be strong and reliable.

How to diversify intimate life? Couples who have gone through this stage in their lives advise the following:

• Visit a sex shop together. There you can find many interesting devices that help diversify intimate relationships. For men who are interested in the question of how to diversify their intimate life with their wife, in a specialized store they will definitely pick up something interesting.
• Role-playing games. Sometimes trying on various sexual images helps to diversify intimate life, for example, schoolgirls or nurses (for which partners have enough imagination).
• Mastering exotic sexual techniques. In the age of the Internet, you can find any information that interests you, the main thing is to set such a goal.

Conclusion

The most important thing in family relationships is trust, respect and care. If partners listen to each other's desires and needs, everything can be overcome, any crises in life together. You should always remember that the family is the most valuable thing, and you should not look for something on the side if some difficulties appear on the horizon. You need to overcome them together, and then family life, including intimate life, will always delight you.