Signs of repressed feelings. What threatens the constant suppression of emotions

How is emotion suppression different from emotion control? I did not consider this issue in my article. But, having received comments from my readers, I decided to devote a separate article to this topic.

In this post I will answer the questions what happens to emotions when we try to contain them? Does everyone really need to experience intense experiences? Is it reasonable to “extinguish” emotions, instead of giving them an outlet?

I am sure that these questions popped up in the minds of many of my readers, subscribers, even if they did not ask them in the end.

The legacy of psychoanalysis

AT mass consciousness the opinion was quite firmly established that a person needs some kind of “emotional lightning rods”, outlet channels for emotions boiling inside, namely, in such things that provoke strong feelings and, thereby, give a discharge to the accumulated emotional energy inside. It follows from this belief that if emotions do not receive the necessary discharge, then they simply “dig in” deep into the structure of the personality, “conserve” there and turn into a time bomb that threatens to explode at any moment, releasing kilotons of suppressed energy and pulling inside exploding everyone around.

This is used to explain why, for example, people watch dramatic films, go to cheer for football teams, beat a punching bag until you are blue in the face. It is believed that in this way they give an outlet to the accumulated emotional stress. If they do not do this, then all the energy will supposedly “leave” in an unsafe direction: people will take it out on loved ones, swear in transport and participate in squabbles at work.

Therefore, the philosophy of controlling emotions, in the thinking of many people, does not come down to working with the sensory world, but to finding the most harmless, least destructive outlet channels for one's energy. This philosophy states that you cannot just get rid of, for example, anger, you just need to direct it in the right direction. This is an expression of a certain "law of conservation of energy" within emotional world. If somewhere has departed, then in another place, it will definitely arrive.

Such a belief, in my opinion, is a consequence of the fashion for psychoanalysis, or rather the abuse of psychoanalysis. I do not want to say that this opinion is completely erroneous, just that this provision has a limited scope, and this should not be forgotten. I believe that the belief in the need for emotional release has won a place in public thinking because such a belief is in line with considerations of psychological comfort. Not because it is true or false.

It is convenient for us to believe that we cannot get away from our emotions and we need to channel them somewhere, otherwise they will be suppressed. From the perspective of such a belief, our tantrums, sudden nervous breakdowns get a reasonable excuse: “well, I’m boiling over”, “you understand, I was so stressed at work, that’s why I yelled at you.” It’s convenient to use such a philosophy to relieve yourself of guilt, don’t you think?

“Well, what to do if this is true, and if you don’t take out your anger in time, then it will be “conserved” inside, not giving you rest? Don’t we need strong feelings, don’t we sometimes need to get angry, swear, suffer in order to fuse the accumulated energy somewhere?” - you ask. If so, then why do people who have reached heights in controlling their minds, for example, those who have been practicing yoga and meditation for a long time, look absolutely calm and unperturbed? Where does their anger go? Maybe their peaceful appearance is just a mask, and when no one sees them, they enthusiastically beat a punching bag, taking out their anger? I do not think so.

The cause of negative emotions is internal stress

So what is the difference between controlling emotions and suppressing emotions?

Let's try to figure this out. Negative emotions can be divided into two types, according to the source of their occurrence.

Emotions caused by internal stress

This applies to those cases of hypertrophied reaction to external stimuli as a result of accumulated stress. These are just the cases when we say "I'm boiling over." It was a hard day, a lot of problems piled on you, you are exhausted, your body is tired. Even the most insignificant situation, to which you usually react calmly, can cause you to become violently irritated right now. This tension needs to be released.

What can be done here?

1) Release this voltage: break loose on someone, beat walls with a fist, etc. Many, as I wrote at the beginning, see this as the only way to get rid of tension. This is not true. Imagine a boiling pot on the stove: the water is bubbling and foaming, trying to spill over the sides of the pot. Of course, you can do nothing and wait until some part of the water spills onto the stove and extinguishes the gas, stopping the boil. But in this case, the pan will remain less water. The main thing is that no one is scalded!

A more “economical” option is to simply turn off the gas as soon as boiling occurs. Then we will save some of the water that would have spilled if we had not done so. With this water we can give a cat a drink, water the flowers or quench our own thirst, that is, use it for good, and not extinguish the gas with it.

The water in the pan is your energy, when you seek to find a way out for the created tension, you spend energy, when you simply calm down and extinguish the tension, you save energy. Your internal energy resources are universal: both negative and positive emotions are fed from the same source. If you spend energy on negative experiences, then you have less of it for everything else, more useful and less destructive. The saved energy can be directed anywhere: for creativity, for development, etc.

It seems to me that "negative" and "positive" energy are just two different states the same thing. negative energy can be converted to positive and vice versa.

Just to give vent to emotions: to fall into hysterics, start screaming, crying - this is not working with feelings. Because in this way you do not come to any useful result. This gives only temporary relief, but does not teach you to control emotions. Unrestrained, angry people are constantly screaming and breaking down. Despite the fact that they always give vent to accumulated feelings, they do not become better and calmer from this.

So a much more efficient option is:

2) Relieve stress: take a relaxing bath, go in for sports, meditate, do breathing practices, etc. I'm sure everyone can remember situations in their life when they were irritated and on the verge of a breakdown, but the calming atmosphere, the presence of close people brought him to a peaceful state. Anger and irritation went away along with tension. Emotions, however, were not suppressed, as their source, tension, was eliminated. By getting rid of it, you can completely get rid of negative emotions.

In other words, we turned off the gas under the saucepan, which was trembling due to the liquid boiling in it. We saved water, i.e. energy.

I know for myself what a strong moral exhaustion one can come to if one gives way to negative emotions: constantly thinking, worrying, worrying, not letting go of my head. But if you pull yourself together in time and calm down, you can save a whole lot of nervous forces.

Therefore, it is good to be able to “turn off the gas”, but even better, keep it always off:

3) Avoid tension. The basis of controlling emotions is to bring your mind, your nervous system in such a state that external circumstances do not provoke tensions inside. I believe that this is the secret of the equanimity of those who practice yoga and meditation. The gas under the pot of these people is always turned off, no circumstances can cause ripples on the surface of the water. They retain a large supply of energy in themselves, not wasting it on meaningless experiences, but use it for their own benefit.

In this state, negative emotions do not arise at all (ideally)! Therefore, here, all the more, there can be no question of any suppression, there is simply nothing to suppress! So when do we suppress emotions? Let's go further, there is another source of emotion.

Emotions as a reaction to external circumstances

These are those negative feelings that are provoked mainly by the external environment, and not by tension. In principle, the difference can be said to be arbitrary, since all negative emotions are just a reaction to something. For us there can be no events in themselves, there is only our perception of these events. We may be annoyed by small children, or they may not be annoyed - it's all about our perception. But the difference between the emotions of the first type and the emotions of the second type is that the first ones arise when we are tense and are mainly connected with our tension, and the second ones can appear when we are calm and relaxed.

These emotions reflect our reaction to some external problem situations. Therefore, it is not as easy to deal with them as with the feelings of the previous type. It is not always possible to simply take and unplug them from the socket (relieve tension), as they require the solution of some external or internal problems. Let's take an example.

It seems to you that your girlfriend (or boyfriend) is constantly flirting with others, casting flirtatious glances at other members of the opposite sex. Are you jealous. What can be done here?

1) Just hit it. You don't want to deal with family issues different reasons. Either you are afraid of admitting some feelings to yourself, or you are so concerned about your work that you do not have time and energy to resolve family issues, or you are simply afraid of unpleasant experiences associated with explaining and unpleasant conversation with your partner. second half. Everything can be. Often you forget about jealousy, try to drive thoughts away, get distracted by work or other things. But this feeling inevitably returns... Why?

Because you drove your emotions deep, did not give them the time and attention that they demanded. This is what is called, suppress emotions. This is just that case. You don’t need to do this, because suppressed emotions will still come back to you like a boomerang. It is much better to solve the problem, to meet it with an open visor.

2) Understand the problem. This is a more reasonable approach. What are the ways out here?

You can talk with your soulmate, raise this topic. Try to understand, either the other half really abuses the attention of the opposite sex, or this is your personal paranoia, that is, some kind of irrational idea that does not reflect what is really happening around. Depending on what conclusion you have come to, you can either take some joint decision or work with your paranoia.

We, in the context of the question of this question, are only interested in the last option: get rid of unconscious jealousy, for which there are no reasons in reality (let's imagine that you received confirmation of this: your girlfriend does not flirt with anyone - it's all in your head). You made sure that there is no reason for your feelings, which is based on some kind of mania, an idea (“she cheats on me with everyone she meets”). You have stopped believing in this idea, and every time thoughts of infidelity enter you, you do not let them go. This is not a suppression of feelings, because you got rid of the absurd idea that was at their basis, you solved some internal problem.

Feelings may continue to arise out of inertia, but their influence on you will be much weaker than before, it will already be easier for you to take control of them. You didn't suppress the emotions because you brought them into the light of day, sorted them out and dissected them. Suppression of emotions is ignoring the problem, fear of solving it. And working with emotions involves an analysis of your feelings and actions aimed at getting rid of their source (external or internal problem).

The same applies to other negative emotions that are caused by absurd ideas like envy and pride (“I should be better, richer and smarter than everyone”, “I should be perfect”). If you get rid of these ideas, then it will become easier for you to deal with these emotions.

Do we need strong feelings?

A person is not able to exist without emotions, this is a fact. It’s just that he won’t be able to make any decisions, any one will disappear from him. desire to have more money, not to endanger life - all this has an emotional nature. My desire to share my experience of self-development with people and to keep this blog also comes from emotions.

But in everything you need to know the measure, if you do not work with emotions, then you can spoil them greatly. For many people, the need for emotional stress exceeds all reasonable limits. They experience a hypertrophied desire to constantly expose themselves to strong experiences: to suffer, fall in love, experience anger (“torture your flesh with a touching knife” - as one song says). If they fail to satisfy their emotional hunger, then life begins to seem gray and boring. Emotions are to them like a drug to an addict.

I am leading to the fact that, probably, a person still needs some kind of emotional work just like in food. But, as is true for both the need for food and the need for feelings, hunger should not turn into gluttony!

If a person gets used to constantly being in search of strong emotions, then the water that flows along the channel (we refer to the old metaphor) gradually erodes the banks, the channel becomes wider and more and more liquid flows along it, at the time of the excitement of the water. The more you get used to strong experiences, the more you begin to need them. There is an "inflation" of the need for emotions.

Still, in our culture, the role of strong feelings is overestimated. Many people think that it is simply necessary for everyone to constantly bring down intense experiences on themselves: “you must, you must feel it,” many say. I do not think that our whole life is reduced only to strong feelings and this is what is worth living for. Feelings are temporary, it's just some kind of chemistry in the brain, they pass without leaving anything behind, and if you constantly expect strong shocks from life, then over time you become their slave and subordinate your entire existence to them!

I do not encourage my readers to turn into insensitive robots. You just need to know the measure in emotions and limit them. Negative influence for your life.

Is it possible to get rid of only negative emotions?

I don’t think at all that for normal activity it is simply necessary for a person to sometimes experience negative emotions. Moreover, I do not agree with the opinion that it is impossible if a person gets rid of negative emotions, then he will also not be able to experience positive feelings. This, too, is one of the objections I have come across more than once. They say that emotions are a pendulum, and if a decrease in its deviation in one direction will inevitably lead to the fact that the deviation will decrease in the other direction. Therefore, if we suffer less, then we will also have to rejoice - less.

I don't quite agree. I used to be very emotional person and the amplitude of my sensual fluctuations ranged from deep despondency to some kind of nervous enthusiasm! After several years, the condition has stabilized. I began to experience much less negative emotions. But I would not say that I became less happy, on the contrary. My mood is upbeat at almost every moment. Of course, I no longer experience almost manic bouts of enthusiasm, but my emotional background is always filled with some kind of feeling of quiet joy, meek happiness.

In general, I cannot deny that the swing amplitude of the pendulum has decreased: my mood is much less likely to experience “peak” states, but, nevertheless, my state can be characterized as consistently positive. My pendulum still takes much more in a positive direction!

Instead of piling up a bunch of theory, metaphors and parables here, I decided to describe my experience. I must say that I would not trade a second of this quiet joy that fills me now for a whole burst of blissful inspiration that I could have experienced a few years ago!