We limit communication with "superfluous" people. How to teach a child to talk on the street with strangers

Throughout life we ​​intersect with huge amount of people. But we can constantly maintain fairly close relations only with a very narrow circle.

What to do if the quality of the environment is not satisfactory? As a minimalist, I can give a simple answer: remove unnecessary people from your communication and give yourself to those who are important.

Approximate number of permanent social connections each of us lies in the range from one hundred to two hundred people. The average is one hundred and fifty. This is the so-called Dunbar Number. It is with so many people that we can interact qualitatively in any length of time. This number includes relatives, colleagues, clients, friends, acquaintances. And places - only for one hundred and fifty people!

As you can see, our resources for communication are limited. The time we can devote to other people is limited. Mental resources are also limited. That is why it is so important to get rid of unnecessary people. To free up time and space for those who matter.

I prefer to invest my time, emotions and feelings in pleasant, interesting and suitable people for me. There is no objective reason to continue communicating with a person with whom you feel uncomfortable.

There are seven billion people on Earth. All people are as different as you can imagine. And they don't all fit. This is fine. But why waste energy on a person who is not suitable for you, if there are many of your people? Why put up with a relationship you don't like?

Communication is the interaction of two people. You can also communicate in large groups, but at every moment - it's always two. Normal, adequate communication - when both participants win as a result. This is a mutual exchange, as a result of which mutual enrichment occurs. Otherwise, this is not a relationship, but sadomasochism. However, this is also enough, but I will not talk about it now.

If I feel that I have been used and I have received nothing in return, I feel bad. There can be any benefit - here everyone is looking for himself what he needs or wants to get. But "in the black" should remain both participants.

I shared ice cream with you. You are refreshed on a hot day. You are pleased and I am pleased that I made you pleased. We both win!

Interesting thoughts, a boost of energy and motivation, good mood These are also the results of communication. When I talk about benefits, I mean material benefit, which you can touch and carry in your pocket, and moral - energetic, emotional and sensual.

Our environment affects us whether we like it or not. Somewhere we pick up someone else's thought, somewhere - an attitude towards something or someone, an emotion or a mood. All this together affects our life as a whole. At first glance it is imperceptible.

A lot of people say that our earnings are roughly equal to the average of the earnings of the five people with whom we interact the most. I think this is very close to the truth.

Relationships, communication - this is our free choice. Only we decide whether to continue them or not. It is in our power and opportunity to select such people for ourselves, to build such a circle of contacts that will be a joy, that will lift up, promote development and happy life. Attract people with whom we will communicate with joy and pleasure.

We are no longer in kindergarten where we were taken against our will. And not at school, where the team was also not chosen by us. We are adults. If you don't like the environment, change it!

Choice is denial. When we choose one, we give up everything else. When we communicate with a "not our" person, we refuse to communicate with a like-minded person. For me, the choice is obvious - there is no point in wasting time on someone who is not close to you.

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If the relationship doesn't suit you, end it. If communication does not give pleasure - stop it. If a person pulls you back - forget about him. If after talking with someone you feel devastated and squeezed out, stop talking and seeing such a person.

There are those who intentionally or accidentally shake emotions and bring to the negative. There are those who notice all the worst, all the dirt and shortcomings. There are those who rise and assert themselves at your expense, lowering you lower. There are those who whine and use you as a drain pipe for their problems and accumulated negativity. There are those who constantly talk about their plans, about revolutionary ideas, but have not taken a single step in their direction. There are those who either do not accept your successes or try to downplay them. Get rid of such people in your environment!

When I talk about the need to get rid of, I do not at all urge you to go and tell the person everything that you think about him. Sometimes this is the only option. But, as a rule, softer ones are also enough.

First of all - to reduce contacts with unnecessary people. Keep them to a minimum. Reduce even the likelihood of meeting: do not go to those places where there is a chance of crossing. Don't accept offers to meet. And, of course, do not initiate contacts.

This is especially true of the past. Let it remain where it is supposed to be - among all the departed. Oh, those people from the past! Even if you used to communicate with a person, and you felt good with him, over time the paths diverge. The more time passes, the more differences accumulate in you. Especially when there is no common ground in the present: no deeds, no interests.

Communication based only on the past is flawed, meaningless, dead end. And in such cases, you communicate not with a person, and he does not speak with you - you interact with each other's mental models from the past. Each of you has changed, but your interlocutor does not see this and continues to communicate with you-the past.

In addition to such strange communication, there is another problem here - expectations. From you, in accordance with the mental model of you-past, something is expected. You expect something from the interlocutor, more precisely - from his model in your head. As a result, it often turns out that long-forgotten behavioral patterns are turned on in you. You start behaving the way you are expected to. Feeling discomfort, but not always understanding what caused it.

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There is one more interesting point associated with communication: acceptance of you. Some people around us may not accept us for who we are. They may judge and criticize our habits, our way of life or thinking, our behavior or hobbies. Why communicate with those who do not accept you for who you are?

Unfortunately, especially many of these people who do not accept us may be among relatives. Here we get a very strange situation: they have some expectations about us. And the interaction is based on the principles: we love and accept you if you meet our expectations and ideas. Really, it's weird? Such people may even resent you when you are yourself. Madness!

Relatives, especially the closest ones, are not so easy to delete from communication. If contacts with them do not give pleasure, you should at least reduce their regularity and depth. When communicating, you should not touch on controversial topics, but it is better to limit yourself to everyday conversations - about food, nature and weather. Relatives cannot be changed. But it's worth it just to accept them. But this does not mean that you need to agree with them and meet their expectations.

Communicating with “my” people, at first I was surprised: no matter what crazy idea I spoke, no matter what desires and dreams I said out loud, they accepted me! Without evaluation, criticism, condemnation. I could say that today I would go everywhere without shoes, and this was perceived as normal. As if I just said that I would drink tea now.

With the importance of a conscious approach to your communication, I hope you figured it out. Where to start?

First of all, assess your social circle. You can even take a few sheets of paper and write down everyone with whom you interact in one way or another with varying regularity - from daily meetings to congratulations once a year. After that, slowly go through this list. Remember your feelings from communicating with each person. You feel good? We put a plus. Discomfort is a minus. Then we divide this list into two: “people-pluses” and “people-minuses”. We continue to communicate with the first and strengthen relations. We say goodbye to the second in all possible ways.

It happens that after completing this exercise, you suddenly realize that the list of people with a plus sign is almost empty. It's sad, but it's common. Realizing this, too many people are hesitant to end unsatisfactory relationships and stop uncomfortable communication. This is motivated by the fact that they cannot be left completely alone?! It's weird and scary to be alone.

You can really be alone for a while. But then your people will be attracted to the formed space, like-minded people - those with whom along the way. It may not happen soon, but it certainly happens.

In general, I recommend regularly, at least once every two or three years, to review your environment. If someone in it pulls you down or prevents you from not only taking off, but even just going forward, you should take action. Otherwise, this social swamp will drag on even deeper.

Are dialects of mutual respect established in modern society. Everyone should have information about the basic rules of etiquette and follow them: regardless of gender, age and position in society.

Lessons in etiquette when communicating between men and women

• On the street, men are supposed to follow the left of their companions. Only the military can go to the right of the women in order to be able to salute if necessary.
• The first to enter the restaurant should be a male representative, so he informs the head waiter that he will pay himself. However, if there is a porter at the entrance, the man needs to let his companion go ahead, and then look for a table where you can sit.
• A male representative should be the first to follow his seat facing the people sitting at a concert, performance or movie.
• If a lady greets someone on the street, then her gentleman must also do this, even if this person is unfamiliar to him.
• A man should not touch a member of the weaker sex without her approval. You can deviate from this rule of etiquette when communicating at those moments when a man helps his companion to cross the road, get out or enter the vehicle.
• Smoking with a woman to a male representative is possible only with her permission.

Rules of speech etiquette

• If you have been insulted in public, do not succumb to the offender's provocations. Leave the scene with a smile on your face.
• The first to greet the person entering the room, regardless of their position.
• The etiquette of communication with people says that certain things should be kept secret. These include: prayer, information about material well-being, love affairs, committed dishonorable and noble deeds and other moments.
• If your apology was accepted, don't ask for forgiveness again, just don't repeat your mistakes.
• It is necessary to say thanks to those people who showed generosity towards you or came to the rescue in difficult times. They were under no obligation to do these noble deeds.

Business communication etiquette

• It is necessary to observe the rules of official discipline.
• We must not forget about punctuality.
• Express your thoughts in short form without using extra words.
• The interlocutor should be listened to very carefully.
• You should take into account not only your own interests, you need to carefully listen to the opinions of colleagues at work.
• In clothing, you should adhere to the style adopted in the institution. Female representatives should forget about too bright makeup and inappropriate jewelry.
• Do not forget about and letters.

social media etiquette

Social networks are able to open a window into the personal lives of people registered there. The etiquette of communication with people does not recommend opening it too wide, even close people should not see intimate photos or keep up to date with family events.

• It is not necessary to focus on the statements of some commentators in in social networks, respond to inappropriate sayings.
• It is not advised to look for sympathy on your page on social networks, because people who read it have enough negative events.
• It is not recommended to abuse abbreviations or sayings filled with rhetoric: strangers may not decipher them and distort the meaning.
• The etiquette of communication with people refers to the manifestations of bad taste the offer of friendship in social networks to strangers.

Telephone communication

On the phone they say that the conversation should be conducted politely, regardless of whether with acquaintances or strangers communication takes place. This rule contributes to the formation and strengthening of a positive impression.

Politeness is also an important part of business telephone conversations. following certain rules etiquette can help strengthen the image of the company and the employee directly negotiating on the phone.

Etiquette lessons say that, having dialed the right number, you should not for a long time expect a response. The most optimal waiting period is one that includes five or six phone rings. If there is no answer during this time, then the called subscriber is in this moment cannot answer a phone call.

The rules of etiquette when communicating say that you need to answer the call from the second or third beep. A prompt response will be able to emphasize your professional qualities and will save the interlocutor's time.

Telephone rules

• Business and personal phone calls should be separated. Formal conversations should be conducted from working devices, informal conversations from personal ones.
• It is not recommended to call before nine in the morning and after ten in the evening.
• If the call is addressed to a stranger, you must by all means explain where you got his phone number from.
• Phone calls should not be time consuming.
• The person who answers the call may not be identified even if the call is from a work phone.
• The person who calls is the first to give their name.
• You should find out from the called subscriber whether it is convenient for him to conduct a conversation at the moment.
• News telephone conversation You need a friendly tone, clearly expressing your thoughts.
• You can end a conversation on the phone only after making sure that the interlocutor has said everything necessary.

The etiquette of communication with people is constantly present in our lives. People who know its rules do not experience difficulties in communication and feel free in any society.

Perhaps each of us considers himself an absolutely self-sufficient person, not subject to any outside influences. But this is far from true. We are all to some extent dependent on our immediate environment, which has an inevitable influence on the formation of our goals, plans and intentions.

The impact on us of the people around us seems to be a kind of given, which should always be taken into account. We cannot be absolutely independent of others, ignoring their desires and assessments.

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of telling the truth.
Lillian Hellman

Asking questions

That is why each person should ask a number of important questions: “Who do I spend most of their time?”, “How do these people behave towards me?”, “Are they really helping me, or are they just throwing promises?”, “What benefit can I take out of communicating with people around me?” etc.

Analyze it...

After answering these questions, analyze the time that you spend on each specific acquaintance. Is it constructive and useful enough for you? Perhaps you will come to the opposite conclusion.

• Think about how each person in your life affects you.
• What did he recommend you learn and read?
• What places did you recommend visiting?
• How has it affected your own thoughts and moods?
• What made you think about?

After conducting such a mini-analysis, much will become clear to you. You will be able to determine who is your helper and who, on the contrary, does not play any positive role in your life. Having found among your friends/acquaintances those people who can hinder or are already hindering your personal growth get rid of them. To do this, you should not resort to any drastic measures - just change your environment. This is also worth doing because a new (favorable) circle of friends will definitely add inspiration to you, which will push you to new exploits and achievements. You will be surprised how your life will change!

Some acquaintances have a detrimental effect on our self-esteem and life position, undermine faith in our own strength, thereby significantly hindering the development as a person. Refuse any communication with such persons. Do not be afraid to draw a certain boundary between yourself and such people, minimizing or completely nullifying any contacts that are unfavorable to you.

Remember: it is better to have dinner alone than to take part in a conversation that is unpleasant for you and that you maintain purely out of politeness. It is better to refuse a meeting with someone who will only waste your time. It is better to move the conversation to another topic if it strains you and leaves a negative aftertaste. Say a resounding "no!" those people and things you don't want to have anything to do with. Of course, this can make you come across as harsh and perhaps a little cynical, however, it is much more important to be firm now than to regret the wasted time later.

close people

It happens that our relatives (parents, relatives) also make up the wrong environment, from whom we cannot get rid of and delete them from our lives. What to do in this case? Accept them for who they are. In every person you can find a positive side, some qualities that will surely arouse your admiration and in a certain way, as it were, smooth out the negative overall impression of such a person. Remember: people can change, and perhaps if you believe in the people you love and support them, they will actually become better.

What to do?

Start making acquaintances with those people who pursue goals similar to yours and have a similar life position. Take an example from those who have achieved something in life - let them serve as an additional source of inspiration for you! An updated social circle will help you overcome your usual limited thinking, outdated patterns of behavior, thereby transferring your life to a new, better level.

Notice the right people- these are not necessarily super-successful, rich and high-ranking individuals. These are, first of all, people with developed inner world which can enrich our life with something, bringing fresh thoughts and ideas into it.

Mikhail Rulev, an expert on the “I am a parent” portal, child safety specialist, gives practical tips on how to develop children's skills of safe communication with strangers.

By interacting with children and asking them leading questions, adults can learn which situations they consider potentially dangerous when interacting with strangers and which are not. Let's suppose that a conversation with a woman may seem safe to your child if it takes place at school or kindergarten. The child considers her a teacher or educator, since all employees educational institution he does not know, and the "teacher" has the appropriate appearance.

Rules for safe behavior with strangers for children

Give parents the following tips for shaping their children safe behavior when talking to strangers:

1. Try to convey to your child the idea that he is not obliged to help strangers, even if the situation or social morality requires it. Your child can help a stranger by telling their parents or someone they know about their problem, or by encouraging them to seek adult help.
2. When teaching children the rules of behavior with strangers, it is advisable for parents to fix the child’s attention not on what he should not say to strangers (for example, details of family life), but on what he should say in order to avoid trouble and dangerous situations.
3. Work out with your child his actions when meeting with a stranger in different situations. Remember, these actions should be aimed at cutting off any communication with strangers. To do this, the child should, without entering into an unwanted dialogue, leave the place of conversation as soon as possible. After he is safe, it is advisable for him to tell his parents or familiar adults about the incident. Otherwise, it may be at risk.

When meeting a suspicious stranger on the street, the algorithm of the child's actions may be as follows:

First step: assess the situation

Children should understand that every stranger standing in front of them is a potentially dangerous person. It does not matter who it is - a girl, a boy, a grandfather or an elderly woman - if the child does not know him (or his parents do not know him), then in front of him stranger and, therefore, should be treated accordingly. Read on child safety, in which the expert of the portal "I am a parent" explains to parents who their child can be considered "ours" and who - "strangers".

Step two: move to a safe distance

Teach your child to keep a safe distance from strangers. To do this, measure a distance of two meters on the floor at home and invite the child to remember it. If a suspicious subject moves closer, you need to quickly leave, or run away from him in a safe direction.

Third step: stop communication

Among the attackers there are many excellent psychologists who can easily "chatter" an adult, not to mention a child. In this case, children can stop the conversation with a dubious interlocutor with the words “Sorry, I need to ask my parents for permission”, “Sorry, I can’t help you with this, ask adults” and so on. While the stranger is trying to analyze the situation and make a decision (psychologists believe that it takes a person two to five seconds), the child has time to leave. dangerous place Or call an adult for help.

Fourth step: go to a safe place

Without letting the stranger finish speaking, the child may approach the familiar parents of other children who are in the yard, or go home, keeping the stranger in sight. And once in complete safety, contact the parents and inform them of the incident, verbatim retelling the conversation with a stranger.

You can learn how to instill in your child the skills of safe behavior outside the home by watching a video lesson with the participation of a child psychologist on the I am a Parent portal.

The Child and the Stranger: Options for Interrupting the Conversation

Consider possible options communication with a stranger on specific examples.

1. While playing in the yard, a peer comes up to the child and says: “A new sports town has been built not far from here. Let's go see." Answer: “First I need to ask permission from my parents.” The stranger continues: “I thought that you were already big enough (big), but it turns out that your mother does not allow you. Are you weak?" Answer: "I'm not weak. I will go up home and warn my parents that I will go to the sports town. After that, the child quickly retreats to a safe distance and goes home, checking to see if a stranger is following him. After his story, parents should go down to the yard and check the information received from him.
2. A car stops next to the child on the street, and an unfamiliar female driver, smiling, asks: “Please get in the car and show me the way to Iulskaya Street, otherwise I’m very late.” Answer: "Sorry, I can't help you." Your child quickly backs away from the car to a safe distance and then moves away in the opposite direction of the car's direction of travel, checking to see if the woman is following. And once in a safe place (at home or in the yard), he tells his parents, teachers or other adults he knows about this incident.
3. During a walk in the yard, a grandmother comes up to the child and asks: “Please help me to raise food to my apartment in a neighboring house on the third floor.” Correct Answer: “Sorry, I can’t help you. Ask an adult for help." Once safe, the child, as in other cases, promptly contacts the parents and tells them about the incident, verbatim retelling the conversation with the stranger.

Mikhail Rulev,
candidate of pedagogical sciences,
child safety specialist
author of the course "Personal safety of the child" for children 7-11 years old

We bring to your attention an article, the author of which Saule Utegalieva. It will be very useful for parents of young children to read it. After all, everyone really wants their children to grow up in safety and be healthy. Saule Utegalieva examines a number of situations that constantly arise in life and our behavior. The results of this behavior may cause a child to have misconceptions about safety. It offers more correct options for solving situations on which the safety of your baby will subsequently depend.

One of the key fears of parents is how their children will communicate with strangers. Meanwhile, they do not notice that they themselves initially lay the foundations of behavior incorrectly. How can you teach your child how to properly communicate with strangers?

The child sees how the mother speaks affably with strangers, calmly treats the fact that they stroke her head or even take her in her arms, treat her with something, and the animator from the new playground can take her by the hand and take her to play. The kid reads the behavior and for him this is already the norm.

At such moments, mother is usually calm, because she is there, she controls the situation. If something threatens the safety of the child, then she will immediately intervene. In the meantime, everything is calm and strangers show goodwill, mom acts as a silent observer. In order for a child to grow up polite, it encourages him to say “thank you” for a treat, “bye-bye” to a good friend, to answer a cute grandmother to the question “how old are you?”.

A friendly greeting and a smile, but nothing else without the prior permission of the guardian, is the proper behavior of a stranger towards a child. How can this be achieved?

Consider basic situations in which parents can confuse the child:

Situation 1. “Hi! What is your name?"

When we are asked for directions, out of a sense of politeness or a desire to help, we stop and begin to explain in detail. If someone on the bus asks where the stop is, we sympathetically answer. But at the same time, we do not tell where we live, how much my husband earns, and so on. Children do not yet have such a barrier. The child sees that the parents are calmly talking with strangers, and may assume that this is quite normal.

In addition, children are the most attractive characters to meet. Willy-nilly, even the most benevolent person gets the following conversation: “What is your name? How old are you? Do you go to kindergarten? Do you have friends there?"

Potential Hazard: the child will be sure that any stranger who approaches him can be trusted. You can tell him any details about yourself and answer his questions.

Tactics for parents

Communication is worth encouraging, because sociability is an important social skill. But you should not be a silent observer: demonstrate your interest, participation in the dating process. Comment: “Let’s get to know this aunt/grandmother/person together.” If you are against the conversation, you do not need to be silent either. Stop the situation by politely saying, "Thank you, we can't communicate with you right now."

By the age of three, explain to your child that he can safely meet and talk with anyone he wants, but first you need to ask your permission. It is also necessary to indicate what he can talk about himself and what not. Tell him phrases for such cases: “I can’t say”, “It’s a secret.”

- What is your name?

— Tanya.

- How old are you?

- Five.

— Where are you going?

- It's a secret.

Situation 2. Treats and gifts

Parents went with the child to a store near the house and the seller, weighing the bananas, hands the baby a lollipop: “Here, this is for you!”. In the trolley bus, a kind old woman, telling the kid that you need to obey your parents, takes a candy out of your pocket and puts it in his patty.

All these gifts pass directly from the donor to the child, the opinion of the parents is not asked.

Potential Hazard: the child will assume that you can safely accept any gift from strangers. You understand what it is fraught with.

Tactics for parents

If you see that the treat is already reaching out, accept it yourself. If the child has already taken, comment that you allow it. As soon as you are alone, immediately say the rule: "Always ask me for permission before accepting treats and gifts."

Repeat this rule before leaving the house until the child himself begins to fulfill it. Specify the circle of close people from whom the child can always accept gifts.

A completely different situation is when a gift is given by people unknown to the child who came to your home. Tell us about them in advance and, if possible, comment on the presentation of the gift:

- Aunt Anya from my work gives you a doll.

- Uncle Seryozha came to us from afar. Look what plane he brought you.

Situation 3. "Go to the handles"

On a walk, my mother met a colleague and happily began to ask about the news in the team. The story about who went on promotion, who quit, is interspersed with phrases: “ Ah, what a girl... Ah, what eyes... Go to the arms... Let me squeeze you". Mom is proud and happy with her child.

It happens that a complete stranger can begin to touch a child. In transport, in line, in a park on a bench: they stroke, squeeze, take by the hand, straighten a dress or a hood.

Potential Hazard: for a child, both good acquaintances of the parents and strangers are equally strangers. He sees how dad pats an unknown man on the shoulder, mom hugs an unfamiliar aunt, they smile, laugh. And he makes a logical conclusion for himself: even someone I don’t know can touch me, stroke, pick me up, pull on my cheek and kiss.

Tactics for parents

Politely protect strangers from touching: gently move your outstretched hands to the side, you can step back a little with the words: “Please don’t touch the child”, “Please don’t do this.”

Potential Hazard: the child has an attitude: strangers can take me by the hand and take me away. Keep in mind also that the natural curiosity of children usually takes precedence over caution.

Tactics for parents

Meet the animator with your child. Let him repeat the name of the person who will look after him several times. Tell me when you'll be back for him. Show him where he can go for help if he needs it. If you plan to be around, explain that it is enough for him to call you loudly. The baby must see that he is leaving with your permission, and know how to find you.

Katya will help you play this site, and now she will show what is interesting here.

I'll be back in 30 minutes, you'll just have time to do the craft.

I will sit at that table.

- If you need my help, call me loudly and I will come.

Introduce a rule of allowed territory: in each new place, always first indicate to the child the allowed territory in which he can move freely. If he wants to go beyond it himself or leave with someone, then he can do this after asking your permission.

Using these rules, your child will grow up open and sociable. At the same time, he will clearly understand the boundaries of acceptable behavior towards him from strangers.