Why do so many of us behave cruelly towards loved ones? Important rules in relationships with loved ones.

Be polite

Be tactful

Golden age

POLITENESS.

The Russian aristocrat of the 19th century is a very special type of personality. The whole style of his life, demeanor, even appearance - bore the imprint of a certain cultural tradition.

The so-called “normative education” was applied to noble children, that is, education aimed not so much at revealing the individuality of the child, but rather at polishing his personality according to a certain model.

It must be borne in mind that "noble education" is not a pedagogical system, not a special technique, not even a set of rules. This is, first of all, a way of life, a style of behavior, assimilated partly consciously, partly unconsciously, through habit and imitation. This is a tradition that is not discussed, but observed.

"We can't predict

How our word will respond,

And sympathy is given to us,

How grace is given to us.

Tact is the very sympathy - understanding the soul of another person and the ability to act "in time" with him. It is believed that tact is an innate quality, but it can be developed and nurtured in oneself. If you are attentive to people, it will not be difficult for you to guess what can please them and what can upset them, but if you learn to put yourself in the place of another person, then it will be easy for you to understand what he feels, and then you will never offend anyone by chance.

When showing sympathy, do not overstep the bounds, because tactlessness is precisely the violation of certain limits within the relationship. (The limits of what is permitted, the limits of patience - they really exist, although they cannot be described, they are so different.) Any manifestation of increased attention to to a stranger can be regarded as tactlessness, but, in some cases, insufficient attention to the same person can also be considered a manifestation of tactlessness. It makes no sense to list what tact is manifested in, and what behavior can be called tactless, because the notorious “line of good and evil” passes through the heart of every person.

Politeness is expressed in different forms, it can be a sign of special respect or a custom for any normal person desire to please others. Do not limit yourself to only formal courtesy, if cordiality and attention to people become your inner need, the same as the willingness to smile kindly at anyone you meet, you will feel that life is smiling back at you.

It is difficult to constantly behave impeccably, especially when problems are pressing from all sides, relationships with friends are not going well, or jealousy is tormenting, but while maintaining a polite attitude towards strangers, do not break loose at home on your relatives. They are not to blame for your "troubles", on the contrary, they would be happy to help (although this is hardly possible). Of course, everyone has moments when the heart is full and emotions take over, but try to take care of those who are nearby, because at other times only with them you can fully open up, relax and open your own soul without fear. A loving loved one will always understand and forgive everything if, in a fit of feelings, you shout at him, because he loves you and is sure of your love. He is, as it were, protected by this love from resentment, but it will still be hard and painful for him. If your family relationships cannot be called close and frank, still show delicacy towards relatives and remember to restrain negative emotions. Be that as it may, relationships change throughout life, and the family is a single organism.

Always remember that your parents are the closest and most loving people to you. Whatever happens in your life, parents will understand, forgive, help. We are forever connected with our loved ones invisible threads, and when one of them leaves forever, belated repentance comes for all the rude words spoken once in the heat of the moment, but nothing can be changed. Take care of your loved ones while they are alive. Do not spare for them what costs you nothing - politeness and kindness.

All people sometimes show cruelty. With some this happens rarely, with others often, but nevertheless, each of us can commit a cruel act. And most often it turns out that we splash out our negativity on those closest to us, on those whom we really love and who value us greatly. Why is this happening? What makes a person “break away” on one of his relatives, despite the fact that with strangers he restrains his outbursts of anger? Why can we offend those closest to us and not control our behavior towards them?

5 193487

Photo gallery: Why are we sometimes cruel to those closest to us?

They won't leave us anyway.

When a person communicates with someone who is dear to him, but he cannot be called very close and dear, he restrains himself, because he knows that the interlocutor may not like his behavior, he will be offended and, possibly, will leave forever. It is this fear that makes us control our emotions. When we communicate with relatives, we are always sure that they will not go anywhere. Even if you strongly quarrel with them, insult them, they still love so much that they will forgive. Every person sometimes needs to splash out their negativity. But he cannot do this, for example, in the direction of the boss, because this threatens with dismissal from work. Also, people are unlikely to allow such behavior towards colleagues or just acquaintances, since they can quickly turn away from them, not wanting to endure insults against them. Therefore, a person tries to restrain himself, but when he finds himself in a circle of relatives and friends with a bad mood, then one thing can bring him out. single word and then he will arrange a scandal from scratch just to make his soul feel better. Of course, we all understand that such behavior is wrong, but the subconscious mind needs to get rid of the negative from time to time, so as not to simply go crazy from the accumulated emotions. That's why we go with this negativity to those who are dearest to us and, importantly, who values ​​us as well. Yes, it sounds paradoxical, but that's exactly what it is. A person needs to be sure that because of his negativity, relations with those on whom he splashes it out will not be upset. That is why people choose relatives and friends. Remember for yourself how often you could afford to quarrel with your mother because of stupidity, even knowing in the depths of your soul that it was you who were wrong, not her. This behavior is easily explained by the fact that the scandal with mommy knew that, in the end, she would forgive you anyway and would not go anywhere, because she loves more than anything in the world. The same attitude is often shown towards brothers, sisters, closest friends, in short, towards those in whose feelings we are sure.

Unfortunately, for some people, such outbursts of negative emotions towards those who cherish them can happen too often. In fact, he breaks away on loved ones for any reason, believing that they will always get away with it. But if a person becomes too cruel, then sooner or later the one who tolerates his attacks simply cannot stand it. The more we love, the more we are disappointed. Therefore, it often happens that people for a long time suffering from cruel attacks from a loved one, in the end, they simply leave him forever. This happens in families where a husband mocks his wife and beats her, or where parents take out their disappointment in life on their children. Until a certain time, the victims of cruelty endure and appeal to the voice of reason and love, but then at one moment they simply disappear from the life of a cruel person forever. Therefore, when showing cruelty to relatives, you still need to remember that if you go too far, then they simply can disappear from your life and no one will return them.

People get bored

When we are constantly near certain people, they sometimes simply begin to annoy us. Most often this happens with the most relatives, those whom we see every day. On the one hand, we seem to sincerely love them, but on the other hand, there is something in their behavior that we don’t like. From year to year we observe this, and then we simply begin to get annoyed because of the little things. A person may want the best for us, but we will be angry at his advice, because he speaks in the wrong tone. Or we may be annoyed even by him elementary behavior at the table. On the one hand, we get so used to a person that we can’t imagine how it would be possible to live if he didn’t exist, but on the other hand, we are almost ready to kill for some things that he constantly does and does not want to do as we wish. This is what causes anger and irritability. We begin to behave cruelly towards loved ones. Sometimes they annoy us so much that we generally move away from them, believing that it is simply unbearable to be around. By the way, it is precisely such a temporary separation that allows you to pacify your fits of anger and reconsider your attitude towards the closest people. When a loved one is not nearby, we rethink what we did and begin to understand how wrong we were in our cruelty. Sometimes we get so used to people that we stop appreciating them, and only after parting and living separately for some time, we suddenly realize how dear a person is to us and how wrong we were.

Most often, people are cruel with relatives who are older or younger in age. This comes from differences in worldview and perception of the situation. Conflicts often arise between people because they misunderstand each other. As a result, a person begins to behave cruelly towards loved ones in order to prove his point of view. In fact, such cruelty is manifested in every family. They argue with their parents, grandparents, especially in adolescence. They are tired of their prohibitions and views on life, and indeed their presence, so teenagers try to inject their relatives as painfully as possible. This is a kind of revenge for misunderstanding, for the fact that parents have a certain power. The teenager believes that mom or dad is offending him, so he tries to repay with that token. That is why he behaves cruelly towards his relatives.

Striving for independence

Another reason for the manifestation of cruelty to relatives is the desire to be independent. It may seem to a person that relatives tell him how to live, prevent him from making his own choice, and so on. That is why people begin to throw various filth towards their loved ones, pour out their negativity, insult and even humiliate. They want their families to leave them alone. Most often, this behavior occurs in relation to parents. But a person can also become cruel towards brothers, sisters and close friends who see that he is doing something wrong and want to guide him on the right path. In turn, the one for whom they are trying is sure of their rightness or simply does not want to accept wincing. Therefore, he becomes annoyed, trying to defend himself against their decrees and advice, therefore he simply begins to fight with his relatives, showing himself as Cruel person. Over time, many people will admit that they did wrong at such moments, because those close to them really wished them well. But then it seemed to them that only in this way can they achieve independence and prove that they are worth something in this life.

Almost every person sometimes shows cruelty. In most cases, we vent negative emotions on those to whom we are very dear. What explains this?

If we communicate with a person who is not particularly close to us, but who is very dear to us, we try to control your emotions. After all, we understand that at any moment he can leave us forever. This fear forces us to hold back.

But if we are in contact with family members or relatives, then we have no doubt that they will be with us until the end of their days. Even if you throw out all your negativity on them, they will still sooner or later forget about it. "Where are they going?"

Sometimes a person just needs to let go of all their negative emotions. However, if, say, he does this in the direction of the employer, then this may entail the deprivation of his job.

As a rule, a person controls himself when communicating with employees, neighbors and friends. However, if he, being in a bad mood, finds himself among relatives, then he completely out of control with your emotions.

A person can lose his temper even after an inadvertently dropped word by someone. Having let go of emotions, he feels relief in his soul. Naturally he conscious that goes wrong. However, at the subconscious level, he understands that if he does not periodically get rid of negative emotions, then sooner or later he will go crazy.

For this reason, we are often cruel with those we love and who loves us. Naturally, this seems paradoxical. However, we feel need to be sure that we will not be abandoned.

In this regard, we vent the negativity on those closest to us. After all, they value us. Many of us clash from time to time. with mom. And it doesn't matter who is right.

Tactless behavior towards a parent is due to the fact that we know that mom will love us until the end of her days. Approximately the same way we behave in relation to relatives and close friends.

It will still go!

It is worth noting that many people too often allow themselves to be rude when communicating with loved ones. They break down even for nonsense. However, if you show cruelty all the time, then your loved one one day may simply not withstand your faux pas and disappear from your life.

As an example, we can cite a situation where parents constantly tear off their offspring Bad mood. When children grow up, they usually leave their father and mother forever.

It also happens that a man, splashing out all his negativity on his soulmate, in the end, loses his beloved woman. The victim can tolerate bullying only for a certain period of time.

How tired I am of everything!

We often hear from some people that they get bored their loved ones who are always there. Naturally, we are sincerely attached to them. However, we are constantly unnerved by their habits.

Of course, for a while we all tolerate. After all, our loved ones want us to be all right. However, when we finally get tired of advice loved one we start him be rude.

Sometimes we get nervous about the way he behaves at the table. Of course, we love him so much that it seems to us that we cannot live without him. However, when he, for example, begins to blow his nose at the table, we immediately begin to get angry and grumble at him.

Situations are known when close people unnerve us to such an extent that we leave them for a rented apartment. Such a step, as a rule, gives us the opportunity to analyze our attitude towards those we love.

Sometimes a person behaves unfairly and cruelly to relatives belonging to another generation. After all, people with a difference in age have completely different views on life and all kinds of situations.

Almost every one of us from time to time conflicts with grandparents, father and mother. Quarrels were especially common at a transitional age.

We were nervous that the elders constantly put forward prohibitions in front of us. We, in turn, tried to prick them more painfully.

I want to be independent!

What other reason can a person be cruel to those he loves? Because of the desire to be independent. He believes that his loved ones constantly impose their point of view on him. And he does not want to live according to their orders.

Therefore, the person begins to tell them different barbs. If loved ones continue impose him his advice, he often begins them insult.

Naturally, after some time, a person realizes that the people around him gave him advice only from the best feelings. However, then it seemed to him that only insults would help him achieve independence.

Our expert is a family psychologist, art therapist, business coach Olga Zavodilina.

Manifestations of cruelty can be different, at first glance, even quite insignificant, for example, native person didn’t listen to what was important for you to tell, didn’t praise for a deliciously cooked dinner, didn’t do what you asked him to do, forgot things that were important to you. However, it is from such seemingly trifles that big problems in relationships are formed.

What is the reason?

As a rule, the origins of violent behavior lie in childhood. There are various reasons for this, but some need special attention, since it is with them that relationship problems begin.

Self dislike. If a person does not love himself, he cannot love another person. Most people are taught from childhood that self-love is bad. "I" - last letter in the alphabet!”, “You need to do everything for others, and your interests come last.” As soon as a child tries to do something for himself, he is scolded, called greedy, bad. And then, to prove that he is good, the child begins to give his toys to others. And further, in adult life, continues to give gifts to others, while forgetting about himself. However, family members are unconsciously perceived as an integral part of ourselves, therefore, not loving ourselves, we begin to treat loved ones in the same way.

Lack of skill. Children are rarely taught to be considerate of themselves. And often in adulthood a person does not show concern, because he simply does not know how to do it.

Illusions and fantasies. Most people from childhood receive information that to love another means to endure all his actions. So the people say: "Love me black, everyone will love me white." As an adult, a person unconsciously begins to act in accordance with this idea, testing and testing loved ones: do they love him or not? At the same time, everyone understands in his soul that he is acting badly towards his relatives. There is a feeling of guilt: "I'm bad, so you can't love me." And the need to check a loved one to make sure that he still loves, unconsciously increases. Consequently, cruelty begins to manifest itself more and more often.

Lack of dialogue. Parents often inspire children that everything must be endured. It’s bad to talk about what you don’t like, you can’t voice your desires, otherwise a scandal will happen. In addition, many are sure that native people should understand each other perfectly. That is why we often ignore important things. And when the accumulated negative emotions break out, quarrels happen. After that, many are convinced that it is useless to talk, it will only get worse from talking, and continue to accumulate negativity until the next scandal.

resentment. Wisdom says: "Cruelty begets cruelty." Resentments build up over the years. And then the inner need to restore justice, to take revenge on relatives for their past “sins” grows. We begin to demand something from relatives, while not fully understanding what we really want. This leads to even worse relations.

What to do?

Recognize that there is a problem. Often we do not consider what is happening in a relationship a problem, requiring attention. Violent behavior that, although uncomfortable, is often perceived as natural and normal. But until you change your attitude to what is happening in the family, it is impossible to improve relations.

Establish a dialogue with family. This will have to be learned. And this is possible only after liberation from resentment.

Learn to love yourself. The world is like a mirror. It reflects everything that you show him. When you learn to love and respect yourself, loved ones will stop suffering from your cruelty and show negativity towards you.

First reader Mikhail Tserishenko:

I would not row everyone under the same brush. For example, in my family there is no cruelty towards relatives, we appreciate each other. And why such things occur in other families, I, frankly, do not know.