How to control your anger - advice from an experienced psychologist. How to overcome anger

The theme of our article will be the emotion of anger. We will look at the stages of its manifestation, as well as methods of working with it in order to reduce its impact on your life. You yourself must become the master of your life and emotional reactions, not allowing emotions to control you.

How to deal with anger and how to control anger

Anger is a negative emotion that occurs as a response to what a person considers unfair. According to Orthodox tradition, anger is not always condemned. Much depends on what the anger is directed against, while in Catholicism anger is clearly included in the list of deadly sins. In the Buddhist tradition, anger is understood as one of the five "poisons", so there is no excuse for it, and only self-observation will help to cope with it.

However, we will return to the modern tradition, not the religious one, and see what psychological science tells us about anger. Some psychologists believe that this emotion must be fought, sometimes even taught how to suppress it correctly, but this does not make the patient feel better. The suppression of any emotions does not lead to their final elimination - rather, to displacement (and not necessarily into the subconscious), but only temporary. Then the condition only worsens. Unprocessed and unthought emotion, as well as what causes it, re-manifests itself with the same force, which can lead to serious deviations in emotional sphere and, as a result, become a threat to the stability of the mental state of a person.

Therefore, in this article you will not find advice on how to control anger; we will dwell in more detail on the nature of emotions themselves, as well as how we perceive and experience them. A person is a subject experiencing an emotion, so it is very important for him to understand the mechanism of his reactions, to become aware of his emotion, then he will have a chance to notice it at the very moment of its inception and thereby stop its development at the very beginning.

This way of observing the feeling, and therefore oneself, is extremely useful, and it can be used by those people who are interested in the issue of awareness, since such observation also becomes an excellent practice of awareness. You look at yourself from the outside - this is the key to everything. If we were asked to briefly outline the meaning of the method of working with the emotion of anger, as well as with any other unwanted emotion, what has been said above is the quintessence of this method.

Behind it lies a deep philosophical concept about the observer and the observed, but we will focus more on practical psychological aspect of the stated idea and will try to explain how this method works and how to apply it.

Feeling of anger. Stages of anger

The feeling of anger is very strong. However, according to the map of consciousness compiled by David Hawkins, based on which he chose human awareness, in terms of the power of awareness, anger surpasses desire (lust), but is inferior to pride. According to this scale, where the highest level - enlightenment - is 700, anger scores 150 points, while pride - 175, and desire - 125.

Anger is born when a person feels capable of doing something. An apathetic person does not have enough energy even for such a feeling. Therefore, if you experience it periodically, then you should not be very upset about this, because it also means that your energy level is at a high enough level to achieve this feeling.

In order to leave the level of anger, move to a higher level - pride or even pride - and then to courage, which is the watershed between the cluster of negative emotions and positive ones, you need to be fully aware of your feelings, as well as what causes them.

Before talking about the causes of anger, we must analyze its stages - in this way we will understand how this affect manifests itself:

• discontent;
• feeling of injustice;
• anger;
• anger;
• rage.

An extreme form of anger is rage. Anger that turns into rage is a destructive emotion that negatively affects others. Anger is born imperceptibly. Often this is the accumulated discontent, which is no longer possible to contain, and it develops into anger, and then into anger. Dissatisfaction with the fact that something is not going the way you would like it to. In order for anger to assume its classical form, a sense of injustice must also take part in this process. What causes dissatisfaction should be regarded by the subject himself also as a kind of injustice. Only then can anger be classified as a real emotion of anger. When he goes into his higher form then anger becomes rage.

Anger and aggression: causes of anger and methods of dealing with it

Such concepts as anger and aggression must be able to distinguish. Aggression is an action that is supported by emotions, including anger, and anger is a pure affect, that is, a state, but not an action. Aggression has a goal, a person consciously achieves something, while anger can manifest itself almost uncontrollably: a person is not aware of it. This happens quite often.

Now that we know the difference between anger and aggression, we need to understand the causes of anger.

An angry reaction to a situation or a person's behavior can be either instant, unprepared (an explosion of anger), or an accumulated outburst. negative energy. If a person endured for a long time, put up with an unpleasant one, then sometime the tension must find a way out, and often it is expressed in the form of an emotion of anger.

This kind of anger is much easier to watch and prevent than the kind that arises spontaneously. Spontaneous anger is difficult to control or prevent. In this case, a person is required to high degree internal awareness, when under almost any circumstances he is able to look at what is happening from a distance, that is, not to react, but to consciously observe both himself and the situation.

This is a very valid recommendation. The one who could reach so high level control over their emotions, they are unlikely to be interested in any other methods for working on their psychological state. Man has really learned to control himself. For people who are still in the stage of learning to observe their emotions, the following should be advised:

• Until the onset negative emotion try to pay attention to your own thoughts and feelings as often as possible during the day, because in this way you fix them and become more aware.
• When you feel that you are accumulating rejection of something, then write down on paper everything that you feel - this again helps to look at emotions from the outside.
• If the moment of the birth of an emotion is missed, then you need to try to “catch” yourself already during its manifestation. Of course, this is much more difficult to do, but if one day you succeed, you can congratulate yourself, because you were able to become aware of your feelings directly at the time of their manifestation, and this is a big victory.

A few more words about anger: connection with the Muladhara Chakra

If we have analyzed above psychological reasons the appearance of the emotion of anger, then in this part of the article I would like to look at anger from the point of view of the yogic tradition, where one or another chakra corresponds to certain psychophysical states.

Chakra is an energy center through which there is an exchange of energies between a person and the outside world. Each chakra has its own spectrum of action. The Muladhara Chakra is the root energy center, so it is responsible for basic emotions, including negative ones - phobias, anxiety, sadness and depression, and, of course, anger. Usually such emotions manifest when the chakra is imbalanced. If Muladhara works harmoniously, then this is expressed in the general calmness of a person, a state of stability and concentration.

It turns out that instead of controlling anger by developing awareness, you can do something almost the opposite - pay attention to harmonizing the chakras through practicing ancient practices and special exercises. This will not be slow to manifest itself on an increase in the level of self-awareness - then you will be able to control yourself at the mental level and prevent the very generation of negative emotions.

The practice of meditation and pranayama also brings great support in terms of working on the emotional state. Both practices go hand in hand, so you can't do one and overlook the other. For those who have never meditated, we can recommend taking a vipasana course, because usually moments of silence allow you to establish a connection with the inner Self and become the first step on the path to awareness.

You can also start practicing hatha yoga. The yoga system is built in such a way that when performing this or that asana, you work not only with physical body, but you are also engaged in the very balancing of the chakra system, and this, in turn, means work on the normalization psychological state. Usually, yoga practitioners notice a surge of physical energy and at the same time a state of calm on an emotional level. This suggests not only that yoga is practiced in the right way, but also that its effect is extremely beneficial for the state of the etheric (emotional) body.

Instead of a conclusion

"Defeat yourself and you won't have to defeat others." This Chinese proverb could be paraphrased and said: "Be aware of yourself - and you will have nothing to defeat others for." A person who has conquered anger and many other negative emotions in himself becomes much more advanced spiritually and much stronger psychologically. Therefore, he will not even want to defeat others, because self-knowledge will bring with it the realization that there is essentially no one to fight, and therefore there is no one to defeat, because the greatest enemy that you have is you myself.

In a world where all objects and events around a person are completely irritating factors, stress cannot be avoided. Most often, a person's irritability is identified with anger.

Many people consider the ability to restrain anger akin to a gift, because not everyone can boast of this skill. If restraint and tolerance are not inherent in a person by nature, then it remains only to learn this on your own.

Here are some tips for dealing with anger:

When it is clearly felt that anger is getting close enough and there is less and less adequacy in actions, you just need to ask yourself the question: “Well, what's wrong with that?”. While a person begins to delve into himself, figuring out what really is wrong here, anger is already receding.

Take 10 deep breaths - a must, as with emotional point vision, as well as physiological. Heart in stressful situation slightly increases in size, while it begins to put pressure on the diaphragm. With measured deep breaths, the situation normalizes, which significantly reduces the pain syndrome. No physical discomfort, no anger.

A look from the outside will help to quickly cope with anger. Needless to say, how anger disfigures even the most attractive appearance? A facial expression distorted by anger, every spoken phrase saturated with negativity, high intonations - all this negates the previous efforts aimed at looking good. Perhaps it is worth subduing anger, if only for the sake of “not losing face” in the eyes of the environment?

Methods for dealing with anger include another point: try to express feelings only in a calm tone. Many people are excellent psychologists. But, unfortunately, some of them use it exclusively in their own interests. For example, to manipulate others with their abilities. In this case, you just need to stop and understand that you are being used for their own purposes - does this deserve an emotional breakdown and, as a result, feeling unwell?

You can write your anger on paper. Perhaps anger and irritation are the first emotions that were caused by this or that event, the first reaction to what was said or done. Sometimes it happens that the opponent is not at all to blame for the cause of anger - irritability can be caused by a reminder of a similar situation that happened in the past. In this case, in order not to offend a person (especially if what he said or did did not provide for malicious intent), you need to understand yourself: sit down and simply write down everything that caused a negative reaction on a sheet. It may well turn out that the reason lies precisely in some facts of your life path.

Anger is a destructive force. Therefore, it is very important not to let emotions take precedence over common sense and not to lose self-control. Knowing how to control anger can make your life easier and reduce negative emotions!

A person can express not only positive, but also negative emotions. Usually to positive emotions people have no complaints. But they learn to manage negative emotions. Undoubtedly, one’s emotions, for whatever reasons they may arise, must be dealt with, since in their negative aspect they often make a person destroy, destroy and cause harm, which is unacceptable by society. And one of those negative emotions is anger.

All people are angry. The Internet magazine site calls anger a natural manifestation of a person who, for some reason, suddenly became dissatisfied. Anger differs from aggression in that anger is an emotion and is a state. Anger precedes aggression, and aggression is based on anger.

Anger is an emotion that arises in a person in response to the reality that surrounds him. Usually anger is a response to troubles, unpleasant events, something that a person did not expect or did not want to receive. expected something or hoped for something, but achieved a different result. As a result, internal anger arises, which, if it grows, will turn into aggression.

Bad things always happen at the wrong time. Therefore, there is no need to be angry because you did not expect something, but it happened. Nobody ever expects something bad to happen. All people hope only for good things to happen. But life is not a utopia, so troubles happen and they are never timely and welcome.

Troubles always occur at the wrong time, you should already get used to this and learn to react calmly. Realize that negative events will happen and will always be unwanted. But you have a choice: take it easy on what happened and just survive it, or react violently to it, trying to return what has left you. In which case do you think you will suffer more? You yourself will hurt yourself only from the fact that you start to fight reality, trying to return the happiness that you had before this event. You do not accept the present by trying to return to the past. Have you ever been able to overcome real world and turn back time?

Some troubles are temporary, fleeting, some are life-changing. But in any case, you have to get used to what happened, trying to fix the problem. And here, calmness is important, which helps to think soberly and see the whole picture, and not just part of it.

What is anger?

Anger is understood as a violent negative reaction of a person, which is expressed in a change of mood, a negative attitude towards what is happening and destructive behavior. Usually a person in a state of anger does not sit still. He actively gesticulates, trying to do something. Often anger becomes the cause of the destruction of property or fights between people.

In a state of anger, a person does not think and does not control his actions. This is the period when he considers all his actions to be correct, since they are usually aimed at destroying the trouble that caused them. This should be understood by others, who begin to wonder why a person is angry. He no longer thinks, he simply acts. It will be difficult to get through to his mind. It is important here to protect yourself from a person while he is in a state of anger.

Anger is an emotion aimed at destroying, suppressing or eliminating what caused it. It can be either a person or some inanimate object. You should be aware that anger is a short-lived emotion, which is good both for the person himself and for those around him. Therefore, it is not uncommon to advise people in a state of anger to withdraw from society until the emotions subside, which will not take much time.

In a state of anger, a person becomes very tense. His face expresses anger, his muscles tighten, his body becomes like a stretched string, his fists and teeth clench, his face turns red. A person “boils” inside, feels a huge surge of energy, which is aimed at eliminating the trouble that caused this emotion.

Controlling oneself in a state of anger is quite difficult, as even psychologists say. Usually, anger is dangerous because the thought process is turned off, and instincts are turned on, aimed at destroying the enemy (troubles). However, a person is able to control himself. This will require practice and a conscious approach to what is happening.

Reasons for anger

Anger is not a bad emotion, because it is given to a person to maintain his balance and harmony. If a person finds himself in a situation of danger, then he needs anger, which gives energy and the ability to protect himself. However, in modern conditions In life, a person rarely encounters situations when he needs to fight for his survival. Therefore, anger was transformed: it began to arise in situations that are simply associated with some destabilization of life's comfort.

The reasons for anger are:

1. Prolonged fear or discomfort, during which the person endured discomfort.
2. and various obstacles that prevent a person from achieving his goals.
3. Insults and criticism of a person who, at the same time, feels morally disadvantaged.
4. Rejection by another person.
5. Demonstration of objectionable behavior.
6. Not getting what you want.

The longer the anger lasts, the more exhausted the person becomes, whose energy spills right and left, often without productive results.

Each reader should understand that his anger is a reaction to what is happening, which simply does not suit him. As already mentioned, life is not obliged to please a person all the time. Periodically, situations will arise that are unpleasant for a person. If you always treat problems and troubles as quite normal phenomena in life, then anger can be controlled. This emotion will simply indicate that you do not like it. And the energy that anger will produce can be channeled into a constructive channel.

How to manage anger?

Anger arises only in a situation where something does not suit a person, while there is a feeling that this can be dealt with. Everyone develops anger in their own way:

1. Alone long time they burn, but then subside.
2. Others instantly light up and first take actions (often destructive) that already calm them down.

It is not necessary to say that a person in a state of anger can control himself. Often, this emotion turns off consciousness, so that a person thinks less and acts more to achieve a single result - the elimination of obstacles, troubles.

People don't always react negatively to anger. For example, anger caused by injustice is considered noble, because a person under its influence tries to restore balance. Also, anger on the part of a man is considered attractive. It refers to the strength and masculinity that should be inherent in a man. Moreover, if a woman shows anger, she is called weak and irrational.

Regardless of the positive and negative aspects that anger gives to a person, it still needs to be managed. It is not proposed here to eliminate it or ignore it, which cannot be done because of the strength of its effect on a person. Psychologists recommend using anger in a good direction, that is, when it occurs, do things that you will then be proud of, and not regret doing them.

Managing anger means directing its energy in a direction that is beneficial to you. If you are angry, give yourself the opportunity to stop for a while and think about what you want to achieve and how to do it so that later you do not regret what you did and do not pay.

How to deal with anger?

Do not blame yourself and criticize yourself for giving in to your own anger. You won't help yourself and you won't fix the situation. Anger will arise in you in a situation where your expectations are not realized. Here it is recommended not to be offended by yourself because of the angry nature, but to develop a strategy that helps to cope with anger.

• Switch your attention. To reduce the "degree" of your anger, just switch your attention to something else. Stay in a different situation for a while until your emotions subside.
• Understand what's going on. Often people get aggressive because they don't quite understand what's going on. In fact, nothing threatens them, they received incorrect information, they were deceived, etc., which makes them angry. In order not to succumb to emotions, you need to understand the situation, whether your anger is really justified.
• Throw out emotions. Here, psychologists offer to go in for active sports, beat a pear, dishes or a pillow. You can even hang up a photo of your opponent and throw darts at him. Emotions are not recommended to be suppressed, as they will splash out again in any irritable situation.
• Look at yourself in the mirror. Try to admire yourself when you are angry. Usually a person cannot look at himself while in this state.

Psychologists recommend analyzing what is happening every time and understanding how your anger was senseless and unreasonable. This should be done after you have calmed down. Understand the situation, understand what caused your anger, how necessary it turned out to be. At the end, draw a conclusion for yourself how you will act in the future when similar situations. Try to stick to your own decision. Take control of yourself if you want to be a strong person.

How do you end up controlling your anger?

You can learn to control anger if you learn it and make every effort:

1. If your self-esteem is hurt, then allow yourself to relax to criticism and insults of your opponent. If he doesn't like something, that's his problem. And you do not strain because someone does not like something.
2. Self-defense. If something threatens your life, body or personality, then allow your anger to manifest. You need to protect yourself, otherwise people will sit on your neck or start disrespecting you.
3. Denial of your desires. If you are faced with a situation where other people live in a way that makes you angry, then you need to relax. Don't interfere in other people's lives. Let them be as miserable, wrong, and sick as they seem to you. Better take care of yourself. Don't let other people live the way they want to.
4. Unfulfilled desires. Anger can also be the result of not achieving goals. Here you should calm down in order to be able to analyze what happened and see your own mistakes. It was you who took some actions that did not allow you to achieve your goals. See what you did wrong, and then correct the actions.

Anger is a rejection of a situation that happens to a person. There can be many reasons, as well as strategies for one's own behavior in the event of anger.

Everyone knows how scary a person is in a state of anger, so what is anger and everything you wanted to know about anger, we will consider in this article. Anger is a short burst of aggression aimed at eliminating the source of his irritation. First of all, anger is emotional condition directed outward, and not a specific action.

This emotional state can push a person to various types actions, such as to punish the offender. Holding anger within themselves, people often turn it against themselves. Depending on the individual characteristics of the person and the situation, people experience anger in different ways.

Types of anger in examples:

1. Immediate anger.

Natalya, aged 29 (economist), complained that her husband was very hot-tempered. He expressed his anger in the form of curses and threats, she was afraid of his anger, fearing for her safety. To protect herself, she also began to scream, which only increased her husband's anger. Subsequently, Elena realized that such a state of her husband was quite safe if she did not actively resist him. She learned not to respond with anger to her husband's aggression, realizing that these were just emotions. As a result, the manifestation of anger in her husband became less frequent. The situation was finally resolved when both realized that anger is an emotional discharge.

2. Displaced anger.

Such anger manifests itself in the form of a shift of one's rage from the offending person to inanimate objects. Broken dishes, broken handles or mobile phone, which shattered into smithereens against the wall, this is what happened with Svetlana, 35 years old (manager). All because she was afraid of hurting another person. When Svetlana realized that a small material damage was the price for the calm state of her relatives and business partners. Over time, she was able to move from active to imaginary, which saved her from financial losses.

Advice: when meeting with a person who breaks dishes or breaks his mobile, remember that in this way he protects the environment from his own anger. If once again you broke something, analyze what this action symbolized and next time try to imagine the act of beating objects, for example, by drawing something.

3. Delayed anger.

Vasily, 40 years old (entrepreneur) fell victim to such anger. Having married, he later found out that the wife is angry not at the moment when the problem arose, but after when she is safe, for example, at home. She was afraid that because of her anger she would be punished. Subsequently, Alexander talked with his wife in a calm atmosphere and found out that she had conflicts with her superiors, and she simply played out on him, because, for fear of being fired, she restrained her emotions at work. The couple began to discuss and analyze the conflicts that occurred at work, which significantly reduced outbursts of anger and improved their family life.

Tip: When you feel angry, try to find out what caused it, what really pissed you off and prevented you from responding to it right away.

Valentina, aged 34 (accountant), was tormented by remorse from her vindictiveness. Her upbringing did not allow her to react violently to resentment, and she did not want to burden loved ones with her problems. Taking out anger on inanimate objects did not bring a positive result. And the only way to find peace was revenge. However, when revenge was carried out, Valentina began to feel guilty. Later, she learned to imagine revenge without harming another person.

Advice: if you have a burning desire to take revenge on someone, imagine it, mostly mental reprisals free you from feelings of anger.

When Ekaterina, 35 years old (an economist), was offended by someone, instead of fighting back, she turned her anger on herself, punishing and blaming herself for what had happened. At the same time, anger had no outlet and subsequently took the form of depression. Catherine felt much better when she allowed herself to show at least some of her anger outside.

Tip: learn to express a feeling of anger, often the absence of any reaction does not make it clear to other people what a person really feels and what he does not like.

6. Inhibition of anger.

Ekaterina, 50 years old (accountant), showed her anger in the form of self-isolation. Most destructive form. Faced with someone's aggression, she immediately stopped her communication, thinking that the anger that arose was absolutely calm and remained unconscious. Catherine simply slowed down her rage. Since the anger was not manifested and was not realized, it began to come out in the form of headaches and bodily ailments. Subsequently, Catherine learned to understand own feelings at the moment when the conflict occurred - this significantly reduced the pain in the head and back, and after finding a form to express their emotions outside, they almost disappeared.

Advice: know that the presence of anger is normal and should be expressed in moderation.

Anger: everything you wanted to know about anger we tried to consider, for example, what types are and how best to deal with them.

Anger arises from violated expectations. To cope with it, you need to deal not with the feeling itself, but with the reasons that caused it. How to deal with anger? I offer a 5 simple steps method.

Imagine a situation: two drivers are standing in a traffic jam, each in his car. Another car drives past on the side of the road, bypassing the queue, and then tries to climb into the very beginning, right in front of our heroes. The reaction of the drivers is different: the first one got very angry, cursed loudly out the window and did not let it through. A skirmish ensued. The second driver shrugged and turned away. Why did it happen? Why is there a completely different reaction to the same situation?

The answer is really simple: each of the drivers assessed the situation differently. If we assume what they thought, then most likely the first driver thought something like “What a brat! Why should I stand and he shouldn't? He must stand and wait, like everyone else! It's not fair! Now I will show him how to behave! The second driver probably thought something like "Let it climb, it doesn't matter to me."

Anger, anger, rage and irritation are based on expectations. We expect other drivers to behave honestly and according to the rules. We expect the authorities to be fair to us. We require ourselves to exercise twice a week. When this does not happen - drivers do not drive according to the rules, the authorities unfairly criticize, we once again did not go to the gym - we get angry, annoyed and angry. We can say that we have some rules about "duty": someone has to do something. When such a rule is violated, we develop anger to one degree or another. The more important this rule was for us, the more it is associated with something individually valuable, the stronger the fit of anger can be. It is easiest to notice such "shoulds" in relation to other people: "He has no right to do this!" or "Children should behave normally!".

Attitude to anger and its causes

It is worth noting that people have different attitudes to anger and its manifestation. Relationships are affected by:

• upbringing;
• the cultural environment where the person grew up;
• life experience;
• in the end, books read in childhood and much more.

For example, we can learn that anger is not good and wrong and should be suppressed. If we think of anger as a tightly closed kettle of boiling water, it is easy to understand how it happens that anger erupts at some point in the form of intense, exciting, strong feelings. After all, when the kettle is on the stove and heats up, heats up, heats up, the water slowly boils, but there is still little steam, and it still accumulates inside. The water continues to heat up and eventually boils. There are a lot of couples, he is looking for a way out - and he will definitely find it. If you close it very tightly, then the steam can break the lid and even blow up the entire kettle. Likewise with anger. If you do not let him go out, sooner or later he will blow up the kettle. From the outside, for other people it will look like an unexpected, violent outburst of emotions "from scratch".

It happens that people are convinced that it’s okay to get angry if your feelings are rightly hurt - in addition, it’s permissible to punish the offender if you are able to do it. Such beliefs, combined with the emotion boiling inside, are pushing towards destructive behavior - aggression. Aggression is understood not only as a physical attack, but also as a verbal one: swearing, calling names, raising your voice. There are also hidden forms of aggression, such as intentional passivity or sarcastic comments.

Anger, like any other emotion, positive or negative, is not good or bad. It simply arises in response to how we assess the situation. Anger problems appear when it occurs too often, too intensely, and disrupts everyday life and relationships. We boil water in a pot or kettle several times a day, letting the steam out and controlling the heat cut, and this is a completely normal situation. But if the kettle were to boil unexpectedly, on its own, so strong that it would immediately explode, that would be a problem. Or if a boiling kettle pounced on those present, striving to douse everyone with boiling water.

If you notice regular or intense outbursts of anger in yourself and want to deal with them, then the following exercise is likely to be useful to you. Please note that it may not be possible to perform it during the anger attack itself, because a strong emotion blocks thinking. You need to choose a time when you are more or less calm, no one will distract you. In the next critical situation, you will remember the most important thing from this exercise. Especially if you practice several times. Such exercises are like playing the guitar: if you only think about playing the guitar, you will never learn how to do it. To play, you need to actually pick up the instrument and start plucking the strings.

Step one: realize that there is a choice

Anger leads to aggression. We don't always control an emotion, but what we do when we do, we control. Consider what will be the consequences of aggression? Do you really want these results? Are they leading you in the right direction? Will your relationship with the person improve? If not aggression, then how to behave differently in order to protect your interests?

Step two: find the rule

Find the rule of "should" that has been violated. Words such as “must, must, must, must, should” will help you discover it. What exactly went wrong? Who behaves not as they should, in your opinion? What do you require - from yourself, from another person, from the world? Let's call the discovered "hot thoughts".

Step Three: Cool Your Thoughts

Respond to the hot anger thoughts you found in the previous step in a more measured, sane, cool way. For example:

• Hot Thought: How is he dare to say that to me! He not has the right to contact me!
• More thoughtful thought: Perhaps he thinks it will be better. Maybe he makes a mistake, he also human, not robot.

Step four: prevent aggression

Think about what it is that turns thoughts into aggressive behavior. Look for explanations that allow you to show aggression or justify it. For example: "He deserved it" or "Otherwise she will never understand", or "I don't care anymore, I'm furious." Such thoughts are like scammers who trick us into doing something that we may later regret. They do not act in our interests, on the contrary, they push us to drop moral principles - and put on a show of threats, accusations, screams, or even physical attacks. Remind yourself what your payback will be if you go along with these scammers. Is this what you really want?

Step five: calm the body

Learn to calm physiology. Anger makes our heart beat, our muscles tense, our blood pressure rises, and our breathing quickens. It is an ancient automatic mechanism that helps prepare the body for fight or flight. To calm down, you need to give the opposite “command”: intentionally relax the muscle groups that are tense, or slow down your breathing. In a few minutes, everything will gradually pass.