Do you know exactly why people fight? Mat and psychology: what obscene words mean psychologically.

In the common people, they often talk obscenities. This is quite familiar and does not cause rejection of the interlocutor. If a person grew up in this environment and is used to it, then swear words begin to fly from his lips from the time he begins to speak. Another question is what if a person grew up in an intelligent family, but then finds himself in conditions that are not particularly pleasant for him, where he experiences everyday stress. In this case, they swear more out of necessity than consciously.

Why do people swear

For example, a person serves in the army, works in law enforcement agencies, drives a heavy vehicle, that is, every day his work is associated with risk and people who do not always adequately respond to circumstances. In this case, when stressful situations, in difficult living conditions, he may be forced to start cursing. Then the habit is fixed and those who swear no longer cause negativity. He himself becomes one of this team.

What are the reasons why people swear

Some believe that this is a reaction to fear, a desire to assert oneself in front of others. However, this is not always the case. Often rather an unusual situation, the inability to change something, to speed up events, anger, that's what drives a person. He is outraged and tries to speak out.

Some people think that people who have too little vocabulary. And again this is not true. Many famous people, including very educated people, consider the way of expressing thoughts in this way as a wave as normal. They even think that it gives them some zest.

So, why the mat is heard more and more often:

• People try to assert themselves in this way;
• Aggression increases, and mat is an expression of aggression, but in a different form;
• A person finds himself in an unusual situation, tries to defend himself, find a way out;
• Mat helps to endure pain, physical and mental suffering;
• He gives control and power, helps to joke;
• Allows you to express yourself and even increase control, improve well-being;
• Someone thinks swearing is cool, mostly it's of course young people.
• Mat - an opportunity to become one's own in a certain environment, to convey one's thought, which "does not reach" in other words.

These and other circumstances are increasingly bringing obscene words and expressions into life. They are already part of the language, and are not even suppressed as cruelly as before. This does not mean that you need to swear, it just says that there is another way to express your feelings and emotions, slightly different from the usual cultural speech. Most likely it will not be possible to eradicate the checkmate, but if it is not used in Everyday life, then no one in the family will swear.

What is love? Why do we destroy our relationships? What main reason family conflicts? How to return affection, trust, intimacy and stop quarreling over trifles? Clinical psychology professor Sue Johnson answers these questions in her book Hold Me Tight. And here's what she says.

Many believe that an adult must be self-sufficient and independent. The image of an invulnerable and fearless warrior who alone stands in the way of life's dangers and hardships has been cultivated in society for too long.

But do not underestimate the role of love and reliable, trusting relationship with loved ones. The need for a strong emotional connection is built into our genes and bodies. It is as important to life, happiness, and health as food, security, or sex.

We need support. To deny this is reckless and even dangerous. Research shows that a secure and strong relationship with a loved one makes us happier and healthier, increases self-confidence, improves self-esteem, reduces stress, and improves our ability to cope with difficulties.

People often do not see and do not understand that the lion's share of quarrels and conflicts is, in fact, a protest of partners against emotional disunity. Getting involved in the battle, men and women seem to ask each other: “Can I rely on you? Are you with me? Do I mean something to you? Do you appreciate me? Do you accept? Do you need me? Do you trust?"

All the anger, irritation, criticism and demands are actually a cry of despair. This is an attempt to get through to loved ones. Awaken their hearts. Bring back the emotional response and restore the old sense of safe intimacy.

Sometimes our feelings are hurt by some little thing. For example, a lover did not answer the call, forgot to tell about an event that was significant for him, or came home from work late. The fact is that we can perceive such actions as a manifestation of indifference and alienation of a loved one, and this, according to the observations of scientists, causes us no less acute pain than a serious physical injury.

As a rule, instead of describing our emotions, explaining to the partner why his behavior alarmed us, and asking for support, we begin to find fault with him and shower reproaches. After all, no one likes to admit their own weakness.

Development of the conflict

If partners do not try to rebuild trust, sincerely talk about their feelings and understand each other, then they fall into a terrible vicious circle: their reactions provoke even more negative responses and emotions. Relationships are becoming more destructive, resentment and disunity are growing.

Researchers identify three destructive behaviors that exacerbate the situation.

1. "Find the culprit"- dead-end pattern, quickly and effectively destroying love affair. Partners who embark on this path are guaranteed distance from each other.

The purpose of this pattern of behavior is to protect oneself, but all means come down to mutual accusations, attacks and reproaches. The “Find the Guilty” pattern might as well have been called “It's not me, it's all you!”.

In many couples, this model turns on for a short time. In most cases, "Find the Blame" serves as a brief prelude to the "Negative Dance" - the most common and difficult process of separation.

2. "Negative Dance" One partner in this model criticizes and attacks, while the other one defends and moves away. The stronger the alienation of the second, the more desperate and caustic the verbal attacks of the first.

This pattern of behavior is also referred to as “harassment-withdrawal” or “criticism-avoidance.” It is based on a deep problem: partners experience severe emotional hunger. Both feel left out. And desperately cry for attention and care.

University of Washington psychologist John Gottman has proven that spouses stuck in this type of behavior have an 80% chance of divorce within 4-5 years.

3. "Freeze - run", or "removal - removal". This is the last stage, which is often followed by a breakup. Partners who drag out with the "Negative Dance" at some point lose hope and give up. They try to freeze feelings and needs, distance themselves and become numb. Both retreat, fleeing pain and despair.

How to “fix” love: a quick guide

1. Realize that intimacy and affection are basic needs for everyone. We all look to our loved ones for an emotional response and a sense of belonging. There is nothing shameful in this.

2. Instead of fighting each other, try to see the common enemy - destructive patterns of behavior. Discuss the harmful spiral that develops your relationship, rather than specific actions and words. Refrain from mutual accusations.

4. Tell each other about your vulnerabilities. Some situations, carelessly thrown words, awkward actions hurt us especially strongly. Almost everyone has “sick corns” formed in past or present relationships. Very often they come from childhood.

Even light touch to an unhealed spiritual wound causes strong emotions. But your partner may not know about your “sore spot” until you tell about it.

5. Learn to be sensitive to your partner's emotions. Relationships are destroyed by a lack of responsiveness, and not at all by the level of development of the conflict. Knowing that a loved one is nearby and will rush to the rescue at the first call, we feel more confident and stop doubting our significance.

More useful tips- in the book

Today is a simple post. I mean, not super-deep, but understandable. So, suppose a psychotherapy group has gathered. Or a client came to personal (individual) therapy. And he uses obscene words: what is psychologically “behind them”? Is it a strength (to say what I think) or a weakness (uncivilized, can't help it)?

What does mat mean? Is it just bad upbringing and bad behavior?

“Checkmate”: what is the function of mate and reduced vocabulary?

If we take the simplest, the very first meaning of the checkmate, then this is a banal voltage drop. Usually, it's redundant. Therefore, the psychotherapist, most likely (but depends on his personal preferences), the mat will not “conquer”, especially if it is appropriate, but it will interest.

What is happening that you cannot do without a mat?

Second point:

What is it that happens that “excessive pressure” is formed, which must be released from the bottle with “selective mat bubbles”? How was it formed?

Third point:

What is the use of swear words?

In total, where one could get very angry, be very frightened, in general, come to strong feelings, a person psychologically “bleeds pressure” through a mat.

"Freudian slip"

Another important nuance- how, what and when the mat is used.

Another too educated client barely squeezes out the “Russian analogue” of the article, and this is - big win both for him (her) and for the therapist. After all, indeed, there are situations in life when swearing properly is the most adequate and fast, intelligible means, and, moreover, ideally suited to the cultural environment!

Another, "highly cultured" client who uses swearing every day may DO NOT swear- and this will also win. Literally: every time a person relieved stress, preventing it from accumulating (and at the same time expressing a thought). To maintain tension, withstand the situation and form one's need, to express a desire instead of an indistinct “article” for such a person is a real victory over oneself and climbing the evolutionary step!

Are words important?

As a rule, “behind” the obscene expression is either a description of something related to sexual activity / belonging, or a direction (male strong “in” or female enjoyable “on”). Words may actually be important, but they don't have to be. Plays a role:

• coloring of expressive words,
• general dynamics (he said and fell silent, as if pushing everyone away from his borders, “scaring”, or he said and “how it broke through”, found his true desire),
• whether the expression was an attempt to “get through” to the interlocutor or simply a description of the situation.

In addition, very often swearing performs a descriptive function, replacing feelings: “…., what a sunset”, “…, what a moonlit path”, “and she comes out - so ...!”, “let him go ..., ...!”

Why is mate bad? Today, in order to “be in trend”, popular singers, rappers, speakers of various stripes, and even coaches speak obscenities. personal growth. Why are we cursing? Not for self-interest, but only for a bunch of words or giving the right weight to your sayings ...

“Yo-mine! This is ... (obscene language) "- rushes from the speakers of phones, from TV screens and from the Internet. Today, in order to “be in trend”, popular singers, rappers, speakers of various stripes, and even personal growth coaches speak obscenities. Yes, and we, quite normal and cultured people, sometimes insert a strong word into our speech. Why are we cursing? Not for self-interest, but only for a bunch of words or giving the right weight to their sayings.

At least we think so.

Why is mate bad?

Let's take a look at the following points in this article:

1. Mat is about intimate.
2. Mat - as the removal of internal stress.
3. Why are we limited.

And now in more detail.

Why is swearing prohibited?

Any obscene word is about sexual. About the act of intercourse that takes place between a man and a woman. This act is strictly intimate, and no one else is allowed to participate in it (this is what distinguishes us from animals), so swear words are not intended for widespread use.

A man is ready to do anything to get a woman. The psyche of a man can generally be described with the words: “I want a woman.” Restrictions, taboos form in a man not just “I want a woman”, but “I want THIS woman”. This is what makes the act of intercourse intimate and desirable for both. When intimacy is violated, pleasure leaves sex, great pleasure from love for each other leaves. Only purely physiological animal mating remains, we become sexually impoverished.

If we swear - we violate the natural modesty that protects the monogamy of relationships - then we devalue sexuality. By losing shame where it should naturally be, we find shame where it should not be. With external looseness, we lose the ability to trust each other. A woman wants sex less and less, she is more pinched, she cannot relax. Needless to say, this is a tragedy for any couple relationship, where people can potentially derive great physical and psychological pleasure from the act of intimacy?

Why do people swear?

All people have one common desire - we all want to be happy. Whether it is a well-educated successful programmer or manager, or an unsuccessfully grown up guy from a disadvantaged area, whose father beat him all his childhood, and his mother was an alcoholic. We all want happiness, and when we don’t get it, dissatisfaction with life accumulates in us - in other words, frustrations.

And there are two ways: either I “want” and diligently do something to get it, or I “want”, but I can’t do something to get it, for reasons, for example, childhood psychological trauma, false attitudes or social psychopathologies. Then a person accumulates a lot of dissatisfaction within himself, because he wants and does not receive. He experiences strong tension, suffering and seeks to quickly remove this burden of negativity from himself.

Why do people swear? Because a person throws out the accumulated frustrations outward - in the form of insults, hostility and aggressive behavior. The internal shortages of a person are so great that he cannot restrain tension. A person splashes out on the people around him swearing, obscenity, which, of course, increases the degree of hostility and aggression in society.

It would seem that this is the solution: he cursed, joked vulgarly - and felt better, the tension subsided. And you don't have to do anything. But the problem of one's own viability and realization in society, as well as public problems and thus remain unresolved.

Why do we need restrictions, or What made a man out of a monkey

The system only works in tension. At the training System-Vector Psychology» Yuri Burlan shows that a person became a person, developing under severe restrictions - the law, and then culture. This binary limitation distinguishes us from animals and still serves one purpose - the preservation of the human species. Otherwise, we would have already killed each other for the sake of obtaining earthly goods for ourselves.

You can't steal money - you have to come up with a way to earn honestly. You can't compete dishonestly - you have to come up with new idea business or new product. You can't get sexual satisfaction at the snap of your fingers - a man needs to take care of a woman and, in general, be something of himself to begin with.

Prohibitions create the tension that a person needs to give birth to a thought, and therefore to take place in society, because thoughts precede any of our actions. There is no prohibition - the necessary thought is not born, and we are not able to compete adequately and take place in the modern world.

Mat removes cultural taboos.

Why do we love Comedy Club and other humorous programs so much? Because there, through the mat and ridicule, the general tension is removed.

They ridiculed corruption - and there is no need to think about how to eradicate it. They ridiculed our domestic nepotism - and there is no need to think about how to make well-known directors stop shooting their wives, children and grandchildren in films. They ridiculed patriotism - and you don’t have to serve in the army. There comes a relaxation, psychological relief, and problems accumulate until at some point we are swept away by an avalanche.

What about couples?

Swearing and ridiculing relationships with a woman devalues ​​sexuality. This means that it devalues ​​all the exploits, all the actions of a man for the sake of a woman - his desire for a career, for earnings, for authority in society. When a man speaks obscenities, he deprives himself of the “fuel” that would help him achieve his own realization in society.

Why do children swear?

They have not yet developed their cultural layer, they have not completely “fallen under the ban”, which is so necessary for a person to realize. The pressure to become is enormous. Therefore, teenagers easily adopt the modern fashion for a mat, because it is very difficult to impose restrictions on oneself - it is much easier to relieve tension from any problem every time.

Man becomes man only by developing under the yoke of law and culture. But constantly be in suspense and find acceptable ways of satisfaction own desires very difficult. It is much easier to take off this burden and breathe freely at least for a minute. This opportunity, in quotation marks, is given to us by a mat.

Today, the Internet is broadcasting swearing, a dismissive attitude towards a woman, a cult of quick and affordable sex is being preached. Why should a man strain and do something to win a woman, if it is already available, if intercourse has ceased to have value? Why endure the oppression of law and culture, if you can get everything quickly and without straining?

Say a word about mother

To summarize, answering the question why swearing should be prohibited and why swearing is bad:

1. Any swearing in society destroys sexuality, deprives us of the pleasure of sex and life in general.
2. At the societal level, swearing provokes people to open expression of hostility and aggressive behavior. As ties in a couple are destroyed, in the same way, the threads connecting us in society are destroyed from a mat. This leads to the collapse of society.

Having understood these patterns systematically, you can independently answer the question - should I swear in society and in pair relationships? Will I get more harm or benefit from this?

Proofreader: Natalia Konovalova

Why people quarrel is understandable. Views on life, different judgments and thoughts do not coincide. Yes, everything is different. But why do those who have two hearts beat like one quarrel? Why do we fight with our loved ones? Why do those who promised each other to always be together and share grief and joy swear and sometimes conflict? Why in the family no, no, but there are clouds over the head of lovers ...

After all, at first everything seems to be perfect. Nobody shows it openly negative traits character. He tries to please his partner, listens to his desires, knows how not only to listen, but also to hear. But ... a little time passes, people get used to each other and take relationships for granted. As if it is quite natural that two people meet, fall in love, get married, start a family, and so on. People stop appreciating what fate has given them. But this is really a gift of fate - to find at the crossroads of many roads "one's own" native person. Someone walks, searches, wanders in the labyrinth of life, but ... and remains alone. Or, having given up on everything, he connects his life with the wrong person, thinking he will endure, fall in love. Won't endure. And don't fall in love. Torture, not life, is under the same roof with those to whom the heart is silent.

That is why it is so important to value relationships with loved ones. When a person realizes this, he cherishes the sun over his head, so to speak, good weather in the house and does not find fault with trifles. He is not looking for a reason to quarrel, in order to allegedly add piquancy to the relationship. Those who think that conflicts dilute love are mistaken. bright colors, forcing you to look at your partner with different eyes. And they say, without quarreling, relationships become insipid. All this is nonsense. Feelings and emotions can be renewed with positive moments and events. Make your partner's heart flutter again by doing something unpredictable and wonderful for him. Quarrels, like drops of poison, slowly but surely fill the glass, gradually poisoning family life. Having filled it to the brim, there is already so little love in this glass that one wrong move, and the poison will pour out of the glass, destroying the former good attitude towards the partner. Emptiness. Cold. Indifference. Nothing else remains in the heart. (On the topic of how important it is to appreciate the second half and not let everyday problems destroy personal happiness, I recommend an article by Anastasia Gai, editor-in-chief of the Solar Farts website, “How to get rid of anger and aggression? Or my new family life. (Part 1)"

Appreciate every minute spent together. Be grateful to fate for the fact that you have a loved one. After all, not everyone has such happiness. Finding your soul mate is not for everyone. Some people only dream about it. And you have it. And you just have to be ungrateful in order to find reasons after that to find fault with your person, provoke him into conflict and aggression. Fortune does not like the ungrateful and pays them in the same coin.

Expanding on this theme, we can add the following: people also quarrel because they begin to demand too much from a partner. Not appreciating what he does and gives, a person turns into an old woman from a fairy tale about " goldfish". More more more! All of us are not enough. But human resources and opportunities are limited, and it is impossible to step wider than the pants allow. Another thing is how to motivate a man to high achievements! But this is a separate issue. (If she excites you at the moment, I recommend reading article "Do not become a" mommy "for a man" . She will tell you how to behave correctly in relation to the chosen one, so that he succeeds)

So you need to not only appreciate the relationship, but also be grateful for what the person does for you.

Do not forget to say a simple “thank you”, it can sometimes warm you warmer than a hot battery, and a person will want to do more and more pleasant things for you. Do not miss every little thing, sometimes something big and bright is made up of little things.

Another reason why lovers fight, this is a delusion that a person should feel you and know all your thoughts and desires. Here it is worth explaining the essence of the statement. To feel means that the one who loves can determine the mood of his soul mate only by the look, facial expressions and gestures. Whether something worries her (him), whether the person is worried or, on the contrary, is in an excellent mood. It is undeniably important in the family - to feel each other. But to know the thoughts and desires in this moment not subject to everyone. And it's not because the person doesn't love you. We are not soothsayers and clairvoyants. Well, how can you guess what your beloved got into his head at the moment?
This is especially common in women. Many pout at the second half, if the man suddenly did not understand what you meant when, for example, you wanted to go to a restaurant, but kept silent, and instead went to the cinema. Everything needs to be talked about. On this topic on the site " sunny hands» have a good article at Rashida Kirranova , is called “The man does not understand you? Say exactly what you want!"

Let me give you one example from life.

March 8. My friend's husband runs around the city for half a day, choosing gifts for relatives, employees and his beloved. Katya at this time, sitting at home, is already obviously sure that the darling will buy, as usual, some kind of nonsense. Sensing her tense mood, Sergey specifically called home and asked what she would like to receive as a gift? Let it be no longer a surprise, but he definitely will not goof off and anger his beloved with the “wrong” gift.

- I do not care. Buy what you see fit. I'm happy with everything, - Katya changed her anger to mercy.

Although deep down she dreamed of getting a bouquet of yellow tulips on March 8th. Yes, it was them, and not the usual luxurious burgundy rose that Sergey gave her from year to year. The girl decided to check how well her beloved feels. Will he think to buy her yellow tulips?!

—Happy holiday, dear!- Sergey congratulated Katya, presenting her with ... a burgundy rose.

He doesn't feel me at all., - then Katya complained to her friend. He doesn't understand what I need...

Perhaps if there were sorcerers or magicians in Sergey's family, he would read information from Katya's subconscious and give her these ill-fated tulips. But we are ordinary people. How can you read another's mind when a person's mood tends to change?! A person sometimes has not studied himself well, what can we say about something else?

The delusion that a person is obliged to read your thoughts leads not only to self-disappointment, but also to conflicts in the family. You yourself have come up with something. Your chosen one a common person, not a mage. He can feel your mood, well-being. He can also remember your desires, dreams, once said, and fulfill them at an unexpected moment, making you a pleasant surprise. He can study you so well that he can predict your reaction to a particular statement, event, and so on. But it is very difficult to know what you are thinking about at the moment, what you are dreaming about. So don't complicate your relationship yourself. Do not invent illusory fairy tales, which have nothing to do with real life. Talk to your partner, don't close the doors to your inner world, let him study you well enough to read your eyes. And speak out loud about your desires. I recommend to all women to study the article “Don’t understand my yours”, or how to make a man understand you” on the website “Sunshine Hands”. This is a storehouse of valuable advice on family relationships.

One of the misconceptions is also that a person believes that since we have a family, then the beloved (s) should (a) this and that. Must! Must!

Grievances arise due to failure to perform specific actions, instructions, requests.

- You are a man! You have to take out the trash!

- Why me? It's a woman's duty!

Familiar? And such disputes most often arise around banal, everyday things. Wouldn't it be better to calmly discuss all the nuances and exciting questions, so to speak, "on the coast"? No one owes nothing to nobody. loving friend other people will do everything not to overshadow the mood of their soul mate. However, love does not accept orders and whims. She starts to rebel, kick, resist.

Resolve all issues through constructive dialogue. Talk to each other. Determine the range of household chores that you distribute among yourself. To already in family life it was not a surprise for you that the partner is not going to perform any specific duties that, in your opinion, should fall on his shoulders. Peaceful dialogue is the key to calm family relations. There must be compromises anyway. Since your partner is already an established adult with character, habits and outlook on life. You also have a character and adjust your soul mate to yourself, thus breaking his personality and essence, no one gave you such a right. Negotiate, look for a middle ground, give in somewhere, somewhere your partner will give in to you.

Among the list of reasons I have described why people in love quarrel, there are no such reasons as rudeness on the part of a partner, insults, humiliation, submission of one's will. Because it's not love anymore. This is a destructive force, dictatorship, the destruction of a person's personality. This is also a different topic and has nothing to do with the post why lovers quarrel. Where there is strength and humiliation of a person, there is no place for love. It beats, it means it loves, they came up with weak people justifying their powerlessness and low self-esteem. Who tolerate such an attitude towards themselves and do not want to change anything. (If you have low self-esteem and are struggling with it, order Rashid Kirranov's book "How to become self-confident in 3 months" . In it you will find exercises and tips that will help you gain the long-awaited self-confidence. Order a book on the site "Solar Hands" )

I would like to say in the end that without quarrels, of course, it is very difficult, since we all have our own ambitions, character, sometimes a spoiled mood, which we tear down on loved ones. But… in such moments, look around. Someone dreams of close person, someone cannot give birth to a child for years, someone's roof leaks and a cold wind blows through the cracks. And someone knows how to rejoice even a piece of bread. Do you still want to yell at your loved one and for you he is the worst?

It is very easy to offend a person. Darken the relationship every two counts! It is also easy to spoil what is destined for you by fate. But glue it so that there are no traces and cracks ... Be sure to read article “Careful - Living Soul. Or "What will be left after you"? on the site "Solar Hands" .

Think before you speak offensive word, put yourself in the place of a person, do not be selfish and believe me: relationships without quarrels can also be vivid and memorable. Conflicts are not the palette that needs to be diluted with family life.

Sincerely, Mila Alexandrova.