Low self-esteem. Low self-esteem: a variable that can be changed

A person's self-esteem affects his life. It seems that you can not build on the assessment of yourself. However, it is precisely how a person perceives himself and what he believes that will determine his well-being and happiness. Low self-esteem with all its signs never gives happiness. The reasons for its occurrence are varied. However, it is their elimination that allows you to get rid of low self-esteem.

In another way, low self-esteem can be called like this: “feeling of your own insignificance” and “victim complex”. Man, for some objective or biased reasons perceives himself negatively. He does not love himself, does not respect, does not appreciate. As for personal potential, it seems to a person that he does not have it at all.

Can a person with low self-esteem reach any heights? No. Even having some goals, he would rather turn them into dreams and desires than make efforts to realize them. A person who treats himself as a nonentity, unable to achieve and do anything, will not be able to jump above his head. He will think that other people are happier and more successful than he is. Although the difference will only lie in the fact that others are trying to jump above the manifested capabilities, and a person with low self-esteem will draw conclusions without doing or doing anything.

Low self-esteem is in first place in terms of prevalence. Around everyone lives a lot of "victims" and "nobodies". Often these people only pretend to be such, but in fact they have inflated self-esteem. However, the position of the victim helps them achieve what they want. If there are achievements, then we are not talking about low self-esteem. This is the difference:

With high self-esteem, a person achieves what he wants, even if he shows personality traits with low self-esteem.
With low self-esteem, a person never achieves goals, constantly suffers and does not rejoice at anything.

What is low self-esteem?

What is low self-esteem? This is a person’s assessment of himself from the position of “I am nothing”, “I can’t do anything”, “I won’t succeed”, etc. This is a negative attitude towards myself in comparison with other people, which is expressed in the formula “I- , Other+".

Surrounding people seem to be more successful, smart, beautiful and worthy than a person thinks about himself. Low self-esteem originates from childhood, when parents are engaged in raising a person, and it can manifest itself at any age. The accompanying qualities that develop in a person with low self-esteem are:

Lack of self-confidence and personal potential.
embarrassment.
Fear of rejection.
Cowardice.
Fear of not being accepted in society.
Indecision.
Lack of faith in one's own attractiveness.
Shyness.
Excessive resentment.
Fear of being ridiculous.
Failure to protect yourself and your honor.
Disrespect and self-loathing.

It is not necessary to say that a person with low self-esteem will achieve success. That is why people with this quality dream of boosting their self-esteem. They say it's better to have high self-esteem than low self-esteem. Of course, none of the extremes gives happiness to a person, but inflated self-esteem has one advantage over low self-esteem - an arrogant person achieves success in at least something, while a person who considers himself worthless does not achieve any happiness.

Low self-esteem is the most common. This lies in the reasons that form it, as well as in the moral foundations of society that are promoted.

A common feature of high and low self-esteem is that a person does not look at himself realistically. A feature of low self-esteem is that a person notes mainly shortcomings in himself, while he sees only advantages in other people.

A person does not evaluate himself adequately when he sees his own strengths and weaknesses. With low self-esteem, he notices only his shortcomings, often exaggerating them and focusing on them. As for the merits, they, in the opinion of a person, may exist, but they are so insignificant that they should not be paid attention to.

Success cannot be achieved by noting only the shortcomings. That is why a person with low self-esteem does not achieve anything. Moreover, he is so fixated on his own flaws and weaknesses that he cultivates in himself. He does everything to make them even more manifest.

Causes of low self-esteem

The main causes of low self-esteem are:

Parental assessment of a person at the age when he was small.
Consent with the opinions of other people as the only truth.
Focusing on your own failures.
High level of claims.

Low self-esteem takes its origin from childhood, when the child is not able to evaluate himself adequately, therefore, he relies on the opinion of his parents. Significant people for him are Gods, whose opinion he fully trusts. If parents constantly criticize, compare the child with other children, point out his shortcomings, do not show love, talk about what he is bad at, then low self-esteem will certainly develop. The child begins to believe that constant criticism of him and finding shortcomings in him is the norm.

Parents often form low self-esteem when they build other people into an ideal that the child needs to match. The kid should behave like or be like some people pointed out by the parents. Since it is difficult even for an adult to be not himself, another person, a conflict arises between the desired and the actual. The child begins to criticize himself for his own inability to be different, not himself.

Focusing on the external defects or sickness of the child can also lead to a decrease in self-esteem. If parents teach a child to evaluate himself in terms of how beautiful he is, has a lot of toys, is healthy, strong, etc., then any inconsistency with ideals will lower the child's self-esteem.

All people at any age face criticism from others. If you take it on faith, as the truth and an irrefutable axiom, then self-esteem will certainly be low. Surrounding people are more accustomed to criticize than to admire each other. Therefore, often a person's self-esteem will depend on the opinions of others and most often be underestimated.

In the development of low self-esteem, a significant role is played by what a person focuses on. Everyone has setbacks and problems. However, those who focus on this, plunge into the abyss of despair and depression due to the failure that has arisen, low self-esteem is formed.

Moreover, it also leads to an overestimation of the requirements in relation to oneself. When a person wants to achieve high results for as soon as possible, he will certainly encounter difficulties and complexities, which in the end he is not able to solve and eliminate. Another failure leads to disappointment in oneself, because too high demands were set, beyond the strength of an ordinary person.

Signs of low self-esteem

People with low self-esteem are fairly easy to spot. They show certain signs of low self-esteem, which are:

Negative attitude towards oneself: lack of love, respect, self-worth, etc.
Choosing, surrounding yourself and establishing relationships with people who will treat a person according to his personal self-esteem: not love him, criticize, humiliate, etc.
Constant complaints about circumstances, life, the inability to change anything.
Calling yourself weak, unlucky, etc.
Calling pity from others.
Dependent behavior on the attitude of surrounding people. It can be hurt, offended, spoil the mood, etc.
Remark in other shortcomings that he himself possesses.
Blaming others for their own troubles in order to shift responsibility to them.
The desire to be weak and sick in order to receive from people the attention and care that he does not receive when he is healthy.
unkempt appearance. Posture and gestures are indecisive, withdrawn, closed.
Constantly finding flaws in yourself.
Attitude to extraneous criticism as proof of one's own inferiority, insult, emotional wound.
Lack of friends.
Familiar, boastful, demonstrative behavior in order to hide a negative attitude towards oneself.
Inability to make a decision.
Inability to perform a new action because there is a fear of making a mistake.

How to get rid of low self-esteem?

High and low self-esteem are extremes that people fall into. When faced with failure, inflated self-esteem instantly falls, and when success is achieved, a person suddenly begins to feel omnipotent. This indicates an instability of self-esteem, which will not allow a person to fully live. How to get rid of low self-esteem?

You can seek the help of a psychologist on the site site, or you can independently cope with the problem under consideration. Psychologists give such advice:

Start celebrating your strengths. Focus more on them. In order not to go to an overestimated self-esteem, you should see your strengths and weaknesses, treating both sides of your personality normally.
Please yourself. Finally start living for your own pleasure. You should not give up your duties and work, but you should not give up those hobbies that bring you happiness.
Love yourself. Love is about accepting yourself with all the strong and weaknesses. You - a common person, which may have flaws along with advantages.
Take care of your appearance. It is not necessary to make yourself a top model or go under the surgeon's scalpel. It is enough just to appreciate your natural, natural appearance and make it attractive.
Train willpower, which can be done through sports, self-control, etc.
Change your thinking to a positive one. Get less into bad thoughts. You may have them, but let good thoughts fill your head.

Outcome

Low self-esteem is not much better than high self-esteem. A person constantly lives in his own illusions, which prevent him from adequately seeing himself and evaluating the behavior of others. Often other people take advantage of this, which leads to a sad outcome when a person is again faced with disappointments. To prevent this from happening, you need to see yourself in a real light and evaluate your potential objectively, taking all your advantages and disadvantages on an equal footing.

The very word “self-esteem” already has its meaning. This is how we imagine and evaluate ourselves, our qualities and capabilities, our place among other people. That is, self-esteem is our subjective opinion about one's own personality. And unfortunately, this opinion is often wrong.

But the level of self-esteem directly affects the relationship of a person with others, as well as his exactingness towards himself and his attitude to his own achievements and failures. Adequate perception of oneself is the key to harmony and success in life. Whereas low self-esteem often becomes an insurmountable obstacle to a person's happiness. Indeed, how can you achieve something - be it professional or personal life, if you yourself do not believe in your own strength, consider yourself unworthy of the gifts of fate? ..

But even having reached certain heights, an insecure person can subconsciously destroy all this, believing that he simply does not deserve any life blessings. Thus, once again, and even with some sophisticated satisfaction, he is strengthened in a negative opinion about his own person.

Shyness, shyness, resentment, heightened self-esteem, jealousy, envy, lack of confidence in one's own attractiveness, fear of rejection or seeming ridiculous - all these are companions of low self-esteem. Now you understand why it is so important to increase it? We will talk about this. But first, let's figure out where this common problem "legs grow".

The main reasons for low self-esteem

There are three of them. First comes from childhood, like many of our personality problems. Young children are very suggestible, besides, they still do not know how to evaluate their own behavior. Therefore, they get an idea of themselves mainly from the immediate environment, significant people for them. Mainly - through the reaction of parents to their actions. And if a child in childhood was constantly criticized (“sloppy”, “blunder”, “stupid”), pulled up, laughed at any manifestations of awkwardness, compared not in his favor with other children, the child willy-nilly imbued with a sense of guilt and believe that that he is bad. And having matured, he will already take on the role of his own critic, he will constantly scold himself and look for various shortcomings, most of them imaginary.

Another common parental mistake is the so-called tyranny of duties, when the child is persistently instilled, for example, "you must study only excellently", "you must unquestioningly obey adults." As a result, he develops a sense of hyper-responsibility, develops a model of a certain standard of behavior, in the embodiment of which the child will be good. But having entered adulthood and realizing that it is impossible to implement this model in life, a person begins to think in terms of “since I cannot be perfect, then I am nothing.”

You can't blame your parents for your own problems for the rest of your life. A much more constructive approach is to prevent similar behavior with your own children. And this, believe me, will require a lot of effort from you, because the type of interaction "parent-child" is also formed in childhood, like self-esteem.

Second The reason is a midlife crisis. In the life of every adult, there inevitably comes a period when he begins to comprehend his life, to draw some conclusions. And if he finds them unsatisfactory, his self-esteem is subjected to a great test. In especially sensitive natures, it literally crumbles to smithereens. What is the reason for such a fatal midlife crisis? According to the American psychologist James Hollis, at this time a person reconciles existing goals with those goals that he would really like to achieve. And it often turns out that the whole previous life was “not real”, that is, it passed under the pressure of stereotypes imposed from the outside - by parents or the environment. And in order to achieve harmony with oneself, a person must radically change the course of life.

And finally third the reason is the onset of the so-called black streak in life. A chain of failures and misfortunes (illness, divorce or parting with a loved one, dismissal or demotion, loss of loved ones) can plunge even the most positive and stress-resistant person into depression and, as a result, reduce self-confidence to the level “below the plinth”.

Self defense methods

Low self-esteem is not a sentence, it is not an innate, but an acquired and aggravated quality. It can and must be fought. The main thing is to realize that problems with self-esteem are just a way of thinking that has become a habit. You just got used to thinking negatively about yourself: “I won’t succeed”, “I don’t deserve it” ...

Meanwhile The quality of our life depends on the quality of our thoughts. Therefore, we need to radically change our own thinking. Somewhere I came across an ingenious phrase: “A diamond can think anything about itself, but this will not stop being a diamond. But if he thinks positively of himself, he will turn into a diamond.” To the very point.

Here are some tips for dealing with low self-esteem.

RECEPTION 1. Accept and love yourself for who you are.

When a person values himself - this is the norm. It is out of love and respect for ourselves that our love for others and, on the contrary, those around us is born. Accept all your flaws and flaws (mostly far-fetched, I'm sure) as harmonious components of your personality.

And also realize the simple truth - there are no perfect people. It is a myth. So allow yourself to be imperfect. No one expects, and has no right to expect perfection from you in everything.

TAKE 2. Praise yourself

If you have succeeded, do not attribute it to luck, the good location of the stars, or a combination of circumstances. This is entirely your merit.

Therefore, find any, even a small reason and praise yourself, as your mother praised you in childhood for any trifle. You can even pat yourself on the head if no one is watching. Did you submit your work on time? Well done! Have you done homework with your child? Good girl! Did you have time to bake charlotte in the evening? Just perfection!

And how often does it happen? A woman outlines a list of ten cases for herself, she redid eight, and did not have time to do two. And he begins to engage in self-criticism, scolding himself for what the world is worth.

TAKE 3: Stop comparing yourself to other people

There will always be those who have more incomes, more caring husbands, more capable children, longer legs, etc. But believe me, there are also plenty of people who have achieved much less than you. And we must not forget that our vision of the success and dignity of other people is just ... our vision. The object of your envy may assess what is happening in his life in a completely different way.

It is much more useful to compare yourself yesterday with yourself today. And if the comparison is in favor of the latter, then the process of self-improvement is obvious.

TAKE 4. Allow yourself to be wrong

Stop sawing yourself for every mistake, and even more so to draw global conclusions from it about your own person, such as: “I just can’t fill out a declaration - I’m a useless worker”, “Burned cutlets - I’m a bad housewife.” Such an illogical generalization hits hard on self-confidence - the psyche feels an unfair attitude towards itself and is oppressed even more. In the end, if it suddenly gets colder in July, you don’t conclude that autumn has come ...

Not mistaken, as you know, the one who does nothing. Well, or a robot. Any miscalculation is an invaluable experience and a kind of springboard for subsequent achievements. We must not lament over our worthlessness, but analyze the mistakes made in order to try not to make them in the future.

RECEPTION 5. Do not depend on the opinions of others

What other people say or think about you, of course, plays some role, but their opinion does not define your essence, does not decide who you really are.

A person with adequate self-esteem perceives the opinions of others only as an additional factor, by no means the most significant. And he considers this opinion in the totality and time perspective. That is, he does not draw far-reaching conclusions from one carelessly spoken phrase, but collects information from several sources and for a certain period of time.

Learn to take criticism calmly, learning from it, learning from it, but strongly rejecting unwarranted generalizations or negative labels. If you cannot influence an overly critical person, then it may be worth considering limiting or even completely stopping communication with him. At least for a while.

TAKE 6. Learn to accept compliments

No need to respond to a compliment in the spirit of “yes, nothing special, just washed my hair” or “this dress is already a hundred years old.” By doing so, you kind of reject it and at the same time send yourself a message that you do not deserve praise. Therefore, worthily accept all the good that is said in your address. Remember how in the movie "Office Romance": "Lyudmila Prokofievna, you look great today!" “This is how I will always look now!”

TAKE 7. Get rid of the habit of scolding yourself

Think and talk about yourself as positively as possible. And for phrases like “here I am stupid (fat, ugly, etc.)”, pay yourself a fine, 100 rubles each. Then buy yourself some kind of outfit.

TAKE 8. Don't Complain About Life

Eternally whining people evoke pity in others at best, and contempt at worst. In addition, whining scares away not only people, but also luck.

TAKE 9. Help others

Without good deeds, a person fades away, he has nowhere to draw energy from. And nothing boosts self-esteem like a belief in one's own need. And it is not only and not so much about financial assistance. Look around, there are many people who need basic compassion. Just having a heart-to-heart talk with a friend who is having a hard time right now is already a big deal.

TAKE 10. Don't make excuses

Otherwise, you give the impression of a victim. If you are wrong about something, you can simply apologize, and then, if you see fit. But you do not need to explain the motives of your words or actions, if you are not asked about it.

Seraphim of Sarov said that “self-humiliation is more than pride,” in other words, low self-esteem is no less a sin, and perhaps even greater, than pride. If I am not the greatest, not the smartest, not the richest, then at least I will be the most stupid, the most insignificant. The main thing is that all the same "the most"! Agree, not the most attractive picture.

Therefore, make a list (at least mentally) of your merits and constantly replenish it with new items. And remember: a person who does not see and does not recognize his own merits is doomed, he has nothing to rely on in life, he has no respect for himself, he will not retain anything worthy. Such people are sure within themselves that their fate is to suffer, and not to be happy. You are not one of them, are you?

In my practice, I constantly face the question that clients ask me: "Why do people treat me this way, what is wrong with my self-esteem?" First, let's understand what self-esteem is in principle. This is an assessment of oneself, one's strengths and weaknesses. Self-esteem is:

underestimated - underestimated own forces;
overestimated - overestimation of one's own strengths;
normal - an adequate assessment of oneself, one's own strengths in certain life situations, in setting one's goals and objectives, in an adequate perception of the world, in communicating with people.

What are the signs of low self-esteem?

The attitude of others as an indicator. As a person treats himself, so others treat him. If he does not love himself, does not respect and does not value himself, then he is faced with the same attitude of people towards himself.
Failure to manage own life. A person believes that he cannot cope with something, cannot make a decision, hesitates, thinks that nothing in this life depends on him, but depends on circumstances, other people, the state. Doubting his abilities and strengths, he either does nothing at all, or shifts the responsibility for the choice to others.
Tendency to blame others or self-flagellation. Such people do not know how to take responsibility for their lives. When it suits them, they self-flagellate in order to be pitied. And if they want not pity, but self-justification, then they blame others for everything.
The desire to be good, to please, to please, to adapt to another person to the detriment of oneself and one's personal desires.
Frequent claims to others. Some people with low self-esteem tend to complain about others, constantly blaming them, thereby removing the responsibility for failures from themselves. After all, it is often said that best defense is an attack.
Focusing on your weaknesses rather than your strengths. In particular, excessive criticality to their appearance. A sign of low self-esteem is pickiness to one's appearance, constant dissatisfaction with one's figure, eye color, height and body in general.
Permanent nervousness, baseless aggression. And vice versa - apathy and depressive states from the loss of oneself, the meaning of life, a failure that has occurred, criticism from the outside, a failed exam (interview), etc.
Loneliness or vice versa - fear of loneliness. Quarrels in relationships, excessive jealousy, as a result of the thought: "You cannot love someone like me."
The development of addictions, addictions as a way of temporary escape from reality.
Strong dependence on the opinions of other people. Failure to refuse. Painful reaction to criticism. Absence / suppression of one's own desires.
Closure, closed off from people. Feeling sorry for yourself. Inability to accept compliments. The permanent state of the victim. As they say, the victim will always find an executioner.
Heightened sense of guilt. He tries on critical situations for himself, not sharing his guilt and the role of the circumstances. He accepts any disassembly in relation to himself as to the culprit of the situation, because this will be the "best" confirmation of his inferiority.

How does high self-esteem manifest itself?

Arrogance. A person puts himself above others: "I'm better than them." Constant rivalry as a way to prove this, "bulging" to show off their merits.
Closeness as one of the manifestations of arrogance and a reflection of the idea that others are below him in status, intelligence and other qualities.
Confidence in one's own rightness and constant proof of this as the "salt" of life. The last word must always remain with him. The desire to control the situation, to play a dominant role. Everything should be done as he sees fit, others should dance to his tune.
Setting high goals. If they are not achieved, frustration sets in. A person suffers, falls into depression, apathy, rots himself.
The inability to admit their mistakes, to apologize, to ask for forgiveness, to lose. Fear of evaluation. Painful reaction to criticism.
Fear of making a mistake, appearing weak, defenseless, insecure.
The inability to ask for help as a reflection of the fear of appearing defenseless. If he asks for help, it is more like a demand, an order.
Focus only on yourself. Puts own interests and hobbies first.
The desire to teach the lives of others, "poke" them into the mistakes they have made and show how it should be on the example of oneself. Self-affirmation at the expense of others. Boastfulness. Excessive familiarity. Arrogance.
The predominance of the pronoun "I" in speech. In conversations, he says more than he does. Interrupts interlocutors.

What are the reasons for self-esteem failures?

childhood trauma, the causes of which can be any significant event for the child, and there are a huge number of sources.

oedipal period. Age from 3 to 6-7 years. On an unconscious level, the child acts out partnerships with their parent of the opposite sex. And the way a parent behaves will affect the self-esteem of the child and his building a scenario for relationships with the opposite sex in the future.

Teenage years. Age 13 to 17-18 years old. A teenager is looking for himself, trying on masks and roles, building his life path. He tries to find himself by asking the question: "Who am I?"

Certain attitudes towards children from significant adults(lack of affection, love, attention), as a result of which children may begin to feel unnecessary, unimportant, unloved, unrecognized, etc.

Some patterns of parenting behavior, which subsequently passes to children and becomes already their behavior in life. For example, low self-esteem in the parents themselves, when the same projections are superimposed on the child.

The only child in the family when all attention is focused on him, everything is only for him, when there is an inadequate assessment of his abilities by his parents. From here comes an overestimated self-esteem, when a child cannot adequately assess his strengths and abilities. He begins to believe that the whole world is only for him, everyone owes him, there is an accentuation only on himself, the cultivation of egoism.

Low assessment by parents and relatives of the child, his abilities and actions. The child is not yet able to evaluate himself and forms an opinion about himself based on the assessment of people who are significant to him (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). As a result, the child develops low self-esteem.

Constant criticism of the child leads to low self-esteem, low self-esteem and closeness. In the absence of approval of creative undertakings, admiration for them, the child feels the unrecognizedness of his abilities. If this is followed by constant criticism and abuse, then he refuses to create, create, and therefore develop.

Excessive demands on the child can nurture both overestimated and underestimated self-esteem. Often parents want to see their child the way they would like to see themselves. They impose their fate on him, building on him the projections of their goals, which they could not achieve on their own. But behind this, parents stop seeing the child as a person, starting to see only their own projections, roughly speaking, of themselves, their ideal selves. The child is sure: "For my parents to love me, I must be the way they want me to be." He forgets about the present himself and can either successfully or unsuccessfully meet parental requirements.

Comparison with other good kids lowers self-esteem. Conversely, the desire to please parents inflates self-esteem in pursuit and competition with others. Then the other children are not friends, but rivals, and I must/should not be better than others.

Overprotection taking excessive responsibility for the child in making decisions for him, down to who to be friends with, what to wear, when and what to do. As a result, the Self ceases to grow in the child, he does not know what he wants, does not know who he is, does not understand his needs, abilities, desires. Thus, parents cultivate lack of independence in him and, as a result, low self-esteem (up to the loss of the meaning of life).

The desire to be like a parent, which can be both natural and forced, when the child is constantly repeated: "Your parents have achieved so much, you must be like them, you have no right to fall into the mud face." There is a fear of stumbling, making a mistake, not being perfect, as a result of which self-esteem may be underestimated, and the initiative completely killed.

Above, I have given some of the common reasons why self-esteem problems arise. It is worth adding that the line between the two "poles" of self-esteem can be quite thin. For example, overestimation of oneself may be a compensatory-protective function of underestimation of one's strengths and capabilities.

As you can already understand, most of the problems in adulthood stem from childhood. The behavior of the child, his attitude towards himself and the attitude towards him from the surrounding peers and adults build certain strategies in life. Childish behavior is carried over into adulthood with all its defense mechanisms.

In the end, whole life scenarios of adult life are built. And this happens so organically and imperceptibly for ourselves that we do not always understand why certain situations happen to us, why people behave this way with us. We feel unnecessary, unimportant, unloved, we feel that we are not appreciated, we are offended and hurt by this, we suffer. All this is manifested in relationships with close and dear people, colleagues and superiors, the opposite sex, society as a whole.

It is logical that both low and high self-esteem are not the norm. Such states cannot truly make you happy man. Therefore, something needs to be done about the current situation. If you yourself feel that it is time to change something, that you would like something in your life to become different, then the time has come.

How to deal with low self-esteem?

Make a list of your qualities strengths, the virtues that you like about yourself or that your loved ones like. If you don't know, ask them about it. In this way, you will begin to see the positive aspects of your personality, thereby starting to cultivate self-esteem.
Make a list of the things that bring you pleasure. If possible, start doing them for yourself. Thus, you will cultivate love and care for yourself.
Make a list of your desires and goals and move in this direction. Sports give tone, cheer you up, allow you to take good care of your body, which you are so unhappy with. Simultaneously, there is a release negative emotions that were accumulated and had no way out. And, of course, you will have objectively less time and energy for self-flagellation.
A diary of achievements can also raise your self-esteem. If every time you write down your biggest and smallest victories in it.
Make a list of qualities you would like to develop in yourself. Develop them with different techniques and meditations, of which there are now plenty both on the Internet and offline.
Communicate more with those whom you admire, who understand you, from communication with whom "wings grow". At the same time, minimize contacts with those who criticize, humiliate, etc. to the possible level.

Scheme of work with high self-esteem

First you need to understand that each person is unique in his own way, everyone is entitled to their own point of view.
Learn not only to listen, but also to hear people. After all, something is also important for them, they have their own desires and dreams.
When caring for others, do it based on their needs, not what you think is right. For example, you came to a cafe, your interlocutor wants coffee, and you think that tea will be more useful. Do not impose your tastes and opinions on him.
Allow yourself to make mistakes and mistakes. This provides a real basis for self-improvement and valuable experience with which people become wiser and stronger.
Stop arguing with others and stop proving yourself right. You may not know yet, but in so many situations, everyone can be right in their own way.
Don't get depressed if you can't achieve the desired result. It is better to analyze the situation on the subject of why it happened, what you did wrong, what is the reason for the failure.
Learn adequate self-criticism (of yourself, your actions, decisions).
Stop competing with others for any reason. Sometimes it looks extremely stupid.
As little as possible stick out your own merits, thereby underestimating others. The objective virtues of a person do not need a vivid demonstration - they are seen by actions.

There is one law that helps me a lot in life and in working with clients:

To be. Do. Have

What does it mean?

"To have" is a goal, a desire, a dream. This is the result you want to see in your life.

"Doing" is strategies, tasks, behavior, deeds. These are the actions that lead to the desired result.

"Being" is your sense of yourself. Who are you inside yourself, for real, and not for others? Who do you feel.

In my practice, I like to work with the "being of a person", with what is happening inside him. Then "to do" and "to have" will come by themselves, organically forming into the picture that a person wants to see, into the life that satisfies him and allows him to feel happy. It is much more effective to work with the cause, and not with the effect. Removing the root of the problem, that which creates and attracts such problems, not alleviation current state, allows you to really correct the situation.

In addition, not always and not everyone realizes the problem, it can sit deep in the unconscious. Working in this way is necessary in order to bring the person back to himself, to his unique values and resources, his strength, his own life path and understanding of this path. Without this, self-realization in society and in the family is impossible. For this reason, I consider the optimal way for a person to interact with himself to be therapy "being" and not "doing". This is not only effective, but also the safest, shortest way.

You were given two options: "to do" and "to be", and everyone has the right to choose which way to go. Find a path to yourself. Not what society dictates to you, but to yourself - unique, real, holistic. How you will do it, I do not know. But I'm sure you'll find how it works best for you. I have found this in personal therapy and have successfully applied it in certain therapeutic techniques for rapid change and transformation of personality. Thanks to this, I found myself, my path, my calling.

Good luck in your endeavors!

Sincerely, consultant psychologist
Drazhevskaya Irina

Everyone around you is telling you that you deserve better. A friend invites you to classes at a flamenco studio, your mother offers to change your wardrobe... You timidly agree, slurring that yes, it would be nice, and you will definitely, next time... What prevents you from following these tips right now? Maybe it's self-doubt. It's time for you to learn what low self-esteem is and how to deal with it.

You need to figure out how to get rid of low self-esteem if unpleasant things often happen in your life:

You can’t say “no”, you are afraid that your refusal will offend someone, put them in an awkward position, upset them. At the same time, you are not at all happy to fulfill these requests, and sometimes you are very annoyed that you could not refuse. When a person does something of his own free will, he enjoys it and is pleased with the result.

You care too much about other people's opinions. You are worried about the fact that someone will talk bad about you, and you are ready to constantly give up your desires for the sake of public opinion. Not believing in your abilities, you are afraid to make a choice, you try to shift the responsibility onto others, asking, “What would you do?” The reverse side of this tactic is criticism of others, because they made the wrong choice for you. But you yourself perceive any comments painfully and see them only as proof of your inferiority.

You really don't know how to take compliments. Do you like to receive gifts and hear beautiful words in your address, but at the same time you feel like an unworthy of praise "deceiver". You are more accustomed to being a Victim - whining and complaining, counting on sympathy, not admiration.

You are too critical of your appearance: the color of your eyes, hair, waist width, height - all this, in your opinion, is far from ideal. Very rarely do you like yourself in the mirror.

You are unhappy with your environment. Psychologists have long noted that subconsciously insecure people surround themselves with those who constantly confirm their low self-esteem. In the event that you emphasize other people's shortcomings in order to feel better than others, you do not have good friends: they are repelled by your harsh criticism, and often envy and boasting.

If you find signs of low self-esteem in your behavior, take immediate action!

Self-doubt makes you gloomy and irritable, it is dangerous and can ruin your life.

First of all, low self-esteem prevents you from building successful career and healthy relationships with people. An insecure person often refuses a difficult, interesting work out of fear that he will fail. Sometimes it is worth risking your fear and embarking on an adventure, taking on a new task, otherwise you will always be ahead of less capable, but more confident people. If you constantly think that nothing will work out, and you will not succeed, then you will never be able to show your talents and succeed.

Due to low self-esteem, you are afraid of losing love or friendship, and you constantly give in, give up your desires for the sake of someone else's interests. Instead of going to a cafe with a friend, you go with your loved one to a horror movie that he has long wanted to see. Of course, you can't be selfish and think only of yourself, but compromise is a two-way street. Constantly obeying someone else's opinion, you risk losing the respect of loved ones. You are always tense, tormented by anxieties and doubts, you sleep badly. This is very dangerous - this is how neuroses develop, and here you will no longer be able to do without the help of a specialist. In some cases, self-doubt leads to various addictions that destroy health and the psyche in the literal sense.

Constant stress that you experience can cause serious illness.

How to increase self-esteem?

You have already taken the first steps: you have found the main problem and found out why low self-esteem is dangerous. It's time to take action. You will be helped by simple actions that will completely change your life.

Down with perfectionism!

You must understand that ideal people does not exist, and stop reproaching yourself that something is far from perfect. Perfectionism is back side self-doubt. Stop telling yourself that if you can’t do it perfectly, there’s no need to start, and remember that athletes train for a very long time and make mistakes before achieving a result.

Conquer your fear

Get rid of the fear of loneliness that affects your relationships with people. The most valuable resource in a person's life is time. Sometimes being alone is very useful: it is an opportunity to relax, calmly make plans for the future and think about ways to implement them, to see new perspectives. Make a list of things that are important to you and never have time for. Instead of going to a boring fashion show with your friends, sit at home with interesting book. If you like to cook, then find new recipe and prepare it for yourself.

To live life wisely, you need to know a lot.
Two important rules remember to start:
You'd rather starve than eat anything
And it's better to be alone than with just anyone.
Omar Khayyam

Don't praise yourself...

When dealing with low self-esteem, it is useful to praise yourself for any, even minor success. Have you solved a difficult problem? Great, let yourself enjoy the feeling of victory. The usual tidying up of the house should be a reason for joy: calmly and slowly make a cup of tea or coffee and sit in a beautiful and cozy kitchen or room, slowly, experiencing a sense of satisfaction from a job well done.

Accept compliments with dignity

Stop being embarrassed, mumble indistinctly that it somehow turned out that way, it’s better to calmly and with a smile thank you for the good words. You deserve them, no doubt about it! If you constantly deny your own successes out of false modesty, then they will simply cease to be noticed. When you begin to value yourself, your time and your work, the opinions of others will also change.

To build on your success in dealing with insecurities, find a job that you can do great.

You sang well as a child - try to go with your friends to a karaoke bar. If you like to draw, then sign up for an art studio. Perhaps you will surprise everyone with your talents, and in any case, you will enjoy and have many new experiences.

Be prepared for the fact that not everyone around you will support you in the fight against low self-esteem.

Perhaps your friend is used to being bright and witty against your background, and the boss is accustomed to loading the trouble-free "gray mouse" with additional work. Your man is sure that you are always waiting for him, and it does not matter that he is four hours late every time, because he decided to sit with friends, despite your plans for the evening. Such people can get in the way of you on the way to your goal. different ways: having long conversations about your shortcomings, making critical remarks about your appearance, and sometimes reproaching you that "you used to be better." That's a lie - you were just "easier to use". Such relationships should be broken off as quickly as possible without any regrets.

Much in a person's life depends on how he evaluates his capabilities. Such an assessment is subjective, that is, it cannot be accurate and is largely based on faith. A person's faith in himself, in his strengths and abilities. To a large extent, it depends on education.

In childhood, a person is poorly oriented in the world and relies on the opinions of authorities. The main authorities on whose opinion a person relies are the parents. At the same time, parents also have self-esteem, which can be adequate, overestimated or underestimated.

Psychologists believe that most Russians have low self-esteem

A person with low self-esteem comfortable for those around you. It is convenient for others, it is easy to use. He requires less pay for his work than a person with adequate self-esteem. He does not seek to command, preferring to obey. He is accommodating and accommodating.

Often these are very skilled professionals. They seek to correct and burden themselves rather than to demand from others.

They strive to earn the respect and approval of others. When they receive praise, they rejoice, it is important for them. But the praise doesn't last long. Often such a specialist works more for recognition than for material rewards. Seeks to show people how good he is.

What behavior patterns indicate low self-esteem?

The habit of making excuses
The emergence of tension among people, as it is important they like it.
The tendency to criticize oneself - skills, abilities, appearance. And berate yourself for your failures. Fear of failure.
The habit of complaining about helplessness, the inability to change the situation, in general about life.
Stooping, looking at the ground, stiffness in movements, slurred or quiet speech.

Low self-esteem makes a person feel bad and unworthy. Unworthy of recognition, security, to express their opinion, to attract attention. Unworthy to be beautiful, noticeable, artistic, original, to attract attention.

A person is afraid that if the attention of others is drawn to him, they will see his shortcomings, “ugliness”. Which he ascribes to himself, which he may have been inspired in childhood. And which he does his best to hide. Becoming invisible, appeasing others.

Lack of faith in yourself does not allow you to set yourself worthy goals. He believes that he will not cope, that teachers, mentors or partners are needed. And he can't do it himself. Often this results in increased anxiety and various addictions. From alcohol, from people, etc.

I painted a bleak picture, didn't I?

But everything is not so bad, because people are usually normal, often very qualified and literate. And the whole problem lies in the subjective assessment of oneself.

What is an assessment?

Here I see an apple. Beautiful, ripe. I rate it highly. I start eating, and inside I find a worm that has been living there for a long time.
My rating for this apple is rapidly changing to a low one.
What was the impetus? An experience.

But it is more difficult to evaluate a person, especially when you need to evaluate yourself. After all, I perceive myself from the inside, and I want to know exactly what attitude I will cause from others.

Yes, and I am different, in a different mood, with different energy, with different thoughts.
And the state of others also depends on the situation, weather and time of day.

Or I meet stranger. If I want to evaluate his attitude towards me by his reaction, then often nothing happens. And why?

And that person himself still does not know how to treat me. He only collects information about me.

What will he focus on first? On my appearance, on my behavior. On my words, on how I feel about myself. What attitude to me I suggest to him. That is, I myself form his attitude towards me.

In the articles of psychologists you can find a lot of advice on how to change your behavior, how to play. I will not give you this advice. They work poorly. This is where holistic work is important. Work with movements, emotions, thoughts. And all this at the same time.

Here, work with a change in attitudes, beliefs that come from childhood can help. Many things were instilled in us in childhood, and often this prevents us from living and acting. Here the help of a psychologist is desirable. You have to take it easy. A psychologist is not a psychiatrist. We do not make diagnoses. We don't do bullying.

It’s just that the changes that we want to get in ourselves often occur with a psychologist ten times faster than with independent work above oneself. Which is also possible and necessary, of course. Both time and costs are more than paid off. So, working on your self-esteem is, although difficult, but possible. We wish you good luck on this path!

What to do with low self-esteem?